Help with relationship and money

grylls12

I have been with my current partner for 3 half years and I love her a lot. I could easily see myself marrying her and living the rest of our lives together. We have a 20 month old son who we both love so much, and she also has a child from a previous relationship who is amazing.

The problem is my partner has racked up a lot of debt over the years and everytime I question her on the subject she denies it. I have even presented her with statements that say she owes money and she always says she has paid it or worked out a payment plan etc etc and I accepted that to start with but its now to frequent. I have even offered to help her pay some of it so she can move on and she still denies it. I said to her that as long as it doesn't affect me or my son then I won't bother her about it anymore.

I found another letter (that she hid) that was from the council saying that she hasn't been paying the council tax on our house. This made me angry as it directly affected me so I confronted her about it and she said it had been sorted etc etc and was saying that this is my excuse to leave her. My aim is not to leave her I just don't want my name and reputation to be tarnished as I need a clean crime record for my job.

So today (Saturday) I was cleaning out the car and I found 2 letters that she hid that was a for me and her to appear in counrt due to unpaid council tax bills. I was fuming and showed her the letters and she said the usual its sorted etc etc. I said I will ring themm Monday and ask them myslef. She said she will ring them MInday, put phone on loud speaker so I could hear, and get them to explain the situation.

It is getting to the point where I am thinking of leaving her so she can maybe understand that she can't do this. I don't want to as we all live together and I love seeing my son everyday and her other child. I was also given her money towards my council tax but we thought it would be easier to make it come out of one account so we choose hers. I have discussed about letting it come out of mine but she then tries to turn the tables and says that it's my fault etc etc.

Any help would be fantastic as I am struggling. I love her and my family and don't want it to end. But, she is dragging me down and I don't want to be tarnished with unpaid bills etc etc when its not my fault.

Thanks

Lotus-eater

Insist that all bills come out of your account and go from there. I can't see why you haven't done that anyway.

It seems obvious that she can't be trusted with money, but she hasn't had her lightbulb moment yet, which may not come.

You really need to sort out her finances properly, which doesn't sound like it's going to happen. But you should try and get there,

Ultimately, unless she sorts herself out in some way, it will end in disaster. You need to try and stop that happening.

M00se_2

Ive been in your situation, in fact 18 years of it and tbh there was nothing I could do to get my now ex partner to face up to the truth. Endless bills not being paid, ccj`s, mortgage arrears etc, all answered with "its been dealt with" when in fact it wasnt and never was.
My advice would be to try and protect yourself financially as much as possible, if you do not actually pay that bill yourself from your own account do not let it be put in your name.
I see you have tried to do the "i`ll pay the bills" chat and got it thrown back at you, if she wont listen to reason (and my ex wouldnt) then in my experience there is naff all you can do to change that and if you plan on staying then you better be prepared for the financial wheels to come off the bus...

Sorry if I come across a bit harsh, just how I see it

grylls12

Thank you for the replies.

I have tried to put the bill in my name and she told me 'It's sorted' All other bills come out of my account and she gives me some money towards them.

My main concern is for me to not be dragged down by my partner not paying the bills. Also if we do spilt not seeing my son and my partners child (I treat her as mine) as much as I do would not be nice.

I am going to let her make the phone call Monday if it has been sorted and was an admin error then I will change the bill to come out of my account and try to move on. If not then I will sit down with her on Monday and explain the situation, if she doesn't listen or tries to turn it against me then I think I will have to explain that I can't carry on the way we are.

She is paying some of her debts back at £300 a month, I know she has more, but at least its a start. The main problem is its my life and my sons life that I don't want to be ruined

raven83

She sounds as if she can't be trusted with money, so as said above i would make sure all the utility's and especially the council tax/ rent are all paid out of your account so you know they are paid. It is one thing not paying of debts such as catalougs etc but council tax is serious and it could lead to having bailiffs turning up at your home and you don't want that. Not to mention court.

I would seriously then sit down with her and have a stern talk with her and tell her how she is making you feel. Some people are terrible with money and are always in denial, but she needs to face up to it, or it isn't going to have a happy ending.

M00se_2

I think you are doing the right thing OP.
Can appreciate your concerns over seeing the kids if the worst does happen, fwiw I have 4 kids and can tell you that I have a far better relationship with them now I am happy with life than I ever did when I was with my ex and unhappy. Anyway hopefully it wont come to that

Valli

you know when she says 'it's sorted' - stop believing words and ask for proof - ask to see the letters OR sort it yourself.

And YOU make the phone call on Monday. You are going to have to take charge of this and stop being so 'gullible' over it.
Assuming you want to stay with her that is.

Lotus-eater

Valli wrote: »

Assuming you want to stay with her that is.

It almost sounds like he doesn't.

grylls12

Of course I want to stay with her otherwise I wouldn;t be asking for advice and would have ended it.

Lotus-eater

grylls12 wrote: »

Of course I want to stay with her otherwise I wouldn;t be asking for advice and would have ended it.

I almost don't believe you, the way you have spoken is not the way a father normally would think about giving up a child.

You care about your life and your sons life, which is commendable, but you say little about your OH's life.

It's almost as if you are already separate, you seem to care little about her.

You care about your reputation and your ability to carry on your work, you care about seeing both kids, but you don't seem bothered about your relationship beyond the money side.

Where is your love for her, where is the passion?

I only say this to maybe make you realise where you are.

Mojisola

[QUOTE=grylls12;54170757_The_problem_is_my_partner_has_racked_up_a_lot_of_debt_over_the_years_and_everytime I question her on the subject she denies it.

I found another letter (that she hid) that was from the council saying that she hasn't been paying the council tax on our house. This made me angry as it directly affected me so I confronted her about it and she said it had been sorted etc etc and was saying that this is my excuse to leave her. My aim is not to leave her I just don't want my name and reputation to be tarnished as I need a clean crime record for my job.

So today (Saturday) I was cleaning out the car and I found 2 letters that she hid that was a for me and her to appear in counrt due to unpaid council tax bills. I was fuming and showed her the letters and she said the usual its sorted etc etc. I said I will ring themm Monday and ask them myslef. She said she will ring them MInday, put phone on loud speaker so I could hear, and get them to explain the situation.

I have discussed about letting it come out of mine but she then tries to turn the tables and says that it's my fault etc etc.
[/QUOTE]

I would be very concerned about your OH's behaviour.

She is spending money, lying to you about it, denying that she is lying and, when you challenge her, blames you! This is classic addict behaviour - her addition might be spending money or it might be what she's spending the money on, but it's serious trouble.

If my OH had lied to me this much about something that affects our family and could put my job in jeopardy, I would have gone ballistic!

What kind of a life are these children going to have with an irresponsible mother like that? For their sake, you might want to stick with her but it won't be easy.