Don't know what to do about this friend

Flashdaisy

Not sure whether to just end the friendship and move on tbh.

I've known her for five years. Our younger DCs are the same age. We met locally at a playgroup and became good friends. She's always been nice but a bit flaky and unreliable, although not hugely so, just a bit late for meet ups and sometimes cancelling at the last minute. It was always ok with me though as sometimes I had to cancel too because of the DCs or things that cropped up.

About 18 months ago she moved to a town about half an hour away. She doesn't drive so if we want to meet up it has to be me that does the travelling as the public transport is rubbish here.

We met up a few times, at her new house and at a playcentre in her local town. About three months ago she invited my youngest child and I over to lunch on a weekday. She instigated the contact for this and invited us, with no suggestion from me. So we duly arrived there on said day, only to find she wasn't home. I waited for a while then tried to phone her several times, and got no reply. Worried, I phoned her husband at work, and he said 'oh she's gone to X's house for lunch today' and seemed baffled that I had turned up to meet her. I didn't hear from her until the following evening, when she sent me a FB message saying she was sorry but she'd had a double booking, and she'd 'meant' to phone me but 'well, you know what it's like'.

I gave her the benefit of the doubt but held back a bit and didn't make much contact, and then two weeks ago she invited me over again, to meet at a playcentre. I agreed and she said to give her a call when I had arrived at the centre and she would walk down (she lives 5 minutes away and I was unsure as to the exact time I could make it, due to school runs and a couple of other appointments). So I did this, drove for a half hour, got there, called her, only for her to say she was actually in MY home town, spending the day with a mutual friend instead. Her husband had dropped her off on his way to work and was picking her up on his way home. So not only had she again not bothered to cancel her plans with me, I had travelled all that way when there was no need, and it would have been nice to meet up with her and the mutual friend as a group of 3! I was quite upset and said to her that I felt really silly having driven all that way and it was a huge disappointment, and she was of the attitude that it really wasn't THAT big a deal.

So I drove home, and decided to make minimal contact with her in future. If she wants to see me, she can come here, as it's clear she has the means to get here now! I can't help feeling a bit guilty and mean though, but she hasn't exactly treated me well has she?

Tish_P

How rude of her!

If you decide you want to stay friends anyway, from now on only make contact that doesn't involve plans she can mess up ("I'm in your town right now, do you want to meet for a coffee in five minutes?" or "Me and a friend will be at (bar) from 7pm until 9 ish tonight, come along if you want to"). But you'd be perfectly justified in cutting off this friendship and concentrating on the people who don't waste your time and make you feel bad.

newcook

half an hour away is not far to travel on public transport.

I would say next time she suggests meeting up to have it at your house/area and if she conveniently forgets again at least you havent wasted petrol and time.

Ginger_Poodle

For me the main issue is not the petrol/time/inconvenience - it is the lack of respect. Of course, mistakes happen. If it had happened once & you had received a humbled apology then I would let it slide. However it has happened twice & each time she has behaved as if it was unimportant. I am sorry to sound harsh but it looks like your friendship & time has no value to her. For me in that situation, I would break all ties and concentrate my care & friendship on those who deserve it.

Flashdaisy

Thank you everyone.

I think deep down I feel the friendship is over. As Ginger Poodle points out, it is the lack of respect. I really wouldn't have minded if it was just the once and she had been mortified about forgetting.

I also feel that by her coming to my home town and not telling me, whilst letting me make the journey over there, she has taken the mickey, and she just didn't seem to 'get' why I was upset at all.

CH27

It sounds as though it was a friendship for a season & that season has passed on by.

Concentrate on the good friends that you have & let her contact you if she chooses.

weepingtree

If nothing else it show's complete lack of thought for your feelings, she had already stood you up once and half heartedly apologised, but to do it again a mere 2 weeks later, not only stand you up, but let you travel half an hour then meet up in your home town with a mutual friend of yours is in my opinion taking the p***

Time to cut and run methinks

McKneff

I can only agree with the other posters on here.

After the first time she let you down, you maybe should have rung her the night before to check the arrangements were still on. She would have had the chance to say something then.

But I would just let the friendship fade away and if she wants contact, let her do the running.

londonsurrey

Flashdaisy wrote: »

'well, you know what it's like'.

I would say that it's more a matter of you now know exactly what she's like, and can make your decision based on that. You've given her a second chance, so it's not just you being precious.

KiKi

I think it depends if you still want her as a friend, and whether you're prepared to actually talk to her about it.

If you want NOTHING more to do with her, then cut all ties. However, if you're happy to have her as a casual friend (rather than a 'good' friend) then I would just not pursue anything unless she calls, and even then only agree if she comes to you so you're not put out.

Her attitude doesn't sound great. However - it doesn't sound like you've talked about it with her. You say she's always been a bit unreliable and flaky, so the fact that you've put up with it before may mean that she just genuinely has no idea of her impact on others. Some people really don't. I'm not excusing her behaviour, and you could say "she should know it's rude!" but some people have never, ever been pulled up on their behaviour, or had any friends tell them how they really feel. They maintain superficial relationships because no-one's actually said anything.

Regardless of whether you cut all ties, or keep her as a casual friend, I think you owe it to yourself (and her, actually) to tell her the impact it has on you. I don't mean a text or a quick conversation, but a proper conversation to explain the impact on your friendship. I think her reaction to *that*, and her actions afterwards will tell you whether or not she's a good friend.

KiKi

Lotus-eater

She doesn't sound anything like a friend to me, maybe our definition of the word friend is different.

I wouldn't worry about her in the slightest, she's obviously not bothered, why should you be.
It's never going to be a decent friendship, move on and find someone else who makes it worthwhile for your time and effort.