Hate doing this but need advice badly.

Hawthorn

assj wrote: »

Well I was here thinking the son was going to be the Policeman too!

I don't know if it's just me, but you seem to have an answer for everything.

What would you do if you had to support your own children yourself... I understand you have an anxiety disorder, but you didn't state how severe you suffer, is there no way that you can look at work options, I can see that you will only have limited options, but they are options and you can only try...

Your situation is really bad, but I don't think the "how would you like it" posts are relevant. If I were met with that response, I'd be sure to remind you that it's your problem.

As clearingout states, maybe look at your ex, you seem to be only looking at things from your own angle...

Answer for everything? I'm not sure what you mean by that but ok.

What would I do if I had to support my children myself.....I don't know. I really don't. I didn't have an anxiety disorder when I had them. I don't see how this is relevant to the CSA though.

How severe I suffer. Forgive me, but I really don't want to share that information on a forum such as this. I already feel judged and don't really want to put any more of myself out there.

I've been chasing my ex since 2001.


Spamfree - he's been paying for his son since shortly after he left the police force. They took it initially from his jobseekers allowance. The arrears have accrued since he started employment.
On paper, £500 would seem about right, but consider from that we pay £50 fuel on average to get him to clients homes. We have to keep the car on the road so currently keeping £10 a week for car maintenance (recently failed MOT which cost us £300 almost) plus his holiday pay is included in his wages at something like 10% so our income is £80 a week down just so he can go to work I guess.

And yes, this did kick off after what happened.
Previous to that, he came here a few weeks of the year during school hols, and much of that time I was working, not my husband.

Kevin, I will look at that as a possibility but only as an absolute last resort. Thanks for mentioning it though. We only got off benefits last september after a while on them and I'm not really eager to return there unless really necessary.

I'm currently in the process of building an artists portfolio. hopefully I will be able to do something with that from home.

faerie~spangles

I do hope the child abuser has been reported to the authorities.

If not why not?

Hawthorn

Faerie, I already said that he has.

sulkisu

Hawthorn wrote: »

On paper, £500 would seem about right, but consider from that we pay £50 fuel on average to get him to clients homes. We have to keep the car on the road so currently keeping £10 a week for car maintenance (recently failed MOT which cost us £300 almost) plus his holiday pay is included in his wages at something like 10% so our income is £80 a week down just so he can go to work I guess.

If that is £500 p.w in benefits. as set out in Spamfree's post, plus your husbands wages, then it is hard to see how you could be struggling. That would equate to a gross household income of over £40k. Your best bet would be to post an SOA so that others can advise where you can reduce your outgoings. On those figures, £180 per month seems manageable.

Hawthorn

that's not just in benefits, that's including my husbands wage.
Sometimes it will be more, sometimes less depending on his work. He is on a zero hours contract, so some weeks he can get full time hours, other weeks he may have a lot of cancellations and his wages will be lower.
We also do not receive any help with rent or council tax currently. I think our income from tax credits is about to drop too. My 17 year old just finished his college course.

I'm working on my rejigging my budget myself, if I get no joy with that I will post a SOA.

[Deleted User]

Hawthorn wrote: »

Answer for everything? I'm not sure what you mean by that but ok.

What would I do if I had to support my children myself.....I don't know. I really don't. I didn't have an anxiety disorder when I had them. I don't see how this is relevant to the CSA though.

How severe I suffer. Forgive me, but I really don't want to share that information on a forum such as this. I already feel judged and don't really want to put any more of myself out there.

I've been chasing my ex since 2001.


Spamfree - he's been paying for his son since shortly after he left the police force. They took it initially from his jobseekers allowance. The arrears have accrued since he started employment.
On paper, £500 would seem about right, but consider from that we pay £50 fuel on average to get him to clients homes. We have to keep the car on the road so currently keeping £10 a week for car maintenance (recently failed MOT which cost us £300 almost) plus his holiday pay is included in his wages at something like 10% so our income is £80 a week down just so he can go to work I guess.

And yes, this did kick off after what happened.
Previous to that, he came here a few weeks of the year during school hols, and much of that time I was working, not my husband.

Kevin, I will look at that as a possibility but only as an absolute last resort. Thanks for mentioning it though. We only got off benefits last september after a while on them and I'm not really eager to return there unless really necessary.

I'm currently in the process of building an artists portfolio. hopefully I will be able to do something with that from home.

Forgive me, you are extremely defensive. Nobody is here to judge you and quite frankly nobody is bothered that you have this and that problem (with respect) people are just trying to help you with solutions and resolutions.

You will be provided with really useful advice here and it would do you well to be patient and respectful to the point of not saying things like “I already said that he has”, a simple reminder of “yes he has, sorry didn’t I mention that” would be suffice.

You are clearly in a very unfortunate situation, but I have a strong feeling that your attitude towards various subjects has caused some of these issues. If this lady that is now asking for CSA payments has so much money (as you say) she is only probably taking you for them money due to your behaviour.

It’s awful what’s happened to your daughter, but that doesn’t mean that it’s his mothers fault, likewise it’s not down to his father. We all bring our children up to how we would expect them to behave, but unfortunately some just don’t conform and do who knows what! We can only try and change them as they are always our children, likewise if your child did anything you would try to help them to change. And most visit them in prison too!

As a father your OH should also take responsibility for his child, paying is the basic obviously, but you can’t just expect him to cross him off the Christmas card list.

You have now stated that you need to tweak your budget. That should have been one of the first considerations, you have categorically stated that you cannot afford to pay, yet you have not explored the cost savings (tweaking) that you now refer to.

I’d say you need to take some consideration of the full situation and change your attitude, if you can’t then I don’t know how your family will continue to function as one.

Mojisola

Could your OH get a job in a residential care home so that he won't have to pay out for petrol?

skibadee

This is a very difficult time for you OP I can understand how you feel regarding your partners son...I too would not want to be providing for a person who did that to my child...regardless as to wether it is the right way to feel or not.

However, unfortunately the law/CSA think differently and you do have to provide financially for him.

We were at one time paying approx £600 a mth to CSA due to arrears .....their mistake.....it broke us completely financially, but ..god knows how we ''cut the cloth'' completely....we struggled through it, we were given nearly 3 yrs to repay arrears due to my health problems...which were backed up in writing by my GP and written help from ' A fairer CSA for all ' website/forum. Our income was nowhere near yours.

Unfortunately, as we found, you can beg etc., all you like with the CSA but it makes no difference to their reply...........though over the years we did speak to some staff who were understanding.

I think as has been said you need to double check your benfits entitlement, check the CSA are taking into account that there are 4 children in your household, check your arrears are correct......request your data files...I think they charge £10 for this now? Contact your MP to see if they can help, and as your are doing see what help/advice CAB can give.

It is a nightmare when a amicable arragement is not possible to come to.....and ...I'll probably get slated for this....but....the NRP's income is taken pre maintenance deduction for housing etc., benefits yet PWC does not get maintenance paid included in assessment for the same.

Nobody disagrees that children have to be supported but in my opinion this is currently assessed unfairly.

Hawthorn

assj wrote: »

Forgive me, you are extremely defensive. Nobody is here to judge you and quite frankly nobody is bothered that you have this and that problem (with respect) people are just trying to help you with solutions and resolutions.

You will be provided with really useful advice here and it would do you well to be patient and respectful to the point of not saying things like “I already said that he has”, a simple reminder of “yes he has, sorry didn’t I mention that” would be suffice.

You are clearly in a very unfortunate situation, but I have a strong feeling that your attitude towards various subjects has caused some of these issues. If this lady that is now asking for CSA payments has so much money (as you say) she is only probably taking you for them money due to your behaviour.

It’s awful what’s happened to your daughter, but that doesn’t mean that it’s his mothers fault, likewise it’s not down to his father. We all bring our children up to how we would expect them to behave, but unfortunately some just don’t conform and do who knows what! We can only try and change them as they are always our children, likewise if your child did anything you would try to help them to change. And most visit them in prison too!

As a father your OH should also take responsibility for his child, paying is the basic obviously, but you can’t just expect him to cross him off the Christmas card list.

You have now stated that you need to tweak your budget. That should have been one of the first considerations, you have categorically stated that you cannot afford to pay, yet you have not explored the cost savings (tweaking) that you now refer to.

I’d say you need to take some consideration of the full situation and change your attitude, if you can’t then I don’t know how your family will continue to function as one.

Actually I have had no contact with this woman since the incident. I have not spoken to her, written to her, nothing. I am aware that I am not the calmest that I could be about the whole thing, hence why i have tried to not get involved except with the initial things I had to do regarding the incident (police contact etc)

Also, I never expected my husband to cross his child off the christmas card list. My only stipulation is that his son does not come to my home, which under the circumstances is fair enough I think.

Hawthorn

Mojisola wrote: »

Could your OH get a job in a residential care home so that he won't have to pay out for petrol?

he is trying, but it seems to be really competitive at the moment - he hasn't even had a thanks, but no thanks reply yet.