Hate doing this but need advice badly.

Hawthorn · 21 July 2012 at 4:05PM

My husband has another child outside of our marriage.

I have four children (none of whom are his)

We cannot get CSA for my children, since they seem unable to collect anything from their father.

I am agoraphobic, and do not work.

My partner works as a mobile carer, which means he has to pay his own fuel (£200 a month), his own holiday pay (included in his wages of £7.50 an hour)

Plus we get the child benefit/child tax credit/working tax credit.

Things used to be amicable between my husband and his ex. He was out of work for a while due to a breakdown - a breakdown caused by his son sexually assaulting my daughter whilst he was staying here.
He (my husband) was a trainee police officer at the time, but was found to be 'unsuitable for the training'.

Now his ex wife has taken us to the CSA. They are on good money....at least 5 times what we earn. With one teenager to support.

CSA are going to take £180 a month from us.

We even tried to offer her £80 a month ( which honestly since her son abused my daughter I really don't want to pay anyway) but she is having none of it, won't answer the phone etc.

After messing with my budget it's going to leave us horribly short, but we've argued and better argued with the CSA, given them income/expenditure etc, begged cried and pleaded more or less....well according to them, our fuel costs are classed as a luxury, clothing/haircuts......well, it seems everything apart from food/rent/utilities is a luxury.

It's bad enough the son doing what he did but this is going to kill us financially too......not to mention the damage all of the resentment is starting to do to my marriage.

We have been to the CAB, currently waiting on an appointment although I have no idea how long that will take.

It makes me so mad to think that she would do this after what happened......it's not like we haven't tried to make an offer, we did. We weren't trying to avoid paying. It just seems like the only thing she will be happy with is ruining us, and honestly, it's my children that will pay the highest price .

So, what can I do, or am i just going to have to muddle through until he's old enough that we dont' have to pay anymore (two years)

Bluemeanie_2 · 21 July 2012 at 4:23PM

I take it this is CSA2?

sulkisu · 21 July 2012 at 4:29PM

There are two separate issues here.

Her son abusing your daughter has nothing to do with child support - why would you think that it does?

That is a matter which needs to be handled separately through the proper authorities - i.e. the police and/or Social Services. I hope that for your daughter's sake, that you have done this.

Your finances are another matter and the fact that his ex and her husband are financially better off than you is irrelevant, I'm afraid. You are struggling financially because a) you have four children to support, b) you do not work and c) your children's father is not paying support.

If you are unable to work in the short-term, then you probably will have to muddle through until the child support end. Have you checked to make sure that you are receiving everything that you are entitled to, tax credits/HB/ etc? With four children and one parent on a low income you should be receiving a fair bit of help. How much do you get - perhaps there is something missing?

Hawthorn · 21 July 2012 at 4:50PM

sulkisu wrote: »

There are two separate issues here.

Her son abusing your daughter has nothing to do with child support - why would you think that it does?

I know it doesn't legally. Which is why we made the offer regardless. But tell me if you were in my situation, wouldn't it get on your nerves just a little bit? Wouldn't you feel even a tiny bit resentful? I'll be honest and say it makes me boiling mad. I dont' want to pay a damn penny towards that kid and I doubt any parent in my position would either.

That is a matter which needs to be handled separately through the proper authorities - i.e. the police and/or Social Services. I hope that for your daughter's sake, that you have done this.

of course I did. I didn't actually think that this part was relevant to my question so didn't mention it.

Your finances are another matter and the fact that his ex and her husband are financially better off than you is irrelevant, I'm afraid. You are struggling financially because a) you have four children to support, b) you do not work and c) your children's father is not paying support.
If you are unable to work in the short-term, then you probably will have to muddle through until the child support end. Have you checked to make sure that you are receiving everything that you are entitled to, tax credits/HB/ etc? With four children and one parent on a low income you should be receiving a fair bit of help. How much do you get - perhaps there is something missing?

We get tax credits/child tax credits, but no housing benefit. Our top line wage says we're not entitled to that, but seemingly doesn't take into account that we lose a quarter of his wage to fuel/maintenance/holiday costs.

He is looking for other work but without much success.

What I don't understand is where do the CSA get their figures from? Using the calculator on their site, it says we should be paying £26 a week. Now, we do have arrears since last september, but even so that doesn't come up to £180 a month. I just don't know how to deal with this at all....CSA are evasive with my husband, and will not even talk to me.
It ended with the threat either agree £180 a month, or we take it out of your wages at source which will be 40%

sulkisu · 21 July 2012 at 5:19PM

Hawthorn wrote: »

I know it doesn't legally. Which is why we made the offer regardless. But tell me if you were in my situation, wouldn't it get on your nerves just a little bit? Wouldn't you feel even a tiny bit resentful? I'll be honest and say it makes me boiling mad. I dont' want to pay a damn penny towards that kid and I doubt any parent in my position would either.

Of course not. Because you said that her son was a trainee policeman and that your husbands son was a teenager, I didn't realise that you were talking about the same child. I understand the resentment although technically, it's your husband who is paying the support.

Have you worked recently? Are you entitled to claim ESA or DLA (I'm not sure if agraphobia is classed as a disability)?

Are you able to work from home - Ebay shop for example? Anything to increase your income. Apart from that, you could post up an SOA to see if there are additional cuts which can be made.

Sorry, but I have no advice on the CSA part - but I'm sure someone else will come along who does.

clearingout · 21 July 2012 at 5:20PM

You are mixing up the emotions with the legality of it all - your partner has a financial responsibility towards his children. Doesn't matter if his ex is a millionaire, he still needs to make a contribution. The more you mull it over and get upset and annoyed, they worse it will be. I presume you would have no issue with accepting child maintenance for your children if your ex contributed? Why should your husband's ex be any different?

I would think the biggest thing you can do is work on getting your ex to contribute. What is the status of your case with the CSA? Perhaps if you update us with those details, people might have some ideas as to how things might be resolved for you?

PreludeForTimeFeelers · 21 July 2012 at 5:48PM

At £26 per week you'll be paying approx £112 per month regular maintenance, so I'm guessing that means £68 per month is going towards arrears. What is the total balance of the arrears? The most recent collection schedule sent to you should show you when the arrears will all be paid off by.

Spamfree_2 · 21 July 2012 at 6:36PM

OP

YOU aren't paying anything for the oh's son, his father is, he's the one working.

How old is the son if he's training to be a policeman?
Hopefully your oh won't have to be paying money to support him once he is classed as an adult.

I imagine it galls the son's mother that her ex is keeping your four kids, but is not wanting to support his own.

Mrs_Arcanum · 21 July 2012 at 6:39PM

See if you husband can formally adopt your children. Then he will be responsible for 5.

themull1 · 21 July 2012 at 6:53PM

Can you not get a job working from home if you're agoraphobic?

nadineclaire · 21 July 2012 at 7:10PM

You should look into your housing benefit claim again, I'm not currently working but my partner does and earns nearly double of what your partner does and we still receive a small amount of housing benefit. Can your partner ask the csa if he can spread the arrears over a longer period of time?