sick with worry -sorry long post

rosey88

I’m a long time lurker - never posted before. I don’t haveanyone I can talk this over with so would really appreciate some other perspectives.I have been sick with worry for months and so angry with myself for being soutterly utterly stupid. Please excuse the long post!

I started a relationship with a man I met through an oldfriend about 8 years ago. At first all was lovely although he lived a fairdistance away, we met up often, and I fell head over heels. My bf confessed tohaving a criminal past, but said he had worked hard to overcome this, get aneducation and worked hard to build a new life.
When my friend and I next met up about 18months later,she was horrified, saying he was not to be trusted and dangerous, though wouldn’tgive me any details.

Very, very stupidly, I didn’t believe her, and carried onthe relationship. Eventually it all came to a catastrophic end. He was no reformed character – and also had amental illness which rapidly deteriorated – hearing voices, paranoia, threateningbehaviour, drug taking, and eventually a serious assault (not towards me), and arrest. It was very frightening.
Due to his previous convictions he was sentenced to anindeterminate sentence. His mental state was classed as a single psychoticepisode. Afterwards I discovered I waspregnant. I was in such a state. I really was completely shocked witheverything that had happened. Iconcentrated my efforts on being a good single mum. I work and am on a goodwage so could support us adequately.

I felt so ashamed of my stupidity, poor judgement, I didn’ttell anyone what happened to my bf. Just made out we had split up and he wasn’tinterested. My friends and family kept insisting I tell him about the baby andeventually I felt so guilty I wrote to him. He was ecstatic and persuaded me tobring our baby to visit. This has carried on and my dd is now 3, though I madeit clear we’re not in a relationship.
I feel as if I’ve come out of a long darkness to seereality. I have now stopped visiting as it’s become clear in the past year ismy ex bf has an ongoing serious mental illness which makes him a danger, andhas done since his teenage years. He is intelligent so hides it from theauthorities as much as he can, as he thinks this will stop him being released.

I feel wracked with guilt for letting him build arelationship with our daughter, and her with him and now stopping it. I thinkwhen he realises I won’t change my mind he’ll be suicidal. I worry constantlyabout what might happen if he is released. I cry most nights inbed at the thought of what I’ve done, how stupid I’ve been to put my daughterin such a situation, and what might happen next. I feel so ashamed.

robpw2

rosey88 wrote: »

I’m a long time lurker - never posted before. I don’t haveanyone I can talk this over with so would really appreciate some other perspectives.I have been sick with worry for months and so angry with myself for being soutterly utterly stupid. Please excuse the long post!

I started a relationship with a man I met through an oldfriend about 8 years ago. At first all was lovely although he lived a fairdistance away, we met up often, and I fell head over heels. My bf confessed tohaving a criminal past, but said he had worked hard to overcome this, get aneducation and worked hard to build a new life.
When my friend and I next met up about 18months later,she was horrified, saying he was not to be trusted and dangerous, though wouldn’tgive me any details.

Very, very stupidly, I didn’t believe her, and carried onthe relationship. Eventually it all came to a catastrophic end. He was no reformed character – and also had amental illness which rapidly deteriorated – hearing voices, paranoia, threateningbehaviour, drug taking, and eventually a serious assault (not towards me), and arrest. It was very frightening.
Due to his previous convictions he was sentenced to anindeterminate sentence. His mental state was classed as a single psychoticepisode. Afterwards I discovered I waspregnant. I was in such a state. I really was completely shocked witheverything that had happened. Iconcentrated my efforts on being a good single mum. I work and am on a goodwage so could support us adequately.

I felt so ashamed of my stupidity, poor judgement, I didn’ttell anyone what happened to my bf. Just made out we had split up and he wasn’tinterested. My friends and family kept insisting I tell him about the baby andeventually I felt so guilty I wrote to him. He was ecstatic and persuaded me tobring our baby to visit. This has carried on and my dd is now 3, though I madeit clear we’re not in a relationship.
I feel as if I’ve come out of a long darkness to seereality. I have now stopped visiting as it’s become clear in the past year ismy ex bf has an ongoing serious mental illness which makes him a danger, andhas done since his teenage years. He is intelligent so hides it from theauthorities as much as he can, as he thinks this will stop him being released.

I feel wracked with guilt for letting him build arelationship with our daughter, and her with him and now stopping it. I thinkwhen he realises I won’t change my mind he’ll be suicidal. I worry constantlyabout what might happen if he is released. I cry most nights inbed at the thought of what I’ve done, how stupid I’ve been to put my daughterin such a situation, and what might happen next. I feel so ashamed.

sorry for the situation you find yourself in but why shouldnt your daughter have a relationship with her dad, from what you say he iin the care of the authorities ,

i think you need to speak to someone about why your feeling liike you do and about what support you can get in terms of allowing her to continue seeing her father whilst making sure she is not at risk,

KateLiana27

Please don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you've made the best of an awful situation and are a fantastic mother to your daughter - you sound responsible and intelligent, and it seems you have tried your best to put her first. Sometimes we only learn things from experience. You gave it a try for your daughter's sake, but are now (sensibly) withdrawing contact now that you have realised the risks.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Your daughter will understand with time and support. You have by no means messed up her life, or yours for that matter. Give yourself a break and some credit. Hugs.

And don't waste any time worrying about him. It sounds as though he is under close supervision by a mental health team, and they are probably smarter than you realise If he is suicidal, that's their and his problem, NOT yours.

Maybe he'll get his act together in future, or maybe he won't. Don't worry about that now. Concentrate on yourself and your child.

Mrs_Imp

If you are concerned about visiting him with your daughter, why not suggest that writing letters would be best for now? Then maybe you can voice your concerns to those in charge of his care and arrange for any future visits by his daughter to be supervised. I agree with robpw2 - he is in the care of the authorities, and your daughters deserves a relationship with her Dad.

Otherwise you may find him seeking legal advice and applying for contact.

poet123

I disagree with the above posters I don't feel that having a relationship with a man such as you describe will be beneficial to your daughter. In your shoes I would not even have told him I was pregnant. However, that is fine to say with hindsight, and what is done is done.

I personally would just stop all contact and look to moving away so that if he is released he can't find you. Your daughter is very young, she will soon forget and if when she is much older you explain the circumstances at that point she can make her own choices.

I expect to get flamed for this post, but in your shoes I would put my daughter first as I think you want to do, but feel badly about your ex and his situation.

amyloofoo

rosey88 wrote: »

Due to his previous convictions he was sentenced to anindeterminate sentence. His mental state was classed as a single psychoticepisode. Afterwards I discovered I waspregnant. I was in such a state. I really was completely shocked witheverything that had happened. Iconcentrated my efforts on being a good single mum. I work and am on a goodwage so could support us adequately.

I felt so ashamed of my stupidity, poor judgement, I didn’ttell anyone what happened to my bf. Just made out we had split up and he wasn’tinterested. My friends and family kept insisting I tell him about the baby andeventually I felt so guilty I wrote to him. He was ecstatic and persuaded me tobring our baby to visit. This has carried on and my dd is now 3, though I madeit clear we’re not in a relationship.
I feel as if I’ve come out of a long darkness to seereality. I have now stopped visiting as it’s become clear in the past year ismy ex bf has an ongoing serious mental illness which makes him a danger, andhas done since his teenage years. He is intelligent so hides it from theauthorities as much as he can, as he thinks this will stop him being released.

I feel wracked with guilt for letting him build arelationship with our daughter, and her with him and now stopping it. I thinkwhen he realises I won’t change my mind he’ll be suicidal. I worry constantlyabout what might happen if he is released. I cry most nights inbed at the thought of what I’ve done, how stupid I’ve been to put my daughterin such a situation, and what might happen next. I feel so ashamed.

From what you've written, I really sympathise - you're in a horrible position through no fault of your own (except for being a little naive - and who isn't?) but it sounds as though you're sincerely trying to make the best of it.

Firstly, why have you chosen not to tell a select few friends and family? I understand that this has to be a personal decision for yourself, but they might be able to support and advise you if they knew the full facts. Please don't feel that people are going to judge you, what you've described are the actions of someone who's made a few errors in judgement, but is trying to make the best of the situation - I'm sure they'd understand. Perhaps if you told them, then these people would be able to support you, whether it's going with you on visits or backing you up if you eventually want to stop contact.

If your ex is on an indeterminate sentence then he should be properly assessed before he's released (and most mental health professionals, particularly those working in the criminal justice system, have experience of working with people who are secretive & evasive about their illness) so he shouldn't be released unless he is either deemed to be 'safe' or is being thoroughly monitored whilst in the community. Of course that probably won't stop you worrying, and there have been tragic cases where this has gone wrong - but if you approach the police once he has a release date then they should be able to advise you about the best ways to stay safe. Again, if you discussed this with family then they may be able to help.

I agree with the poster above that being incarcerated or sectioned is not necessarily a barrier to someone seeing their child - if that child wants to see them and isn't going to be harmed by the visits. How does your daughter react to seeing her father? Is she pleased to see him? Has he ever done anything to upset / distress her? You mustn't beat yourself up or feel guilty about the choices you've made; from the sounds of it you've tried to do what's right for your daughter and whilst some may disagree - it's something only you have the full facts of and can therefore make a decision on. Whether you eventually decide to resume or permanently stop contact, your daughter's welfare is your only concern, not your ex or the impact the decision will have on him (harsh, I know).

Have you tried talking to the mental health professionals involved in your ex's care? How do they feel about visitation? Also, due to the history (not your care) are Social Services involved? I know lots of people have a knee-jerk 'no!' reaction to SS, but they can be very helpful, supportive and could help you to access useful services for yourself and your daughter. If they're not already involved, then it might be worth letting them know about your situation with your ex, as I'm sure you'd want them involved if he ever wanted access following release.

hazyjo

Don't blame yourself. There is no blame to be dished out anyway.

Maybe try and understand a bit more about his illness. Speak with people who understand and can advise you (are there relevant forums, for example? Your own GP?).

So long as ground rules are set down now, and you're not in a relationship with him, and maybe when he's released agree to 'supervised visits', then things could be manageable.

Have you recently started another relationship? Just wondering why the 'moment of clarity'.

Jx

dancingfairy

I too would try social services or perhaps childline? they should be able to point you in the right direction - I'm sure it's for children (or people worried about children)- if it can help the OP's child?
It sounds like a very difficult situation to be in and you are clearly trying to do your best.
What has you old friend said? she sounds like she might have a handle on the situation?
df

January20

poet123 wrote: »

I disagree with the above posters I don't feel that having a relationship with a man such as you describe will be beneficial to your daughter. In your shoes I would not even have told him I was pregnant. However, that is fine to say with hindsight, and what is done is done.

I personally would just stop all contact and look to moving away so that if he is released he can't find you. Your daughter is very young, she will soon forget and if when she is much older you explain the circumstances at that point she can make her own choices.

I expect to get flamed for this post, but in your shoes I would put my daughter first as I think you want to do, but feel badly about your ex and his situation.

No, you won't get flamed from me! I totally agree with this! I don't know what the OP's family and friends were thinking when they were pressurising her? Especially when this man is dangerous! :wall:

robpw2

poet123 wrote: »

I disagree with the above posters I don't feel that having a relationship with a man such as you describe will be beneficial to your daughter. In your shoes I would not even have told him I was pregnant. However, that is fine to say with hindsight, and what is done is done.

I personally would just stop all contact and look to moving away so that if he is released he can't find you. Your daughter is very young, she will soon forget and if when she is much older you explain the circumstances at that point she can make her own choices.

I expect to get flamed for this post, but in your shoes I would put my daughter first as I think you want to do, but feel badly about your ex and his situation.

ok i won't flame you i get where your coming from and can see your point to some extent however why should you punish the daughter for the sins of the father?

it was perfectly acceptable to create a life with him , just not let him have any part of it because he suffers from a mental illness.... thats just cruel

Chakani

January20 wrote: »

I don't know what the OP's family and friends were thinking when they were pressurising her? Especially when this man is dangerous! :wall:

It sounds to me like the friends and family were not aware of who/what sort of man the father was. To them he was presumably just the father of a baby who hadn't been told he was a father. Since the OP chose not to share the details, they could not be expected to know otherwise.