sick with worry -sorry long post

poet123

robpw2 wrote: »

ok i won't flame you i get where your coming from and can see your point to some extent however why should you punish the daughter for the sins of the father?

it was perfectly acceptable to create a life with him , just not let him have any part of it because he suffers from a mental illness.... thats just cruel

In my opinion based on the description the OP has given the daughter would be in far more danger of punishment by having him in her life.

There is mental illness and mental illness and when it takes the form of violence and that requires being locked away for the safety of others, you have to make a judgement call. Mine would be I would not risk my life or that of my daughter by continuing to have any kind of contact with the person concerned.

whitewing

It is possible that your daughter will inherit a predisposition to mental illness from her father (not meaning to frighten the life out of you). Perhaps you should chat it all through with your health visitor or NHS Direct. I don't know if relevant aspects of the father's health could be detailed for your daughter's file somehow, because if you don't keep in contact with him, it may stop crucial info being available in the future.

amus

Do you think under supervision he would be a danger to your daughter?

I would completely understand your concerns was she being left alone with him and obviously you would have to make it clear that this wont be a possibility even if he is released, but if he isnt a danger to the child under supervision it seems cruel if he has built up a relationship with her.

Obviously that opinion is formed without knowing the exact nature of his behaviour or crimes.

rosey88

Thank you to all who have taken the time to read my post and offer your thoughts. It really has helped me to get it out. I appreciate all your kind comments and advice. You've been a lot kinder to me than I've been to myself!

Let me answer some queries. I don't think mental illness is any reason for my ex to not have have a relationship with our dd, provided it is assessed and treated/monitored. The problem is he has not been diagnosed with any mental illness or under any mental health montoring/supervision.

His mental state after his arrest was viewed as a single psychotic episode, as that was the info the authorities had, and medication seemed to solve it. That's now some time ago and since then, after doing some digging - his family, friends etc. I found out it's happened for years, and was the cause of behaviour leading to previous convictions.

Paranoia towards doctors in particular is one of his symptoms, so he has gone to great lengths to hide any mental illness, until he becomes so unwell that is impossible.

The reason I've had a reality check is not because I've started another relationship (too scared of my own judgement to do that!) but because symptoms have reappeared - paranoia, hearing voices, obsessions about people, drug taking. Visits are a nightmare - a couple of minutes talking to dd then endless obsessive talk, agitated behaviour etc, to the point that dd dosn't want to go anymore.
I know it seems incredible that the authorities have not noticed this - but there are a lot of mentally unwell people in prison who receive no treatment. He is inteligent enough to hide it when necessary to avoid being noticed.

I have researched what these symptoms might indicate, but I'm no expert, so it's guesswork really. Yes I do think it's possible my dd might be at greater risk of developing it, and I've looked into risk factors, but without a diagnosis it's impossible to be sure.

I just want the whole thing to go away - childish I know! if I can't trust him to seek/ accept help when he needs it, I do fear for the future.
It was foolish of me not to tell my family - but it's been so long now that I've not told them I don't know how to go about it.
Thanks again to all who have replied - it's really helped.

poet123

You sound quite tormented. Your family love you and will want to help, sit them down, take a deep breath and tell them what you have told us. They can support you and be a sounding board if you will let them. You cannot keep this internalised it will make you ill. Everyone makes mistakes, it is how we deal with them when we come to that realisation that is important.

Deep down only you know what is best for your daughter, follow your gut instinct and put her needs above all else, it is what mothers do and no one can/should blame you for that. If they do, you can live with that knowing you did it with her best interests at heart. You cannot carry on with the guilt, or self blame, let it go and move forward, make a decision, let others help, and take back control of your life.

Good luck, everyone deserves peace of mind.

rosey88

Thank you to all who have taken the time to read my post and offer your thoughts. It really has helped me to get it out. I appreciate all your kind comments and advice. You've been a lot kinder to me than I've been to myself!

Let me answer some queries. I don't think mental illness is any reason for my ex to not have have a relationship with our dd, provided it is assessed and treated/monitored. The problem is he has not been diagnosed with any mental illness or under any mental health montoring/supervision.

His mental state after his arrest was viewed as a single psychotic episode, as that was the info the authorities had, and medication seemed to solve it. That's now some time ago and since then, after doing some digging - his family, friends etc. I found out it's happened for years, and was the cause of behaviour leading to previous convictions.

Paranoia towards doctors in particular is one of his symptoms, so he has gone to great lengths to hide any mental illness, until he becomes so unwell that is impossible.

The reason I've had a reality check is not because I've started another relationship (too scared of my own judgement to do that!) but because symptoms have reappeared - paranoia, hearing voices, obsessions about people, drug taking. Visits are a nightmare - a couple of minutes talking to dd then endless obsessive talk, agitated behaviour etc, to the point that dd dosn't want to go anymore.
I know it seems incredible that the authorities have not noticed this - but there are a lot of mentally unwell people in prison who receive no treatment. He is inteligent enough to hide it when necessary to avoid being noticed.

I have researched what these symptoms might indicate, but I'm no expert, so it's guesswork really. Yes I do think it's possible my dd might be at greater risk of developing it, and I've looked into risk factors, but without a diagnosis it's impossible to be sure.

I just want the whole thing to go away - childish I know! if I can't trust him to seek/ accept help when he needs it, I do fear for the future.
It was foolish of me not to tell my family - but it's been so long now that I've not told them I don't know how to go about it.
Thanks again to all who have replied - it's really helped.

Lotus-eater

I would be moving away, changing my name and telling my family why, because he will contact them to try to get to you.

You made a mistake, you don't have to continue with it.

Sambucus_Nigra

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I would be moving away, changing my name and telling my family why, because he will contact them to try to get to you.

You made a mistake, you don't have to continue with it.

I totally agree with this.

I'd get away - and get your DD away - from him asap.

And next time, listen to your friends. Unless there is an axe to grind, they are usually right.

rosey88

Sorry I seem to have posted my reply twice - don't know how that happened! I tried to post once and thought it hadn't worked - then 2 lots appear. Now I can't find out how to delete the second one. I really am a Newbie at this.

Thanks Poet123, I know you are right about my family. It's terrible having this worry going round endlessly.

Yorkie1

OP, I can't add to what the others have said, but just in case someone doesn't appreciate the seriousness of the sentence imposed by the court, I thought I'd flesh it out a little.

An indeterminate sentence for public protection is the most serious sentence which a court can impose, short of a life sentence. It can only be imposed in certain specific circumstances where the offender has been convicted of a serious specific offence, and he is assessed as dangerous by the court.

There will be a minimum term of imprisonment during which he definitely will not be released. However, unlike a standard prison sentence, he is not automatically released at some point.

He cannot and will not be released until the minimum term has expired and then only if and when the Parole Board says it is safe to do so.

After release, he is on licence (and thus liable to recall for further offending or breach of conditions of licence) for the next 10 years.

Given that there is a lower public protection sentence (fixed duration but longer than a standard sentence) which can be imposed for less dangerous offenders, and there is then the standard custodial sentence for most offenders, have no doubt that the level of dangerousness assessed by the court based on the circumstances of that offence, and the previous offending, will have been highly significant.