Help with relationship and money

January20

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I almost don't believe you, the way you have spoken is not the way a father normally would think about giving up a child.

You care about your life and your sons life, which is commendable, but you say little about your OH's life.

It's almost as if you are already separate, you seem to care little about her.

You care about your reputation and your ability to carry on your work, you care about seeing both kids, but you don't seem bothered about your relationship beyond the money side.

Where is your love for her, where is the passion?

I only say this to maybe make you realise where you are.

This is a very interesting point you make. I agree with you to a certain extent but I thought I got that feeling because the OP is a man, and in emotional situations like this, men write so differently to women!

Another point would be that the OP's feelings for his partner are not coming through because of his anger and fear for his/ their financial future.

It could also be - and I can relate to this because I react like that myself at times - that the OP has realised there is nothing he can do to change his OH's attitude towards money. She lies, hides letters, causes him great concern, etc. He is powerless to do anything and the only action he can take is get rid of the problem ie split up with her. If she's gone, he doesn't have to worry about this issue that he can do nothing about. Can't really blame him.

OP, have you got any joint financial products with your OH: mortgages, joint accounts etc because if you have you will be financially associated with her and your credit record will be as shot as hers.

I second the opinion that you need to take control of all the bills. Put everything that could affect you, especially council tax, in your name and/ or to come out of your account so you know it's being paid.

You can't do anything about her having her light bulb moment though.

Tupperware_Queen

As has been mentioned already, I think the best thing you can do is to take control of the bills - whether she likes it or not. I had to this with my (now ex) OH, as he was just incapable of not robbing Peter to pay Paul (and on the way spending it on something else entirely so neither Peter or Paul got paid!)

You can only protect yourself, your home and your children (and partner) by taking control. She needs to come to the conclusions herself about how well or not she is managing her finances. When she gets to her lightbulbmoment, you need to be strong and support her - but she needs to reach this point before you will make any real headway. In the meantime you'll have to do your best to protect the family and home.

Good luck

January20

grylls12 wrote: »

I found another letter (that she hid) that was from the council saying that she hasn't been paying the council tax on our house. This made me angry as it directly affected me so I confronted her about it and she said it had been sorted etc etc and was saying that this is my excuse to leave her.
Thanks

I wonder if her previous relationship broke up because of money and that's why she uses this excuse?

Sambucus_Nigra

grylls12 wrote: »

I am going to let her make the phone call Monday if it has been sorted and was an admin error then I will change the bill to come out of my account and try to move on.

Yeah right - Admin error. That always happens.



Esp to people with money 'issues'.

JoW123

grylls12 wrote: »

Thank you for the replies.

I have tried to put the bill in my name and she told me 'It's sorted' All other bills come out of my account and she gives me some money towards them.

My main concern is for me to not be dragged down by my partner not paying the bills. Also if we do spilt not seeing my son and my partners child (I treat her as mine) as much as I do would not be nice.

I am going to let her make the phone call Monday if it has been sorted and was an admin error then I will change the bill to come out of my account and try to move on. If not then I will sit down with her on Monday and explain the situation, if she doesn't listen or tries to turn it against me then I think I will have to explain that I can't carry on the way we are.

She is paying some of her debts back at £300 a month, I know she has more, but at least its a start. The main problem is its my life and my sons life that I don't want to be ruined

It's not an admin error honestly. I lost count of the number of admin errors, banks not paying in time, credit card companies making payments to the wrong people, cards being cloned etc etc that my ex told me kept happening to him. It was all lies. I tried everything. Helping him pay them off, joint account so the bills got paid etc etc. He just got more secretive and ran up more. He was and still is a gambling addict.

I'm sorry but this does not look good. You have a hard struggle ahead to make any headway. It all boils down to whether you love her enough to try, and only you can answer that.

Lotus-eater

January20 wrote: »

This is a very interesting point you make. I agree with you to a certain extent but I thought I got that feeling because the OP is a man, and in emotional situations like this, men write so differently to women!

Well I am a man and that's how I read it

January20

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Well I am a man and that's how I read it

Oh yes I know you're a man. That's why I thought it was interesting

marisco_2

I would recommend setting every bill up on direct debit. I have a seperate account solely to pay bills out of. No cards are linked to it so I cant dib into money that is not for general spends.

Not only are these expenses covered every month but I also put a certain amount in to cover things like car tax which I pay for annually and a reserve amount to use if my car doesn't breeze through the MOT. If you did something like this in your name you would know that everything was sorted and your partner could give you half towards it all.

Do you know exactly how much debt your partner has? If she keeps from you things like court appearances re unpaid council tax, are you sure she has been totally upfront over the extent of her debt?

pogofish

M00se wrote: »

Ive been in your situation, in fact 18 years of it and tbh there was nothing I could do to get my now ex partner to face up to the truth. Endless bills not being paid, ccj`s, mortgage arrears etc, all answered with "its been dealt with" when in fact it wasnt and never was.
My advice would be to try and protect yourself financially as much as possible, if you do not actually pay that bill yourself from your own account do not let it be put in your name.
I see you have tried to do the "i`ll pay the bills" chat and got it thrown back at you, if she wont listen to reason (and my ex wouldnt) then in my experience there is naff all you can do to change that and if you plan on staying then you better be prepared for the financial wheels to come off the bus...

Sorry if I come across a bit harsh, just how I see it

This is about what I would say as well - It may be harsh but having been through that once, this is just how it pans out.

Even if you do get her to own-up to debt and manage to straighten-out her financial arrangements and get some stability, you will then have to struggle to keep it that way.

You will be the "hard taskmaster" for seeing she sticks to it - for god's sake do not get this mess into an joint account, even if you do contribute anything to help her out.

Then once things are running smoothly, you are liable to find her new-found stability means she will enter into a whole new range of agreements, which will wipe-it out and throw you back into financial chaos all over again - Causing you untold strain on your relationship.

I ended-up in this position with an ex and even though she ran for the hills with her own mass of debts, I was the one left struggling to keep the roof over my head and eventually ended-up living on next to nothing for seven years whilst I paid through the nose for a bank loan to cover taking-on her remaining share of the mortgage.

The only way I managed that was because I had not put my arrangements in line with hers and I had retained my excellent credit status despite being extended to the absolute limit.

GobbledyGook

If the money isn't going on the council tax or bill then do you know where it is going?

It is a case of being rubbish with money and not really being bothered about the consequences or does she have another issue with money? Gambling or another addiction that costs a lot?

If it's just being rubbish with money then I'd present the option of all money coming into one account, bills coming out of that and both of you having a sum of "spends" transferred into another account. If that wasn't an option my partner was willing to accept in this case then I'd walk I'm afraid. I wouldn't and couldn't live wondering every day forever more if bailiffs or court letters were going to arrive for another hidden unpaid bill.