Help with lying SIL?

paddy's_mum

How about doing the unthinkable-for-a-bloke-thing and just straight out apologising for going off on one! There is no loss of face to explain that you were simmering with anger at her dishonesty but looking back, you can see that you acted first and thought things through later.

By saying so (and if it is the truth) you present an entirely reasonable picture of what your feelings were at the time, giving your in laws a chance to understand and reappraise.

We've all acted in haste and repented at leisure ... good luck.

fedupnow

Th1984 wrote: »

And that to be honest it what I am struggling with? How to best approach it with them this afternoon? We will all be in one room, i want to keep it calm but I do feel everyone needs to get things off their chest otherwise a future relationship may be compromised by it

Say that. And then get it off your chest as calmly as you can.

Honesty and clarity is always the best policy.

Try and stay quiet while everybody else has their say too. Including your wife and sil. Good luck.

Th1984

Seriously thanks for all the replies.

It is always worthwhile getting a different (or a few different) perspective/s.

I have a good idea of how I am going to approach it, if anyone is interested I will post later about how it went.

gingin_2

I am sure you will handle it appropriately. You come across as a very reasonable and measured person.

sulkisu

VfM4meplse wrote: »

You're a grown man with your own responsibilities. Make it clear that she's not your problem and no longer welcome, and it would be sad if your kids grew up distant from their aunt - but that's the consequence of her action. Other than that, leave it to her parents to sort out: knowing your financial situaiton, they may just give you something to cover your losses.

I totally agree with this. I don't think that you have any reason to apologise and TBH, I wouldn't be going to the family meeting either. She is an adult. She is back home with her parents after taking the !!!! out of you and your wife. If for example, she was 16 years old and you had dumped her belongings out on the street, then yes I would say that you had gone too far. If her family want to fanny around sorting her life out for her, leave them to it.

HeatherintheHills

VfM4meplse wrote: »

You're a grown man with your own responsibilities. Make it clear that she's not your problem and no longer welcome,

^^^ This

You cannot make her grow up and she isn't your responsibility.

You offered her help and she abused your trust. Her parents know her better than you, they chose to come home early, that is down to her and them. It is perfectly in order for you to say you won't be helping her out in future.

I would also be very concerned if someone who apparently had no money said she was staying with a friend and I then found out that it wasn't the case. I'd be worried she had met with an accident. Sadly, people do get killed/hurt unexpectedly every day. What a stupid thing to put her pregnant sister through when there was no need for it!

But please get it out of your head that you have to "do" something about her. You cannot, so don't even go there. Concentrate on keeping the stress levels down for your wife and unborn child, they are your priority.

I hope the girl at least has the sense to at least apologise to you and her sister.

melancholly

If she's been like this a while and her parents haven't called her on it before, prepare for this to continue. Families are funny things and often behaviour that to the outside is just plain ridiculous is tolerated. I think you've done the right thing by removing yourself from the situation - you are not responsible for her. As long as you set clear rules that she won't be coming back to stay with you again, that's all you can do...... It sounds like a nightmare and she sounds incredibly selfish. As this is your OH's family, you have to let them deal with it in their way..... So difficult to do when you've been dragged into the middle of it like this.

Acc72

Th1984 wrote: »

I honestly just want her to make decisions like a normal, functioning member of society instead she just moves to the next free ride until she is kicked out...

Why? - she is an adult and this is none of your business.

You need to take a back seat in this situation otherwise you risk alienating your wife from her family or putting her in a position where she feels she needs to choose between you and her parents/sister which is unfair at the best of times and particularly whilst she is pregnant.

heartbreak_star

I saw somewhere that the financial loss was "just £100". That's a lot of money for a family, especially when you're trying to pay off debts. The financial loss should not be trivialised.

HBS x

sassyblue

Th1984 wrote: »

I honestly just want her to make decisions like a normal, functioning member of society instead she just moves to the next free ride until she is kicked out...

Not your problem OP, it really isn't. What you're trying to do is make things better for everyone but YOU can't do that, SHE must. She's 20 so hopefully she'll grow up soon - probably not likely what with her controlling the situation as in her parents not saying anything because things don't 'end well' - !!!!!!!

Hope it all goes well, if it were me she'd be watched like a hawk in my home, you and your wife seem to agree on the situation that's one good thing.