I'm a sucker :(

Froom2

Hi guys,

So having made a really optimistic post about how my OH got a job finally.. well what a surprise, it fell through.

Please do not post saying omg get rid of him, omg what a waster. Please. I would like to ask just for you guys' thoughts on what I am planning to say to him, before I rush in and ruin his mind or something.

Firstly, he's having problems sleeping (I suspect stress/depression) and he is seeing a GP tomorrow about this.

Now, I'll probably wait and see what is said tomorrow. But...

I'm going to tell him that I'm really not happy with the situation, and suggest that he go back to stay with his mother, and come visit me whenever he can. That way maybe he'll find work through friends or something, and hopefully he'd be able to keep his van (which I have very clearly told him I am not paying for anymore).
I'm planning to explain to him that I really don't want to end up as a nagging-mother type to him, because I think that would be really bad for our relationship. I'll try and frame it in the sense of it being kind of taking our relationship back to basics and building it up again, and giving him less of me stressing, because me stressing on top of him stressing can't be helping things.

I think that taking this approach could be good for both of us - it gives us both time to relax from each other a bit and build up the romance again a bit, and lets him get away from my stressing too.

What do you guys think?
He is still studying, and doing very well. it's open university, so he can carry on with that from wherever. I don't want to keep nagging at him, because I know he wants to work. I genuinely do. He's just in a bad spot at the moment. But I don't know if telling this to him will make that worse, or if I should just suck it up and look after myself too. Is this the right thing to do? I don't want to ruin our relationship because I really love him.

And if I do this, how can I talk to him about it without it seeming like I'm breaking up? I just think we'd benefit from a few weeks or more of our own space I don't know.

Thank you all

~Froom~

londonsurrey

I've learnt the hard way that coddling a taker doesn't work.

You don't have to be actively nasty. You just have to firmly establish lines of responsibility.

So it's your place, you pay for it, you don't want to subsidise him. Say that.

You want to continue seeing him. Say that.

His money is his, whether he chooses to use it to run a van or upgrade the digs he rents or adopt a panda or blow it on a holiday to Bermuda is up to him. Whether he chooses to move to his mother's place or bunk in a mate's sofa or move into a squat is his choice.

Just be upfront, and you don't have to "arrange" what he's doing next, he's a grown man capable of doing that, and it sounds like the sooner he wraps his head round that, the sooner he'll start on the road to seizing his own destiny.

Mara69

Coupling possible stress and depression with the crushing disappointment of a job falling through then add on to that you wanting a 'break'. However you phrase it, it is going to cause hurt and upset.

I suppose it depends on how you feel about him and how far advanced your relationship is, but it seems a bit, well mean, to abandon him now. My husband (of 20 years) has had quite a chequered work history and periods of depression. I stuck with him because I love him - through thick and thin. The decisions you make in your relationship are yours alone to make.

One thing is for certain though, only you can know how he will react and you will have to deal with his reaction.

mcmanlyn

It sounds like a sensible idea to me, I can imagine that he will be a bit upset by this (I think anyone would - and that's normal) but if you reassure him that you do still want to be together, you just don't want to ruin your relationship with this stressy patch. Maybe make plans or a schedule of how & when you're gonna see each other when you don't live together to prove your dedication.

Me & my bf were planning to move in once he got a job...this has taken A LOT longer than we thought He wanted to move in & carry on looking for a job where I live, but I had to say no. I knew that I'd end up resenting him running up bigger bills for the electric, water, food etc all day while I was at work & him not being able to contribute. Yes I'd love him to be here with me, but I know it makes sense to wait, and luckily he understands that.

I don't really know your histories, but I'm sure if you explain it properly he'll understand. Maybe it would sound better coming off the back of the Doctors appointment - a change of scenery, less stress etc doing him good.

Lotus-eater

I seem to be a little confused.
He's doing an OU course and doing OK.
He wants to work.
He tries to get jobs, but when they fall through he's getting depressed.

It sounds to me like you need to be supporting him, not blaming him.

Unless there is some background here I don't understand.

Froom2

Mara69 wrote: »

Coupling possible stress and depression with the crushing disappointment of a job falling through then add on to that you wanting a 'break'. However you phrase it, it is going to cause hurt and upset.

Yeah, this is why I hesitate

I really love him, but I'm finding it incredibly hard getting through each week. On some days I feel like I just need to curl up in my duvet and pretend that everything is fine. I know it can't be any easier for him.

I might be reacting badly to finding that having just gotten a promotion, my income isn't actually going to really change - if anything it'll go down because we'll lose some of the working tax credit and on top of that we went shopping on Sunday and everything seemed to have gone up in price.

But on top of that, I feel like he is seeing me as less of a girlfriend and more of a pain in the !!!! But I only try to help him, and yes, I ask him to do things, and yes I get annoyed when he doesn't do them... is that unfair? I wish he'd try harder to please me Is that unfair? I don't know anymore I feel like it's always me being the understanding one.

And he has no money of his own. Nothing. At all. All he has comes from me, which can't be nice for him either.

whitewing

I have not read any other posts other than on this thread.

What OU course is he doing? My husband has done some degree level courses with them and they require a lot of focus and ongoing commitment. So I think if your OH is doing well in them, then he is actually showing a commitment to the future of your relationship from that, that you may not be appreciating.

Froom2

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I seem to be a little confused.
He's doing an OU course and doing OK.
He wants to work.
He tries to get jobs, but when they fall through he's getting depressed.

It sounds to me like you need to be supporting him, not blaming him.

Unless there is some background here I don't understand.

Well it's been since October... But maybe you're right.

He's doing computer programming. He really enjoys it.

I don't know, I'm just worried because for example bedroom action is.... very rare these days.. partly because he doesn't come to bed until 4am some nights, and I'm really terrified of him not wanting me/resenting me because he sees me as a nagging person. But when I ask him what he thinks about things... even what he fancies for dinner, he just says whatever you want... there's never any actual input from him. It's like he's just not caring at all.

On the other hand, I know what it's like when you feel depressed (I'm on anti-depressants, was in tears almost every day at one point) and maybe this is just his way of dealing with it.

But what do I do to support him without ending up as mothering him?

I come home and he's on the computer, we're friendly, but he feels pretty distant, and I don't know how to talk to him some days. If we have a disagreement, I'm always always the one to apologise and maybe sometimes it'd be nice for him to take that part but I can't make that happen can I Laaa. I'm rambling now.

I guess I'm struggling with the money stress too, and with the both of us it's just getting harder and harder to know how to deal with it.

This isn't to say we don't have good days. We have lovely days sometimes And I try and remember those when things aren't so great.

Tiddlywinks

OK, I'm confused as well...

Here's your previous thread:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/53969355#Comment_53969355

You were happy that OH had got a job and were busy planning how to spend the extra money - no mention of relationship problems at all.

Now, your OH's job offer falls through and suddenly you don't want to be with him anymore?

What's changed? Jobs are hard to come by - in some places and for some jobs there can be over 100 applicants for one post.

You need to work out what the real issue is... do you think he's not trying hard enough? How will kicking him out make it any easier for him (you made it sound as if it was doing him a favour to send him home to mum).

Feelings change, if that's the case then be honest with him - just don't blame the lack of a job; he's got enough to worry about just living his life feeling depressed and 'losing' the promised job.

Edited to add: OP, our posts crossed - you both need to talk... old fashoned but true. If you love him then talk about how you feel; he might be feeling lost and worried about things as well.

londonsurrey

Froom2 wrote: »

Yeah, this is why I hesitate

I really love him, but I'm finding it incredibly hard getting through each week. On some days I feel like I just need to curl up in my duvet and pretend that everything is fine. I know it can't be any easier for him.

I might be reacting badly to finding that having just gotten a promotion, my income isn't actually going to really change - if anything it'll go down because we'll lose some of the working tax credit and on top of that we went shopping on Sunday and everything seemed to have gone up in price.

But on top of that, I feel like he is seeing me as less of a girlfriend and more of a pain in the !!!! But I only try to help him, and yes, I ask him to do things, and yes I get annoyed when he doesn't do them... is that unfair? I wish he'd try harder to please me Is that unfair? I don't know anymore I feel like it's always me being the understanding one.

And he has no money of his own. Nothing. At all. All he has comes from me, which can't be nice for him either.

You're doing things, and expecting certain things from him, which you consider normal.

The bottom line is that whether it's fair or not, he's not doing those certain things. You could have another 60 years of him not doing those things, because for whatever reason (it's the depression, he can't see why, he just doesn't want to, whatever other reason), it's just not being done.

So while you're busily arranging things to happen, planning a brighter sparkly efficient future, you're dependent on him as a major cog for these things to happen. Ask yourself, if these things never happen, will you reach the end of 60 years, still waiting, disappointed and surprised, or are you happy to be with him, and reach your 60th anniversary together not minding that these things were never done?

Froom2

londonsurrey wrote: »

So while you're busily arranging things to happen, planning a brighter sparkly efficient future, you're dependent on him as a major cog for these things to happen. Ask yourself, if these things never happen, will you reach the end of 60 years, still waiting, disappointed and surprised, or are you happy to be with him, and reach your 60th anniversary together not minding that these things were never done?

Okay I'll be quite honest. No. Because I don't feel like I'm getting anything back for what I put in. If he was showing me affection and love regularly then that would be different. There, I've been very honest there
Am I asking too much? Am I being too selfish?

You need to work out what the real issue is... do you think he's not trying hard enough? How will kicking him out make it any easier for him (you made it sound as if it was doing him a favour to send him home to mum).

I know I think I was trying to frame it in a positive way. I'm tired. I want to not constantly feel like I need to be chasing things up. I'd like the last nine months to have meant something, instead of feeling like we haven't gotten anywhere.
No I don't feel like he's trying hard enough, but then I don't know what he's doing - and he is very very chilled out, and bottles things up ALL the time. So it could also be that he is doing everything he possibly can and I just don't know about it.


I'm tired and stressed and I feel like my mind is about to shut down Maybe I'm being selfish and trying to take what looks like an easy way out