Oh treating his children differently to mine

Sambucus_Nigra

You either need to agree ground rules for everyone. Or you need to be the sole disciplinarian for your DD.

He can't have it both ways.

emweaver

weepingtree wrote: »

So why can't he pick his battles with my dd, he is very strict with her, he says I let her walk all over me and he dosn't like it !

I must admit though I am a softie but I was treated as a little slave when I was younger and swore blind never to be like this with any child of mine.

and I must say although she is an only child she loves having the others over, she shares everything and often says when we are out shopping oh we could get that for x when he comes over next.

I think you need to sit him down tell him how you feel and how you want things to be.

I do not think it is fair the way he treats your dd and I would be very upset if I was in your situation.

You need to start disciplining his children though in order for them to respect you and your home.

They all need to be treated equal.

If your OH tries to punish your DD for something you know does not ring true stand up for her.

weepingtree

FBaby wrote: »

I am a strong believer that step-parents shouldn't discipline children outside from what has been agreed with the parent.

There are no right and wrong way to discipline children to insure they will become well-adjusted adults, although most parents believe they know better. The thing is, they know better from their perspective, their experience and their opinion. In the end, as long as children are respective of the adults/children around them, it is their parents choice to decide which values they want to teach their children.

My partner doesn't discipline my children, nor does their step-mother and I wouldn't have it any different. I am confident in my way of raising them and wouldn't want someone but their dad imposing that I should do things differently. I am always open to suggestions, but in the end, it is my choice. Of course I expect my children to have complete respect for their step-parents (as their teachers and anyone else), but if I believe that it is ok for them to walk on their own at a certain age and their step-parents don't agree, ultimately, it will be my (their dad's) decision.

This is why it was essentiel before my partner and I got together that he felt my raising my children with similar values than his. He met the kids quite quickly as it was important for both of us to see how we interacted together before deciding whether we wanted to take things further. Thankfully, he says that I bring them up very similarly than he was himself brought up.

We've been living together for 18 months and discipline has never been an issue. He has taken on a role more of an educator about some things (usually relating to tidiness) and the children are very receptive to this approach. They adore him. Their step-mum has more of a friendly relationship with them and again, it works very well.

Of course I would expect my partner to come to me if he had any concerns about something I do, but that doesn't mean I would automatically adhere to his position.

I think the change that needs to take place in your household is for him to back off from disciplining your daughter his own way. If you want to bring her up with a more softie approach than he would, that is your decision. Same for him and his kids. What needs to be taken into consideration though is that the rules are not so opposite that the kids are treated dramatically differently when they are together. Still, I don't agree it has to be completely the same. Their situations are not the same.

In regards to the specific incidents you mention, there is no right or wrong. My DD could never be forced to eat something once she had set her mind not to eat. She would indeed go into hysterics to the point of throwing up. I've learnt it was pointless to get into a battle with this, however, it was one that son responded fine to.

In regards to the certificate, could it be that unwillingly, your DD upset her step-sibling by bragging about the certificates? Are they themselves not so clever? It is one thing to mention some results but to wait for them to be there to go and put them on the wall could have been interpreted by them as rubbing it in their nose, hence hiding them? Maybe your OH thinks this and this is why he is not disciplining them fully, but isn't telling you because he thinks you will take offense?

I think you need to have a serious talk with your OH before resentment builds all around. Tell him how you feel. Go over the things you both agree (and you can therefore impose on the children yourself regardless of the child), and what you disagree about and therefore let the parent deal with. Agree mechanisms so conflict is avoided as much as possible. For instance, why not let your OH do the cooking when his kids are there. If they don't eat it and he has to make a sandwich for them, that's his problem.

thanks for taking the time to give such a thought out response Fbaby, you have given me some things to think about

weepingtree

balletshoes wrote: »

Are you and your DD happy with your OH doing the disciplining (especially if you think he's very strict with her)? I'm asking because in your shoes I don't think I would be, and if you're not, you have to speak up, because your DD is a child and her opinion isn't likely to be considered by your OH as much as yours would.

Well I thought I was ok with it, but after this weekend I think things will be changing because its just not sending her the right messages at the moment.

weepingtree

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

You either need to agree ground rules for everyone. Or you need to be the sole disciplinarian for your DD.

He can't have it both ways.

definately agree

weepingtree

emweaver wrote: »

I think you need to sit him down tell him how you feel and how you want things to be.

I do not think it is fair the way he treats your dd and I would be very upset if I was in your situation.

You need to start disciplining his children though in order for them to respect you and your home.

They all need to be treated equal.

If your OH tries to punish your DD for something you know does not ring true stand up for her.

Yes I need to grow a pair :eek:

newcook

weepingtree wrote: »

But this weekend I made something I knew full well they have eaten all up before, and enjoyed. But one of his kids after a few mouthfulls insisted they didn't like it and started crying. My Oh then said Ok well we'll make him some toast so he's not hungry and then he can have some desert. And that was that.

After they had gone to bed I asked my Oh why we treated him differently to my dd after he always tells her that he would treat them the same. His answer was he could tell by his face that he was about to vomit ! I didn't quite have an answer for that.

I think my reaction would have been that if he was going to vomit then he shouldnt have had the toast and especially desert - just to be on the safe side

Your OH definitely needs to be told that if you cannot discipline his children then he cannot discipline yours – if he feels you are too soft on yours then that is his problem.

weepingtree

newcook wrote: »

I think my reaction would have been that if he was going to vomit then he shouldnt have had the toast and especially desert - just to be on the safe side

Your OH definitely needs to be told that if you cannot discipline his children then he cannot discipline yours – if he feels you are too soft on yours then that is his problem.

not sure how to hi - light a bit of text

but to the first paragraph, why didn't I think of that :T

and agree with the second paragraph too.

gravitytolls

weepingtree wrote: »

Yes I need to grow a pair :eek:

So it seems ~ looks like he's happy for his offspring to walk all over you because he does.

Are you just a big softie? Maybe, nothing wrong with that, but if you have rules, all members of the household, no matter how many days they spend there, should be adhered to. Let's face it, you're not advocating beating his kids, just saying no and the odd ticking off when necessary.

It shouldn't be such a big deal, should it?