Oh treating his children differently to mine

weepingtree

Ames wrote: »

I wonder if some of the problem is that your daughter's an only child and the others are two? Maybe your OH is more used to little squabbles and has more practise at picking battles?

That's not a dig about only children or anything.

So why can't he pick his battles with my dd, he is very strict with her, he says I let her walk all over me and he dosn't like it !

I must admit though I am a softie but I was treated as a little slave when I was younger and swore blind never to be like this with any child of mine.

and I must say although she is an only child she loves having the others over, she shares everything and often says when we are out shopping oh we could get that for x when he comes over next.

FBaby

I am a strong believer that step-parents shouldn't discipline children outside from what has been agreed with the parent.

There are no right and wrong way to discipline children to insure they will become well-adjusted adults, although most parents believe they know better. The thing is, they know better from their perspective, their experience and their opinion. In the end, as long as children are respective of the adults/children around them, it is their parents choice to decide which values they want to teach their children.

My partner doesn't discipline my children, nor does their step-mother and I wouldn't have it any different. I am confident in my way of raising them and wouldn't want someone but their dad imposing that I should do things differently. I am always open to suggestions, but in the end, it is my choice. Of course I expect my children to have complete respect for their step-parents (as their teachers and anyone else), but if I believe that it is ok for them to walk on their own at a certain age and their step-parents don't agree, ultimately, it will be my (their dad's) decision.

This is why it was essentiel before my partner and I got together that he felt my raising my children with similar values than his. He met the kids quite quickly as it was important for both of us to see how we interacted together before deciding whether we wanted to take things further. Thankfully, he says that I bring them up very similarly than he was himself brought up.

We've been living together for 18 months and discipline has never been an issue. He has taken on a role more of an educator about some things (usually relating to tidiness) and the children are very receptive to this approach. They adore him. Their step-mum has more of a friendly relationship with them and again, it works very well.

Of course I would expect my partner to come to me if he had any concerns about something I do, but that doesn't mean I would automatically adhere to his position.

I think the change that needs to take place in your household is for him to back off from disciplining your daughter his own way. If you want to bring her up with a more softie approach than he would, that is your decision. Same for him and his kids. What needs to be taken into consideration though is that the rules are not so opposite that the kids are treated dramatically differently when they are together. Still, I don't agree it has to be completely the same. Their situations are not the same.

In regards to the specific incidents you mention, there is no right or wrong. My DD could never be forced to eat something once she had set her mind not to eat. She would indeed go into hysterics to the point of throwing up. I've learnt it was pointless to get into a battle with this, however, it was one that son responded fine to.

In regards to the certificate, could it be that unwillingly, your DD upset her step-sibling by bragging about the certificates? Are they themselves not so clever? It is one thing to mention some results but to wait for them to be there to go and put them on the wall could have been interpreted by them as rubbing it in their nose, hence hiding them? Maybe your OH thinks this and this is why he is not disciplining them fully, but isn't telling you because he thinks you will take offense?

I think you need to have a serious talk with your OH before resentment builds all around. Tell him how you feel. Go over the things you both agree (and you can therefore impose on the children yourself regardless of the child), and what you disagree about and therefore let the parent deal with. Agree mechanisms so conflict is avoided as much as possible. For instance, why not let your OH do the cooking when his kids are there. If they don't eat it and he has to make a sandwich for them, that's his problem.

peachyprice

weepingtree wrote: »

The reason I don't discipline them at all is because on other occasions when I have even made suggestions about his children his standard answer is I'm dad I'll deal with it

Then that is the response you should give to him when he wants to discipline your daughter. He can't have it both ways and neither can you.

FBaby

peachyprice wrote: »

Then that is the response you should give to him when he wants to discipline your daughter. He can't have it both ways and neither can you.

Exactly

cte1111

I think it's difficult if you are in charge of children and aren't allowed to discipline them. You were left with all 3 children whilst your OH had a bath, so at that point it was up to you to deal with the situation. The actual issue sounds pretty par for the course, e.g. children teasing their siblings but it's the divide between you and your OH that is the issue.

My husband is my daughter's step-father but we agreed as soon as he moved in that he was able to deal with her the same as I would. Very occasionally I disagree with the way he parents but I don't say so at the time, I discuss it with him afterwards so we don't give a mixed message.

I would feel the same about my daughter's step-mother or Granny / step-Grandad disciplining my DD, e.g. if she's staying with them, then I have to trust their judgement in terms of how they deal with her. If they were doing something I disagreed with, then I might talk to them about it, or I might let it go, e.g. once at a wedding her Dad and step-mother let her eat too many chocolates and she was sick. I wasn't impressed but decided to let it go, just telling my daughter that that was why we don't eat too many sweets.

I agree with some of the other posters that kids do pick on each other a bit and your DD will probably have to get used to this now she's not the only child in the household. Evidently she is happy to have step-siblings which is lovely, maybe a chat to explain that she shouldn't take their teasing too seriously would help.

FBaby

You were left with all 3 children whilst your OH had a bath, so at that point it was up to you to deal with the situation.

I don't think there was a need for discpline at this stage. She comforted her DD and tried to assess the situation which is fine. Disciplining required understanding what had really happened and that was right to wait for her OH to be present. I think the issue is that he didn't blame his kids rather than the discipline itself here.

My husband is my daughter's step-father but we agreed as soon as he moved in that he was able to deal with her the same as I would. Very occasionally I disagree with the way he parents but I don't say so at the time, I discuss it with him afterwards so we don't give a mixed message.

That's the point. If it is the same, than it of course is never an issue. I too don't have a problem with my partner telling my kids to go and clear their bedroom when it is something I would say too. If however he told them that it had to be spotless at any time, that he would do a check every single evenings and if there was as much as a sock on the floor, they would lose their privilege for the whole week, then yes, it would become a problem.

The problem is when disciplining styles are different and one impose their style to the children of their partner.

If they were doing something I disagreed with, then I might talk to them about it, or I might let it go, e.g. once at a wedding her Dad and step-mother let her eat too many chocolates and she was sick.

But what if it was something significant? Like the step-mum left the child on their own to do her shopping when the dad is playing football. YOu have a really issue with this. Dad kind of agrees with you, but isn't that bothered either way. You say that it is a problem for you and for him to discuss it with her. A week later, you find out it happens again, and when you bring it up again, the step-mum tells you that you are over protective and that it does your child good to have a bit of autonomy. Do you then keep quiet and accept that they discipline differently in their house and that it is ok that her views override that of your ex?

I am so grateful that even though I don't have anything in common with my ex new partner in terms of values and principles, thankfully, we do tend to have similar views on education. I have more expectations of my children then she does hers, but overall, she is pretty happy to leave any issues to their dad. The only issue we tend to significantly defer is in terms of health. She is the type to seek medical care at the slighest problem whereas I am confident with my assessment and believe that many things don't require a doctor appointment. It came up with my son was still wetting the bed at 5. She thought it wasn't right and he needed disciplining/taking him to the doctor. I considered that it was nothing to worry at that time and that putting pressure on him was only making it worse. They relaxed a bit when my son started refusing to stay overnight and sure enough, within a few months he was completely dry.

tyllwyd

I think it is a big deal that you don't feel able to discipline his kids when they are staying with you. What does that make you - their big sister? the babysitter? You and your OH need to be able to show all the kids that you are working as a team, in the same way that any parents do. That doesn't mean that you always have to agree, that would be impossible, but you have to make sure that you are not undermining each other, and if the two of you are in a relationship he should be showing that he respects your judgment and your place in the household.

The incident with the certificate sounds a lot like jealousy because your dd was getting too much fuss - normal sibling stuff, but if your OH did cover up and not point out to the boys that this wasn't the right way to behave, then he's not giving them the right message about the way they have to treat you and your daughter. And he's not giving the right message to you about how he sees you and your relationship for the future.

balletshoes

weepingtree wrote: »

So why can't he pick his battles with my dd, he is very strict with her, he says I let her walk all over me and he dosn't like it !

Are you and your DD happy with your OH doing the disciplining (especially if you think he's very strict with her)? I'm asking because in your shoes I don't think I would be, and if you're not, you have to speak up, because your DD is a child and her opinion isn't likely to be considered by your OH as much as yours would.

cte1111

FBaby wrote: »

The problem is when disciplining styles are different and one impose their style to the children of their partner.

But what if it was something significant? Like the step-mum left the child on their own to do her shopping when the dad is playing football. YOu have a really issue with this. Dad kind of agrees with you, but isn't that bothered either way. You say that it is a problem for you and for him to discuss it with her. A week later, you find out it happens again, and when you bring it up again, the step-mum tells you that you are over protective and that it does your child good to have a bit of autonomy. Do you then keep quiet and accept that they discipline differently in their house and that it is ok that her views override that of your ex?

If it was something significant and repeated after I expressed concern, then she wouldn't be staying with them again. My daughter has a right to know both sides of her family, but she's also got a right to security and safety which IMHO sometimes over-rules the first part.

Sadly I have had to prevent her Dad from seeing her in the past, after we think he left her alone and she was hysterical about going to his flat again. I asked him to go through mediation but he refused to pay for it, we didn't then hear from him for over a year after that.

I've always maintained contact with his Mum (my DD's Granny) as I trust her to look after my DD well and respect my boundaries. In fact, since my ex has been with his now wife, I would trust him more as hopefully he has grown up and now has another reasonably sensible person to help look after my DD on the rare occasion that he can find time to see her. But the point remains that anyone who is caring for a child should be able to apply some form of discipline or else the situation in untenable.

vax2002

It is his natural instincts to treat his children more favourably than another man's Children.
Find yours and protect your children from unfavourable treatment .

All boiled down we are Animals with instincts.