I'm a sucker :(

Pee

I don't know the history of how long you have been together, but it sounds to me as though you have moved in together quite quickly and not as a sign of life long commitment. Effectively, you don't feel like one half of a couple that needs to support the other half and would expect help from them but someone who is still looking for that commitment, hopefully with this man, at some later stage in the relationship.

Maybe reading your other post would be helpful. (For me.)

But if that is the case and it's still early days and you are not ready for the commitment that is supporting someone else financially, I don't see any problem with having this discussion and maybe sooner rather than later when you may be at the end of your tether and fail to express yourself properly.

If the only problem in the relationship is his inability to support himself, whilst I appreciate this is a big problem, I would probably not be so keen to push him away IF as you say he is working hard on his OU course and is trying to find work.

When I first started work, I was unemployed for just over three months, which felt a lot longer, and it felt like it was never going to happen because I had no experience or was deemed over qualified. It was really depressing.

At the end of the day though, you are entitled to ask for whatever you want.

Pee

My post crossed with some more of yours.

Not being interested in food or bedroom activities are both classic signs of depression. Was he interested in what you had for dinner before? (My OH is never terribly interested in food, but eats it and always says how nice it is. He's been well trained.)

Relate counselling isn't a great idea when you are already worrying about money. It might be worth contacting them but I felt they were expensive and if that is already a major issue...

Pee

In fact in your other post you are talking about joint savings and whether that would be a good idea.

It sounds to me like you are commited to this man but that you are fed up with not having enough money. Have you tried a SOA on the debt free wanabee board? People on there can be very helpful with where you can save.

I think that talking is the only real way forward.

Froom2

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3942025

Is the original thread I posted, if you really want to look at it.


Thank you for all your replies, btw guys. Might sound weird, but it's really helpful to get more objective views on things, especially when one's head is feeling a bit cloudy like mine.

Food... well he likes food but I'm not sure he revels in it the way I do

He's training (weights) at the moment, and I think that's helped his self esteem a lot (and he looks great!), and he has recently moved from cigarettes to e-cigarettes, and is now getting to a frame of mind where he says he's nearly ready to quit completely (which I am awesomely proud of him for!)

So there are definitely positive things going on.

I'm starting to think that this might be more of a problem with me rather than him. I'm on a wiating list for counselling re my stress-related depression atm as it is. So it is entirely plausible that at least part of the 'problem' lies there.

Froom2

Pee, I think you're probably right. I really am fed up of not having enough money. Thing is, We have already cut out all the non-essentials. The only thing left is food really (like downgrading the brand etc), and OH doesn't seem to really be on the same page as me with that quite yet. The differences when he or I go shopping are noticeable. I'm trying to teach him slowly.

londonsurrey

Froom2 wrote: »

Okay I'll be quite honest. No. Because I don't feel like I'm getting anything back for what I put in. If he was showing me affection and love regularly then that would be different. There, I've been very honest there
Am I asking too much? Am I being too selfish?

If you are not happy with the same scenario playing out for the next 60 years, then the choice is yours to reject him.

Personally, I don't think you're asking for too much.
BUT I've made the decision that I'd rather be alone than put up with this kind of juvenile "half hearted love" behaviour from a man. (paradoxically, having made that decision, I've now found a grown up male who gets his own Mother's/Father's Day cards and everything. Lol. You know what I mean)

I don't think you're being too selfish. The fact that you're even asking that makes me suspect that you're still subscribing to a vaguely people pleasing view of things - take that up with your counsellor.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO JUST SAY - THIS ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. Why should you put up with "he's just about good enough, maybe"? It's not good for you, it's not good for him, it will be just shortchanging both of you to spend 60 years "making do" with each other.

Pee

Froom2 wrote: »

Pee, I think you're probably right. I really am fed up of not having enough money. Thing is, We have already cut out all the non-essentials. The only thing left is food really (like downgrading the brand etc), and OH doesn't seem to really be on the same page as me with that quite yet. The differences when he or I go shopping are noticeable. I'm trying to teach him slowly.

In my experience, that takes years!

I wonder if you could talk to him but not too much until you have some counselling... just because in lots of ways it sounds like he is a great chap and that you do really love him.

For both of you dealing with the other person's depression must be hard. (Although i do think that the hard times show us how much we really care about one another, especially once they have passed.)

Froom2

Aah you two have hit the two sides of what my brain is debating on the head. One side says it's not good enough, and the other loves him dearly and we both struggling at the moment and it could make us stronger to get through this situation.

:S

Whichever one I think about makes sense, and I can't figure it out.

Lotus-eater

Froom2 wrote: »

So there are definitely positive things going on.

I'm starting to think that this might be more of a problem with me rather than him. I'm on a wiating list for counselling re my stress-related depression atm as it is. So it is entirely plausible that at least part of the 'problem' lies there.

Obviously there are positive things going on, but seemingly negative things as well.
In some ways, well this sounds like a normal relationship, not many are perfect.
But if something is really important to you, then it's important and you should discuss that.

But it does sound like you are getting a little mixed up with what are the real problems.

I think you should sit down and write a list of the positives and negatives of the relationship. Think about it for a bit and make sure you are thinking straight, then show it to him and just talk.

Having no money is hard and can make you bitter and unhappy about other things that normally wouldn't worry you.

londonsurrey

Froom2 wrote: »

Aah you two have hit the two sides of what my brain is debating on the head. One side says it's not good enough, and the other loves him dearly and we both struggling at the moment and it could make us stronger to get through this situation.

:S

Whichever one I think about makes sense, and I can't figure it out.

Well, let's look at it pragmatically.

You can't change him.
You can change you.
On the plus side, the stronger you are, the better the chance you have of having a good relationship, be it with him, someone else, just yourself, whatever you like.

So, you take responsibility for yourself. You make the decisions for you, and let him get on with his bit.

It's actually cruel in the longer term to let him carry on staying with you, knowing that the odds are very likely that he'll not do most the things you want, and then resenting him for not doing most of the things you want. It's actually YOU setting him up for failure in that case.