I need to change my life, but where do I start?

amalis

Hi all,
I am turning 31 this week and this made me reflect a lot about my life and my future. I feel that I need a change otherwise I'll drown, I feel like I am losing myself. I don't know where do I go, I am afraid to dream and to think about future. I know what I dont like now in me:
1) I have a good paid job, but it is not stable and very stressful. I have big mortgage, go out, regularly financially support my mum and in the end I feel that I don't have money for myself. I don't have an expensive bag or expensive shoes. I have no savings.
2) I gained a lot of weight and I am unhappy about my body despite everyone telling me that now this is supposed to be the best period of my womanhood.
3) my husband and I are planning to have children in 1.5-2 years time (my age!) and I feel trapped. I feel like I never lived and soon I have to give up too much to have a child.
3) I lost my hearing almost completely a few years ago. I still haven't made my peace with this fact. It is difficult to communicate with people having this problem and I prefer not to. So people stop communicating with me and I feel very isolated and lonely.
I don't know if anyone can give me some advice, I need to change something, but I dont know where to start!

erichamster

You should start by changing your life.

amalis

Erichamster, I understand that. But how?

ognum

I don't really think there is enough information here to help but I think the key thing is for you to sort out methods for improving communication with others and maybe helping others in the same situation as you.

have you got all the aids you need at home, loop system etc, I don't know them all but you could research. Have you a friendly GP who could point you in the right direction?

One of the most interesting things I have done is learn sign language maybe that would help you and you could help others.

You say that you have a big mortgage, in fact I am guessing this mortgage is your and your husbands. Is there a way you can cut down on your mortgage, move to a less prestigious property or extend your mortgage over a longer period so you don't have so much pressure.

Who's decision is it that you are having children and when, it sound like you do not have choice, take the decision into your hands.

I cannot comment on what you give your mother, that is your choice, but perhaps learning to say no, if that is what you want.

Hope this helps!

fannyanna

Well, I was going to take a very pragmatic view with responding to your post and then I got to point 3. Wow. What a massive change to your life. It’s not a surprise that you’ve struggled to come to terms with it. Have you considered counselling? Like you say I think you need to try and make peace with the situation (and I suspect boost your self esteem). Only then can you move onto looking at making practical changes in this aspect of your life to improve things.

Dealing with point 3 strikes me as your starting point.

erichamster

Well you definitely shouldn't have children if you don't really really want them, that's not fair on you, your husband, or them. So the first thing to do is talk to your husband, explain that you're not happy with your life as it is and be completely honest, you'll find any changes much easier with his support. Plus as he knows your situation more fully he may be in a much better place to suggest what to do.

The very ffirst thing is probably to change your attitude, what do you like about your life? What do you like about yourself? What do you like in general? What makes you happy? What steps would you need to take to do more of the things ththst make you happy/feel better about yourself in general?

gonzo127

just a couple of thoughts

1/
are you looking for a new job which is more stable and less stressful or do you actaully like that (some people do)?
do you need a house with a big mortgage? or would moving house take some stress from you by not having as big of a mortgage?

2/
are you unhappy because you have gained weight, or have you gained weight because you are unhappy? just a question to help you think about where you are with this
- sensible diet and some exercise would be a double wammy here, go mainstream with getting your diet back to a sensible track such as weightwatchers or slimming world as these tend to be the most sustainable (not as quick as some others but seem to have better long term results from my observations)

3/ to be honest you dont sound as if your ready for kids just yet, or at least it doesnt sound like its your current choice, talk to your OH, 33 is certainly not old for having kids so stop thinking that you are against the clock, my wife was 40 when we had a child

4/ unfortunatly i dont know how we can help you make peace with this, as i have no idea how i would respond in your position, all i would suggest is seek out help from your GP, see if they can direct you to support groups where there will be people who have been in your position and can understand your feelings and try to help you get to grips with it

amalis

Thanks to all for answering.
My mum really needs help, she will not survive without my financial support.
Yes, my hearing (and related self esteem) is a big problem. I am supposed to have hearing aids, but I don't wear them. I just can't. Due to the level of hearing loss I have to wear the huge ones, small discreet one would not help. But I am just 30 I cant be having that.! I haven't told anyone at work about it and I so suffer.
I am used to be a popular girl, but now I am someone who is not getting invited to any social occasions because I don't communicate with people. I am also missing on work gossips and what is going on around me.

Sambucus_Nigra

My first question would be - where do you want to be?

ognum

amalis wrote: »

Thanks to all for answering.
My mum really needs help, she will not survive without my financial support.
Yes, my hearing (and related self esteem) is a big problem. I am supposed to have hearing aids, but I don't wear them. I just can't. Due to the level of hearing loss I have to wear the huge ones, small discreet one would not help. But I am just 30 I cant be having that.! I haven't told anyone at work about it and I so suffer.
I am used to be a popular girl, but now I am someone who is not getting invited to any social occasions because I don't communicate with people. I am also missing on work gossips and what is going on around me.

You know I think you have answered your question of where to start, You start by admitting to yourself you have a problem with your hearing!
pretending you haven't is clearly not working so time to admit you have and get what ever aids are needed.
What do you think will happen if you finally admit to this, Iam pretty sure all your colleagues know and are to embarrassed to talk about it to you!

gonzo127

amalis wrote: »

Thanks to all for answering.
My mum really needs help, she will not survive without my financial support.
Yes, my hearing (and related self esteem) is a big problem. I am supposed to have hearing aids, but I don't wear them. I just can't. Due to the level of hearing loss I have to wear the huge ones, small discreet one would not help. But I am just 30 I cant be having that.! I haven't told anyone at work about it and I so suffer.
I am used to be a popular girl, but now I am someone who is not getting invited to any social occasions because I don't communicate with people. I am also missing on work gossips and what is going on around me.

can i ask why you cant be having it?

do you judge people on if they have big hearing aids?

how about a white cain because they are blind? do you judge them?

if not why do you think others will judge you on your hearing aids?