Relationship/sex advice

kaylee*

Any advice or opinions would be great.
We've been together 3 years. My fella is lovely and kind. Wouldn't hurt a fly. Hard worker and tolerant.
I'm not happy with our sex life and I wish he would do more things with me - he's a bit boring.
twice when i've asked him to come out with my friends, he has been ill and i have gone alone. it feels like he doesn't want to do what i want. i have gone with his friend and his wife, who i don't like (she insults me, but makes it seem to them like she hasn't, if you know what i mean - little digs) but i went because i love him.

I feel like i am growing as a person and getting more confident, but he doesn't want to do the same things as me. so i go alone!

the sex, and cuddles - well, that was ok at first, but never lots. I think i was happy to have a nice kind man.
but now, I do feel neglected, he doesn't touch me. it all came out last week and i told him that if he didn't fancy me, he should go, because i have been feeling like he doesn't like my body (i'm a big girl, but 2 stone less than when he first met me)
he says he does, but he doesn't have much confidence, or he's tired. But he's never touched me much, which is not normal, for most men well the ones i have been with in the past.

on a course a couple of months ago, a chap fancied me and asked me out, but i said no and that was that, but it got me thinking about how i want him to want me. i want a bit of passion!

i've suggested the usual, dressing up or watching a saucy film, but he is not interested

i do love him, and i know he loves me, but how can i make him more loving?

i understand why people get tempted to cheat. i feel neglected. i would ever cheat on him though.

and i'm 46 and he's 35. we don't have kids together.
i have teenagers
he doesn't have any, which was another problem that worried me, that he should be with someone younger, so he could have a family, but he insists he is happy with me and wants to get married next year

Tropez

You say you've suggested things but he is not interested but have you tried simply jumping his bones? Some men are sexually passive and respond better to a woman doing the touching and making advances.

It could also be that he's shy or feels awkward.

kaylee*

i've tried. he seems embarrassed. He says he's not had much experience before and he isn't very confident. we are going away in a couple of weeks, so i've told him we will have quality time then, to relax.
i shouldn't compare him to exes, but they couldn't wait to get into bed.
i've never said anything like that to him though. he is quite fragile, but i'm going to end up running off with a copy of 50 shades of grey and king sized rabbit one day!

Tropez

kaylee* wrote: »

i've tried. he seems embarrassed. He says he's not had much experience before and he isn't very confident. we are going away in a couple of weeks, so i've told him we will have quality time then, to relax.
i shouldn't compare him to exes, but they couldn't wait to get into bed.
i've never said anything like that to him though. he is quite fragile, but i'm going to end up running off with a copy of 50 shades of grey and king sized rabbit one day!

Ah, so he lacks confidence. If he's feeling like he isn't doing it right, or he isn't satisfying you then it might turn him off. He may have had a poor experience in the past, and perhaps an ex of his has said something, most likely just to hurt him, but if he's fragile he might have taken it to heart.

What I would suggest is not to force the issue but to ease into things. Be touchy feely with him but slowly and just build up and perhaps practice dirty talking, particularly the type of dirty talk that makes him feel like some sort of sex god. If his issues stem from confidence, without wanting to sound vulgar, knowing he makes you tingle and whatnot might just make him more interested.

C_Mababejive

Sounds like hes depressed to me...

candygirl

Is he going through the andropause?low libido, tired, night sweats etc?:(

Taadaa

The not wanting to go out with your friends - agreeing then making an excuse - definitely smacks of confidence issues.


Whatever you do, stick to your not mentioning anyone else. It will only make matters far worse.

jayII

Tropez wrote: »

Ah, so he lacks confidence. If he's feeling like he isn't doing it right, or he isn't satisfying you then it might turn him off. He may have had a poor experience in the past, and perhaps an ex of his has said something, most likely just to hurt him, but if he's fragile he might have taken it to heart.

What I would suggest is not to force the issue but to ease into things. Be touchy feely with him but slowly and just build up and perhaps practice dirty talking, particularly the type of dirty talk that makes him feel like some sort of sex god. If his issues stem from confidence, without wanting to sound vulgar, knowing he makes you tingle and whatnot might just make him more interested.

^^^

This, plus lots of reassurance about how much he excites you and how attractive you find him. Especially during and immediately after sex.

You say he doesn't touch and cuddle much, but how does he react when you touch and cuddle him? If he enjoys it then could you just keep at it yourself, so that lots of physical contact becomes a habit for both of you.

Of course, he may just have a very low sex drive, in which case you have some tough decisions to make.

Dunroamin

candygirl wrote: »

Is he going through the andropause?low libido, tired, night sweats etc?:(

He's a bit young for that - even if it actually exists.

System

Maybe he needs you to take the lead.

C_Mababejive

candygirl wrote: »

Is he going through the andropause?low libido, tired, night sweats etc?:(

The What...??

Maybe its a mixture of depression and other stuff brought about by a reassessment of his life in which he feels his individuality and freedom of choice has been somewhat suppressed by his current role? Why is it assumed that women organise stuff and their partners are supposed to nod and schlep along with them?