Help with lying SIL?

Th1984

Hi all,

Need some advice as I am ridiculously angry at my SIL's recent behaviour and even worse how easily the in laws and my wife let her get away with it or try to exscuse it.

2 weeks ago, while the in laws were on holiday I get a tearful call from SIL saying her boyfriend has dumped her and told her to get her stuff out (she is 20, NEET, not on benefits) so I being a nice guy drive over, pick her stuff up and say she can stay with me and my wife until in laws get back.

as she has literally no income I have put food on the table for her, run her about where needed and made sure she has been looked after, you do for family, however, it turns out pretty much every evening she has gone out with her 'friend' she has been lying. We have had no idea where she has been going, but yesterday after being out all night she went completely off the grid. we also worked out where she was getting money from to go out after looking in my wife's purse to take DS to a play farm.

we contacted in laws because were starting to get concerned nd they have come back early from holiday sick with worry. We are all meeting up this afternoon for a pre arranged lunch and I know it will pretty much just be dropped. No one will confront her about the unacceptable lying, stealing and general !!!!lessness because they 'have done it before and it doesn't end well'

Now I am getting frustrated and angry that my wife and I have been treated like doormats by my SIL so I packed all her stuff up from the spare room and took it to the in laws house and dumped it there but that seems it will be the end of it, if I try to confront her I will be seen as the out of order one!!!!

Thanks for reading if you have made it this far, hope I have explained my situation but I could use some advice of how to a) get through to her that she needs to sort her f@&king life out and b) that her recent behaviour is unacceptable, in my house we do not lie or steal. Without alienating my wife and in laws.....

gingin_2

Why not go to the police? She's stolen money from you. If a 20 year old thinks that's acceptable then she needs a wake up call for her sake.

A word with a police community support officer could be a start.

Pollycat

What does your wife think?

If she has the same opinion of her sister that you have, you can stand together and deal with her.
If she thinks what her sister has done isn't that bad (I agree with you,btw), then you're possibly going to struggle with what happens next.

is your wife OK that you've dumped her sister's belongings with her family?

Does she know that her sister has been stealing money from her purse?

If her family (and that may or may not include your wife) seem content to let her do as she pleases, you're not likely to "get through to her that she needs to sort her f@&king life out".
What incentive does she have to do that? That's right - absolutely none!

As far as your house goes, you can set any rules you like.
But you may have a rocky road ahead if your wife is happy to indulge her sister in this behaviour.

So it all comes down to this:
What does your wife think?

VfM4meplse

I can understand why you are angry but I think you have gone the wrong way about dealing with the situation. Your SIL's behaviour is wrong, but in context she hasn't fleeced you out of thousands.

Your SIL has the mentality of a child and has abused your hospitality by stealing from you. However making your in laws sick with worry, and having them cut their holiday short was not the way to finding a solution. Instead you should have made it plain that her behaviour has been a slap in the face given that you have shown her nothng but kindness, invited your SIL to leave your home, and spend a few days with the friends she has beeen partying with, until she could sort herself out.

When you meet your in-laws make it clear that your SIL's not welcome at your home until she apologises and pays the money back (this will be harder for her than you might imagine). Other than that she is not your problem.

I also think that "putting food on the table" for a guest or a few days is no big deal and even mentioning it shows an intrinsic meanness. You say that "you do for your family" - well if it was a genuine gesture you would not feel the need to show us how "generous" you are. You're not.

ETA: I've just seen your signature - can see you're in debt yourself so the money would hurt you.

Th1984

Thanks for the replies,

Guess I am just angry at the way my hospitality was abused. I am trying to provide for my wife and child in the best way I can on my own income. we get no help from any source so if I seem a little bitter about spending an extra £40 on food for the time she stayed with us (because she won't eat what we eat) then I apologise but every spare penny we have is going to paying back our debts for the next few years.

My wife is pregnant at the moment so what she thinks on the situation really does depend on where her hormones are at any given time. I had her full support in removing the SILs stuff to the inlaws as my wife is angry that the cash was stolen (she was the one who worked it out) we are standing jointly on the fact we don't trust her to be alone in the house but don't feel that someone can be completely written off.

As for the police and asking her to pay it back, all the proof is completely circumstantial, I'm not sure I can prove it. There was £50 in my wife's purse, I didn't take it, my wife didn't and the my unemployed SIL gets into a taxi and goes off for a night out when she declares she was picked up by her mate (who is a horse groom not a taxi driver)

I honestly just want her to make decisions like a normal, functioning member of society instead she just moves to the next free ride until she is kicked out...

ETA: We called the in laws because we were truely concerned as the friend we believed she was with had called us saying she hadn't heard from her in 24 hours....

tea_lover

I can totally understand why you're angry about the stealing, that is completely out of order. But I think I may have missed something about her going out. She stayed with you but went out every night, and you didn't know where... was that right? If so, I don't really see a problem with that. She's 20 years old, she doesn't need to tell you where she is.

Sorry if I've totally misread that though.

Th1984

I agree completely, she doesn't need to tell us, but instead of just saying she was off out she made a conscious decision to lie about where she was going.

I don't care what she does as long as she is safe but she felt she wanted to lie rather than say nothing????

Just shows a complete lack of respect IMO

VfM4meplse

Thanks for clarifying OP. What you've lost is just £100, the relationship with your SIL and her parents is the bigger deal.

paddy's_mum

Th1984 wrote: »

Without alienating my wife and in laws.....

I am ridiculously angry at my SIL

It seems to me that your precipitate action has already done all the alienating anyone could wish for! Did you even ask your wife if she minded you slinging her sister out with (it would appear) little or no warning? Do you think your wife and in-laws will find your actions incredibly high-handed and holy joe?

I understand entirely that your sister in law has been selfish, dishonest and stupid but I suspect that gathering her things together and dumping them on the parents doorstep will be seen as unkind, inflammatory and dictatorial. Is your wife quietly wondering what your reaction would be if she were to transgress in some way?

Who was it said 'speak in anger and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret'?

Th1984

And that to be honest it what I am struggling with? How to best approach it with them this afternoon? We will all be in one room, i want to keep it calm but I do feel everyone needs to get things off their chest otherwise a future relationship may be compromised by it

VfM4meplse

Th1984 wrote: »

And that to be honest it what I am struggling with? How to best approach it with them this afternoon? We will all be in one room, i want to keep it calm but I do feel everyone needs to get things off their chest otherwise a future relationship may be compromised by it

You're a grown man with your own responsibilities. Make it clear that she's not your problem and no longer welcome, and it would be sad if your kids grew up distant from their aunt - but that's the consequence of her action. Other than that, leave it to her parents to sort out: knowing your financial situaiton, they may just give you something to cover your losses.