Don't seem to be able to save as a couple.

TheConways

I have to say, if I'd lived with my inlaws for five years and had a full-time job, I'd darn well want to spend a bit of my hard earnt cash on a few cosmetic treats and Kindle books from Amazon.

You have 45K in the bank today as savings. This is more than enough for a deposit on a flat/house, even in London. Why are you still with mum & dad?

BitterAndTwisted

It doesn't really matter why they are still living with family after five years. What does matter to the OP at the moment is the savings-pot. It seems to me that the OP probably has a monthly "savings-target" where the other party only saves what's left over unspent at the end of the month. This is a difficult mind-set to change even taking into account what a woman may see as "necessary spending" on personal care and suchlike, which can often be very different to a man's.

BugglyB

I wonder if you ever 'splash out'? My oh is very frugal but every once in a while will book us a holiday or take me for a very nice meal. It won't eat into your savings that much but spontaneous fun is great for a relationship.

Pollycat

BarrelScraper wrote: »

The thing is, we currently live with my folks & we're putting money aside for when we get our own place, which is scheduled for next year. We have our target set for what we need to save each this year. Aside from when i was signed off work, i'm consistently hitting well above it & she's consistently hitting well below the target (we both have the same amount to hit).

She's been living with us for a little more than 5 years & in that time i've gone from about £5k savings to about £35k savings. In the same timeframe she's gone from about £0 savings to £10k savings ... all while earning approx the same amount each month. About £3.5k of that £10k was thanks to redundancy money.

A few things stand out to me in your post.

I (and it may just be me who is reading it like this) find it strange that you say 'living with us' rather than we live together with my folks.

Does your partner really feel part of the family or does she feel that she's been camping out in someone else's house for 5 years?
Maybe her spending is to compensate for the fact that she's not happy where she is.

BarrelScraper wrote: »

The thing is, we currently live with my folks & we're putting money aside for when we get our own place, which is scheduled for next year. We have our target set for what we need to save each this year. Aside from when i was signed off work, i'm consistently hitting well above it & she's consistently hitting well below the target (we both have the same amount to hit).

Did you actually discuss and agree the target or did you impose it?
This isn't a wild accusation, but you do sound as though you're trying to control her spending.

What percentage of your disposible income is your target to save?
How much does she have left after that?
Maybe she feels you're being too controlling and is kicking over the traces.

I don't think you come across as a bundle of fun to be with, tbh.

Isn't there a saying something like "don't be too obsessed with the destination that you don't enjoy the journey".

Maybe saving for the house is your all-consuming thought but it just isn't hers.

BarrelScraper

Pollycat wrote: »

I (and it may just be me who is reading it like this) find it strange that you say 'living with us' rather than we live together with my folks.

I've just got the chance to catch up on this thread. It's late so i was going to reply tomorrow, but this quote here makes me want to reply to it right now.

It is frustrating that you have to be so careful on here about the exact words you choose. You can say the same thing, but in 2 different ways, yet if you say it one way people will pick it apart instantly & say you should be saying this instead.

Over analysing IMO. Looking for something that really isn't there.


So to cease any confusion whatsoever, please allow me to clarify...

"we all live together as one happy family".

I hope that eases any confusion anyone (not just you) may have had.

No, i didn't "impose" anything, we discussed at length & the monthly targets were something that we both agreed on. I don't "make" her decisions for her, we discuss, and then we come to an agreement. She'll disagree with things i say & agree with others, likewise i with her, and then we'll come to some agreement.

For the picky ones of the forum, no doubt "come to some agreement" will be analysed with the highest power of microscopes. Insert any phrase you care to use that basically means what you know i'm trying to say though.

Anyway, for example, we both agreed to hit a minimum of £300 save per month to hit our target. NOTE: >>>>OUR<<<< target. I am consistently hitting above that figure, whereas she is consistently hitting below it.


For years my partner has gone on at me about moving out, while i have stayed quiet. Admittedly at first i didn't feel quite ready, but now i do. All the while i have stayed quiet - not silent, but just quiet. The proof is in the pudding however - i am saving to make the move as easy as possible - next year is the joint decision that we move.
2012 was supposed to be our HARD save - as in we live like recluses for 12 months (yes, an agreed decision), save what we can & then move. Once we've moved, we can put aside for holidays & such like - enjoying life if you will.

So while it may seem that this is "no fun" - i don't enjoy it either, but it is temporary (until next year only - when we move out), again i reiterate ... a joint decision which was as i said before, discussed at length.


I will try & reply to the rest tomorrow. I just wanted to address that comment tonight.


EDIT: As i know it'll get picked up on & blown out of proportion ... when i say stayed quiet, i don't mean ignored any discussion - we did discuss.
In laymens terms ... i'm saying that she did all the shouting, but no action, nothing to show she was ready financially to move, and i did none of the shouting, but all of the action - i.e. i was saving big percentages of my monthly wage. So while i was being accused of 100% not wanting to move out, i was always saving to make it easier for US BOTH for when we moved.

ATEOTD, we don't want to be paying a mortgage off into retirement. We don't want high monthly repayments, hence the reason we have stayed here for as long as we have. Some or even most will have moved out before now, but there is no right/wrong on when to move out. We've both agreed 2013 ... so that is our "right" time. I just hope my partners monthly spending doesn't leave us in the position where we have no choice but to sell the house.

Pollycat

BarrelScraper wrote: »

I've just got the chance to catch up on this thread. It's late so i was going to reply tomorrow, but this quote here makes me want to reply to it right now.

It is frustrating that you have to be so careful on here about the exact words you choose. You can say the same thing, but in 2 different ways, yet if you say it one way people will pick it apart instantly & say you should be saying this instead.

Over analysing IMO. Looking for something that really isn't there.


So to cease any confusion whatsoever, please allow me to clarify...

"we all live together as one happy family".

I hope that eases any confusion anyone (not just you) may have had.

No, i didn't "impose" anything, we discussed at length & the monthly targets were something that we both agreed on. I don't "make" her decisions for her, we discuss, and then we come to an agreement. She'll disagree with things i say & agree with others, likewise i with her, and then we'll come to some agreement.

For the picky ones of the forum, no doubt "come to some agreement" will be analysed with the highest power of microscopes. Insert any phrase you care to use that basically means what you know i'm trying to say though.

Anyway, for example, we both agreed to hit a minimum of £300 save per month to hit our target. NOTE: >>>>OUR<<<< target. I am consistently hitting above that figure, whereas she is consistently hitting below it.


For years my partner has gone on at me about moving out, while i have stayed quiet. Admittedly at first i didn't feel quite ready, but now i do. All the while i have stayed quiet - not silent, but just quiet. The proof is in the pudding however - i am saving to make the move as easy as possible - next year is the joint decision that we move.
2012 was supposed to be our HARD save - as in we live like recluses for 12 months (yes, an agreed decision), save what we can & then move. Once we've moved, we can put aside for holidays & such like - enjoying life if you will.

So while it may seem that this is "no fun" - i don't enjoy it either, but it is temporary (until next year only - when we move out), again i reiterate ... a joint decision which was as i said before, discussed at length.


I will try & reply to the rest tomorrow. I just wanted to address that comment tonight.


EDIT: As i know it'll get picked up on & blown out of proportion ... when i say stayed quiet, i don't mean ignored any discussion - we did discuss.
In laymens terms ... i'm saying that she did all the shouting, but no action, nothing to show she was ready financially to move, and i did none of the shouting, but all of the action - i.e. i was saving big percentages of my monthly wage. So while i was being accused of 100% not wanting to move out, i was always saving to make it easier for US BOTH for when we moved.

ATEOTD, we don't want to be paying a mortgage off into retirement. We don't want high monthly repayments, hence the reason we have stayed here for as long as we have. Some or even most will have moved out before now, but there is no right/wrong on when to move out. We've both agreed 2013 ... so that is our "right" time. I just hope my partners monthly spending doesn't leave us in the position where we have no choice but to sell the house.

You appear to have taken exception to my post.

Note:
I did say it 'might be me reading it that way'.

Of course the problem is with writing on a public forum, people can't see the expression on your face or the inflexion in your voice.
They also don't know you - they can only go on what you choose to write.

Although you insist that the decisions were made jointly I really do sympathise with your partner and I will leave other posters to advise you with your dilemma.

Sambucus_Nigra

BarrelScraper wrote: »

Anyway, for example, we both agreed to hit a minimum of £300 save per month to hit our target. NOTE: >>>>OUR<<<< target. I am consistently hitting above that figure, whereas she is consistently hitting below it.

Which is why you need a standing order on pay day to a joint savings account for that figure so that it's done before any spends come out.

I can't see why if that figure has been agreed, why you don't both set it up. It would have taken you less time than that rant you just posted.

January20

BarrelScraper wrote: »

I've just got the chance to catch up on this thread. It's late so i was going to reply tomorrow, but this quote here makes me want to reply to it right now.

It is frustrating that you have to be so careful on here about the exact words you choose. You can say the same thing, but in 2 different ways, yet if you say it one way people will pick it apart instantly & say you should be saying this instead.

Over analysing IMO. Looking for something that really isn't there.


So to cease any confusion whatsoever, please allow me to clarify...

"we all live together as one happy family".

I hope that eases any confusion anyone (not just you) may have had.

No, i didn't "impose" anything, we discussed at length & the monthly targets were something that we both agreed on. I don't "make" her decisions for her, we discuss, and then we come to an agreement. She'll disagree with things i say & agree with others, likewise i with her, and then we'll come to some agreement.

For the picky ones of the forum, no doubt "come to some agreement" will be analysed with the highest power of microscopes. Insert any phrase you care to use that basically means what you know i'm trying to say though.

Anyway, for example, we both agreed to hit a minimum of £300 save per month to hit our target. NOTE: >>>>OUR<<<< target. I am consistently hitting above that figure, whereas she is consistently hitting below it.


For years my partner has gone on at me about moving out, while i have stayed quiet. Admittedly at first i didn't feel quite ready, but now i do. All the while i have stayed quiet - not silent, but just quiet. The proof is in the pudding however - i am saving to make the move as easy as possible - next year is the joint decision that we move.
2012 was supposed to be our HARD save - as in we live like recluses for 12 months (yes, an agreed decision), save what we can & then move. Once we've moved, we can put aside for holidays & such like - enjoying life if you will.

So while it may seem that this is "no fun" - i don't enjoy it either, but it is temporary (until next year only - when we move out), again i reiterate ... a joint decision which was as i said before, discussed at length.


I will try & reply to the rest tomorrow. I just wanted to address that comment tonight.


EDIT: As i know it'll get picked up on & blown out of proportion ... when i say stayed quiet, i don't mean ignored any discussion - we did discuss.
In laymens terms ... i'm saying that she did all the shouting, but no action, nothing to show she was ready financially to move, and i did none of the shouting, but all of the action - i.e. i was saving big percentages of my monthly wage. So while i was being accused of 100% not wanting to move out, i was always saving to make it easier for US BOTH for when we moved.

ATEOTD, we don't want to be paying a mortgage off into retirement. We don't want high monthly repayments, hence the reason we have stayed here for as long as we have. Some or even most will have moved out before now, but there is no right/wrong on when to move out. We've both agreed 2013 ... so that is our "right" time. I just hope my partners monthly spending doesn't leave us in the position where we have no choice but to sell the house.

If this reply is a typical example of how you react to people who don't see things as you do, how can you be sure that your partner didn't just agree with you for peace and quiet!

If there is any blame to be apportioned regarding how posters replied to your first post, it lays with you, as you should have written your post more carefully, having in mind that a lot of strangers would read it! The bit I quoted in my response is exactly what I mean. Also, you don't give a lot of useful detail like your age for instance (important when you say you don't want to pay a mortgage into retirement). You say you agreed to pay a minimum of £300 per month but that means nothing when posters don't know what your wife's salary is and what her outgoings are! You don't have to give those details but don't expect posters to be miracle workers and come up with a solution for you then!

I also think that sometimes people write how they really feel, unconsciously and instinctively ie: when unguarded you say "she lives with us" but then "we all live happily as a big family" when pulled up. I wonder how your wife really sees it..

I'm going to leave this thread as well, because you don't want people to tell you what they think, you want them to tell you how awful your wife is with money and I can't do that.