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Oh treating his children differently to mine
weepingtree
Posts: 60 Forumite
We have his children every weekend and this is beginning to get me down a bit.
Before anything let me say I care greatly for his kids, but I never discipline them when they stay, just don't think its my place. I do however speak to my Oh if I see anything amiss and hope that he deals with it appropriatly.
This happened again weekend just gone.
Occaisionally my dd gets fussy with food it is rare, but when she refuses to eat something we know she has eaten before and enjoyed, we always tell her thats all there is, and if she dosn't want to eat it then that is ok but there will be no desert as she is obviously full or she would have eaten all her dinner. My Oh always enforces to her that he would treat his children the same. Sometimes she kicks off about it but we stick to our guns and never make her anything else, or give her desert.
Now a couple of times this has happened with my Oh's children but they have sworn black is white they don't like it and as I havn't seen them eat it before I can't say if this is true or not so my Oh will let them not eat it and still give them desert as he says he's not sure.
But this weekend I made something I knew full well they have eaten all up before, and enjoyed. But one of his kids after a few mouthfulls insisted they didn't like it and started crying. My Oh then said Ok well we'll make him some toast so he's not hungry and then he can have some desert. And that was that.
After they had gone to bed I asked my Oh why we treated him differently to my dd after he always tells her that he would treat them the same. His answer was he could tell by his face that he was about to vomit ! I didn't quite have an answer for that.
So fast forward to the following day they are all 3 in my dd's room and she has just showed them her recent certificates from school which she worked so hard to get and is so proud of ! She had asked me if she could blue tack them to her wall I said yes.
I gave her some blue tack and went downstairs, she put one on the wall and came down to ask for more blue tack as she had used it all on one, she was gone from her room a matter of minutes, next thing I know she is crying I go up and she says her other 2 certificates were missing. She had left them on her bed, with my oh's children in her room.
I asked the 2 others if they had seen them they said no. I hunted with my dd in her room for a good 10 mins and couldn't find them anywhere. Then we hunted downstairs obviously no where to be seen. My Oh was in the bath when this was all going on.
When he came out of the bath I informed him what had happened, my dd was still crying. He asked his kids if they had seen them they said no. So he then asks us all to leave my dd's room while he looked for them, he comes out a few mins later hasn't found them so he also searches around downstairs.
I then said well they can't have vanished come on we'll check her room again. Once again he insisted that he check her room on his own. This time he comes out after a few mins with them in hand. I asked him where he had found them and he said on the top near the dvd's well I know full well I looked there more than once. He said that I couldn't have looked hard enough. This annoyed me I know how to look for things and I know where I looked.
I then said but how did they move from the bed to there anyway my dd only left the room for 2 - 3 mins to run and ask me for blue tack, I asked if he thought his kids might have done it and he said I asked them and they said no.
There is no other way they could have moved from the bed on their own. And they were not where he said he found them as I looked there !
I was so mad my dd was sobbing so hard as she was so proud of them. I told him I thought his kids had hidden them and that it was prob a joke but they could see the state my dd was in and should have said immediately. But he said he believed them no matter what.
Well when I think of the times my dd has told my Oh or I something that didn't quite ring true, my Oh will always tell her he knows she's lying and will put her in her room or take privalages away and he does this a lot. But the thing is he dosn't know for sure. So how can he punish my dd for saying something that doesnt ring true, but just let his kids get away with it. My dd was adamant they had done it too. He just told us to drop it and stop making a problem where there wasn't one.
I'm worried about the messages we are sending to her.
Before anything let me say I care greatly for his kids, but I never discipline them when they stay, just don't think its my place. I do however speak to my Oh if I see anything amiss and hope that he deals with it appropriatly.
This happened again weekend just gone.
Occaisionally my dd gets fussy with food it is rare, but when she refuses to eat something we know she has eaten before and enjoyed, we always tell her thats all there is, and if she dosn't want to eat it then that is ok but there will be no desert as she is obviously full or she would have eaten all her dinner. My Oh always enforces to her that he would treat his children the same. Sometimes she kicks off about it but we stick to our guns and never make her anything else, or give her desert.
Now a couple of times this has happened with my Oh's children but they have sworn black is white they don't like it and as I havn't seen them eat it before I can't say if this is true or not so my Oh will let them not eat it and still give them desert as he says he's not sure.
But this weekend I made something I knew full well they have eaten all up before, and enjoyed. But one of his kids after a few mouthfulls insisted they didn't like it and started crying. My Oh then said Ok well we'll make him some toast so he's not hungry and then he can have some desert. And that was that.
After they had gone to bed I asked my Oh why we treated him differently to my dd after he always tells her that he would treat them the same. His answer was he could tell by his face that he was about to vomit ! I didn't quite have an answer for that.
So fast forward to the following day they are all 3 in my dd's room and she has just showed them her recent certificates from school which she worked so hard to get and is so proud of ! She had asked me if she could blue tack them to her wall I said yes.
I gave her some blue tack and went downstairs, she put one on the wall and came down to ask for more blue tack as she had used it all on one, she was gone from her room a matter of minutes, next thing I know she is crying I go up and she says her other 2 certificates were missing. She had left them on her bed, with my oh's children in her room.
I asked the 2 others if they had seen them they said no. I hunted with my dd in her room for a good 10 mins and couldn't find them anywhere. Then we hunted downstairs obviously no where to be seen. My Oh was in the bath when this was all going on.
When he came out of the bath I informed him what had happened, my dd was still crying. He asked his kids if they had seen them they said no. So he then asks us all to leave my dd's room while he looked for them, he comes out a few mins later hasn't found them so he also searches around downstairs.
I then said well they can't have vanished come on we'll check her room again. Once again he insisted that he check her room on his own. This time he comes out after a few mins with them in hand. I asked him where he had found them and he said on the top near the dvd's well I know full well I looked there more than once. He said that I couldn't have looked hard enough. This annoyed me I know how to look for things and I know where I looked.
I then said but how did they move from the bed to there anyway my dd only left the room for 2 - 3 mins to run and ask me for blue tack, I asked if he thought his kids might have done it and he said I asked them and they said no.
There is no other way they could have moved from the bed on their own. And they were not where he said he found them as I looked there !
I was so mad my dd was sobbing so hard as she was so proud of them. I told him I thought his kids had hidden them and that it was prob a joke but they could see the state my dd was in and should have said immediately. But he said he believed them no matter what.
Well when I think of the times my dd has told my Oh or I something that didn't quite ring true, my Oh will always tell her he knows she's lying and will put her in her room or take privalages away and he does this a lot. But the thing is he dosn't know for sure. So how can he punish my dd for saying something that doesnt ring true, but just let his kids get away with it. My dd was adamant they had done it too. He just told us to drop it and stop making a problem where there wasn't one.
I'm worried about the messages we are sending to her.
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Comments
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I'm worried that you don't see it as your place to discipline his children when they are at your home, but you allow your OH to discipline your (ie not his?) DD. Or is she your OH's child as well as yours?
Its possible your OH was trying to calm the waters by insisting he find the certificates, and not go into a big drama about how they came to be lost in the first place. After all, no-one saw his kids do anything to them, so I can kind of understand why he didn't want to punish his kids for something one of them may have done.
He definitely shouldn't be punishing your DD in a similar situation though, thats really not fair and is exactly the same ie she says something, he doesn't know if she's lying, but assumes she is and punishes her anyway.0 -
You're upset that your OH treats your child different to his own. However, it sounds as though you treat them differently too - you discipline your own child, but not his. So, from your daughter's perspective, every adult around tells her when she's out of line, but nobody (including you) says anything to the other kids. That has to feel unfair!
You can't change the way your OH behaves. You can certainly influence it - and I think a serious chat about your parenting styles is on the cards - but the only person whose behaviour you can definitely change is your own. If you treat the children equally, and show OH by your behaviour what that means, then I think it'll be easier to persuade your OH that he should treat them equally too.0 -
You're upset that your OH treats your child different to his own. However, it sounds as though you treat them differently too - you discipline your own child, but not his. So, from your daughter's perspective, every adult around tells her when she's out of line, but nobody (including you) says anything to the other kids. That has to feel unfair!
You can't change the way your OH behaves. You can certainly influence it - and I think a serious chat about your parenting styles is on the cards - but the only person whose behaviour you can definitely change is your own. If you treat the children equally, and show OH by your behaviour what that means, then I think it'll be easier to persuade your OH that he should treat them equally too.
The reason I don't discipline them at all is because on other occasions when I have even made suggestions about his children his standard answer is I'm dad I'll deal with it
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balletshoes wrote: »I'm worried that you don't see it as your place to discipline his children when they are at your home, but you allow your OH to discipline your (ie not his?) DD. Or is she your OH's child as well as yours?
Its possible your OH was trying to calm the waters by insisting he find the certificates, and not go into a big drama about how they came to be lost in the first place. After all, no-one saw his kids do anything to them, so I can kind of understand why he didn't want to punish his kids for something one of them may have done.
He definitely shouldn't be punishing your DD in a similar situation though, thats really not fair and is exactly the same ie she says something, he doesn't know if she's lying, but assumes she is and punishes her anyway.
Tbh I think I am more annoyed by him not even acknowledging to me that they possibly could have moved them but even more so that he told me I could not have looked where he found them when I know full well I did. Why would he do this ?
if he was trying to calm the waters it didn't work because all this has done is made me question myself and made me even more angry because he was basically calling me a liar . I definately looked there.0 -
How old are the children? Yours and his? Is your DD his too, or just yours? If just yours, how did you decide to allow him to have equal rights over discipline? How long have you been together? How long have you been having his children to stay?
Lots of questions, sorry, but just a couple more..... Does your DD have friends over? If so, and there's disagreement or another child does something you disapprove of, do you speak up?
If you do not wish to treat your stepchildren as if your own, then you should treat them as you would a visiting child, and I'm certain that you wouldn't allow misbehaviour to go without mention. Rather than have a row about it with your OH, you don't need to accuse the SC, but you could say something like 'okay, jokes over, I'm going to the loo and when I come out I want to see the certificates (in this case) on the bed and no more will be said.'
This way you indicate your displeasure, DD feels supported, no one i being blamed, but you are ensuing everybody is aware that you're not stupid and you know someone's pulling a prank.
Your OH needs to be aware that if he treats his children differently, he is in danger not only of creating a barrier between himself and your DD, but he is also enabling his children to behave like brats and to get away with bullying, a situation which nobody would wish to escalate, but I fear it could if allowed to continue.
As another poster has said, you cannot change the behaviour of others, but you can yours. Frankly, if your DD says she doesn't want something, she should have some toast, as your OH obviously advocates this. Personally I'd probably do this anyway (I do), because I don't always fancy something even if it is something I like, but toast is a viable alternative, as it's filling but boring enough not to make it worth doing repeatedly.I ave a dodgy H, so sometimes I will sound dead common, on occasion dead stupid and rarely, pig ignorant. Sometimes I may be these things, but I will always blame it on my dodgy H.
Sorry, I'm a bit of a grumble weed today, no offence intended ... well it might be, but I'll be sorry.0 -
gravitytolls wrote: »How old are the children? Yours and his? Is your DD his too, or just yours? If just yours, how did you decide to allow him to have equal rights over discipline? How long have you been together? How long have you been having his children to stay?
Lots of questions, sorry, but just a couple more..... Does your DD have friends over? If so, and there's disagreement or another child does something you disapprove of, do you speak up?
If you do not wish to treat your stepchildren as if your own, then you should treat them as you would a visiting child, and I'm certain that you wouldn't allow misbehaviour to go without mention. Rather than have a row about it with your OH, you don't need to accuse the SC, but you could say something like 'okay, jokes over, I'm going to the loo and when I come out I want to see the certificates (in this case) on the bed and no more will be said.'
This way you indicate your displeasure, DD feels supported, no one i being blamed, but you are ensuing everybody is aware that you're not stupid and you know someone's pulling a prank.
Your OH needs to be aware that if he treats his children differently, he is in danger not only of creating a barrier between himself and your DD, but he is also enabling his children to behave like brats and to get away with bullying, a situation which nobody would wish to escalate, but I fear it could if allowed to continue.
As another poster has said, you cannot change the behaviour of others, but you can yours. Frankly, if your DD says she doesn't want something, she should have some toast, as your OH obviously advocates this. Personally I'd probably do this anyway (I do), because I don't always fancy something even if it is something I like, but toast is a viable alternative, as it's filling but boring enough not to make it worth doing repeatedly.
Ok kids are his 6 and 7 and mine 8. We have lived together 17 months but were together before this. kids have been staying over since he moved in.
Yes my dd does have friends over and yes if I see something happening I will usually try and sort things out, but thing is as I said its a bit different with his kids as I get the I am dad and will deal with it response.
We didn't agree to him discipling her it just sort of became the norm as we all live together.
I certainly didn't accuse anyone to their faces, just asked if they had been seen was told no so just set about looking for them.
I just said to OH somebody had moved them probably as a joke but it wasn't funny as dd was really upset.
I agree with the barrier and becoming brats part of your post, a few weeks ago dd said something to the 6 year old that he didn't like ( he had a girlfriend ) and he punched her in the face I made him say sorry, told OH and he laughed and said it served her right for ribbing him !
Oh believe me I am changing the rules and dd will be getting at least toast from now on if she dosn't fancy something
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I'll be honest, the issues with the kids are minor, this type of thing would happen and I probably wouldn't take much notice of it...
Then again I've been a parent a long time and I have four kids, it takes practice to pick your battles, after a while you get to know when to moan at the kids and when not to..
For example, if i'm stressed and intend to sit down with a cuppa, I won't lay the law down until later as if I did I would take my issues out on them and I would go over the top..
If my kids don't want to eat all their tea,, I ask them if they want a compromise, they say yes and whats remaining i'll split in half and they must eat that half..
I do allow them to negotiate if they want something, if my daughter wants to go somewhere and wants a lift, she has to help with chores and stuff first, if they want the internet they have to do other things first..
You are right not to be disciplining the kids, and I don't think you should have to tell hubby what the kids are doing wrong, hubby should already have it under control..
I'd try talking to hubby about how you feel in depth and go from there..I always take the moral high ground, it's lovely up here...0 -
Sorry Ellie, I have to disagree, it's not right that she's not disciplining the kids. They're a family, even of the SC are only there PT, and if they children want to feel like a family, they need to be treated thus. If the OP steps back and leaves discipline of the SC to the OH, but he also disciplines her DD, what message does that send out to any of the kids?
OP, I wasn't suggesting that you did accuse the kids, I was simply saying that you don't need to feel there's only two choices, accusation or ignoring.
Tis hard, step parenting, for SC too, live at home kids, but if the adults can't work out how to handle conflict, how can the kids be expected to?
His kids sound a bit jealous.I ave a dodgy H, so sometimes I will sound dead common, on occasion dead stupid and rarely, pig ignorant. Sometimes I may be these things, but I will always blame it on my dodgy H.
Sorry, I'm a bit of a grumble weed today, no offence intended ... well it might be, but I'll be sorry.0 -
gravitytolls wrote: »Sorry Ellie, I have to disagree, it's not right that she's not disciplining the kids. They're a family, even of the SC are only there PT, and if they children want to feel like a family, they need to be treated thus. If the OP steps back and leaves discipline of the SC to the OH, but he also disciplines her DD, what message does that send out to any of the kids?
OP, I wasn't suggesting that you did accuse the kids, I was simply saying that you don't need to feel there's only two choices, accusation or ignoring.
Tis hard, step parenting, for SC too, live at home kids, but if the adults can't work out how to handle conflict, how can the kids be expected to?
His kids sound a bit jealous.
I can't find thanks button at mo to thank you for taking time to reply.
Sorry my bad on the accusation point
You hit my point on the head my last line of my post was what messages are we sending my dd.
I've thought about the jealous thing before now as the 6 year old has accidently ! taken things home of dd's from here before now.
Also they have issues at home and basically they say their mum is awful but they see what a softie I am and have said on a couple of occasions they would like to live with us :eek: hahaha0 -
I wonder if some of the problem is that your daughter's an only child and the others are two? Maybe your OH is more used to little squabbles and has more practise at picking battles?
That's not a dig about only children or anything.Unless I say otherwise 'you' means the general you not you specifically.0
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