Kids and life skills

Person_one

Mrs_Optimist wrote: »

What I was trying to say is "If you don't treat your body with respect others won't either" basically meaning that if you sleep around, engage in sexual activity etc freely you get a reputation for doing so. If you are careful and choosy about who you offer your affections to, the right people will come your way. I am absolutely horrified about the number of girls in my DD year at School (year 8) who regularly engage in sexual activity, sometimes with several boys in any one evening, and of course the boys flock to them, but it isn't love, just easy opportunity. they dont treat their bodies with respect so of course the boys they "entertain" don't treat them with respect either. I have told my DD that once you have lost your good reputation it is very difficult to get it back so to be very choosy and very careful. Hope that explains it a little better, I didn't explain it very well in my first post but you get the gist...

Ah ok. I suspected it meant something horribly sexist, and yes it does.

Kiboko

Person_one wrote: »

Ah ok. I suspected it meant something horribly sexist, and yes it does.

How would you help your daughter (no idea if you have one or not - hypothetical daughter if you will) not to sleep around? I mean explain it to her? Or do you think it wouldn't be any of your business if she feels she's old enough to have sex and wants multiple partners for whatever reason. Not having a go, just curious, all three of mine are girls and I've dealt with 'sex' questions as and when they come up always saying that it should be within a loving relationship with someone you trust, don't let anyone tell you must have sex or they won't love you/they'll dump you etc but it's a toughie to get across without appearing sexist.

aliasojo

Person_one wrote: »

Ah ok. I suspected it meant something horribly sexist, and yes it does.

What?

MrsOptomist's post is completely realistic.

Person_one

Kiboko wrote: »

How would you help your daughter (no idea if you have one or not - hypothetical daughter if you will) not to sleep around? I mean explain it to her? Or do you think it wouldn't be any of your business if she feels she's old enough to have sex and wants multiple partners for whatever reason. Not having a go, just curious, all three of mine are girls and I've dealt with 'sex' questions as and when they come up always saying that it should be within a loving relationship with someone you trust, don't let anyone tell you must have sex or they won't love you/they'll dump you etc but it's a toughie to get across without appearing sexist.

Of course its not ideal to be having sex too young, both physically and emotionally, but morality is not linked to number of partners. Promiscuity, or teenage sex, if safe and consensual, is not automatically wrong.

Its more about knowing your mind than 'respecting your body'.

Plus, I hate to see girls being told they are responsible for the behaviour of boys and men, and that its their own fault when they are treated badly. Maybe we should be telling boys that just because a girl enjoys sex or other physical contact it doesn't mean they can stop respecting her as a human being!

Mrs_Optimist

Its not sexist, just realistic. My aim is to protect both my kids and equip them with the information to make sensible and informed choices. And I disagree, promiscuity whether it is safe and consensual or not, is wrong at 13 years of age. Kids should be kids, not playing at being adults. Once kids have lost their good reputation it doesn't some back.

Kids are responsible for their own behaviour, boy or girl.

Person_one

Mrs_Optimist wrote: »

Its not sexist, just realistic. My aim is to protect both my kids and equip them with the information to make sensible and informed choices. And I disagree, promiscuity whether it is safe and consensual or not, is wrong at 13 years of age. Kids should be kids, not playing at being adults. Once kids have lost their good reputation it doesn't some back.

Kids are responsible for their own behaviour, boy or girl.

I can't believe people still think 'reputation' should be tied to how much sex a person has and with who, its 2012!

Telling girls that boys won't love them if they have sex too soon just reinforces all the messages they're already getting from a thousand sources that their entire worth is tied up in their sexuality, that sex is something boys want and girls give up unwillingly to get something in return.

Obviously 13 is too young, I'm sure I said it wasn't ideal to have sex too young, but when you're ready both physically and emotionally, what's the big deal?

Kiboko

Thing is that girls do get told by boys that they won't love them or that they will dump them if they won't have sex with them. I don't want my daughters sleeping with those boys, I want them to laugh their heads off and tell them to do one! Girls do get called slags and tarts and slappers, I don't want my daughters to be labelled however much I wish the world had really moved on the fact is that people do gossip and it isn't nice to have people talking about your sex life. It's really about choosing nice people to have in your life, whether friends or sexual partners.

Mrs_Optimist

You haven't said anything to make me change my mind about what I am trying to teach both of my children.

I fail to see how a child can be ready, physically and emotionally to have sex. There is an age of consent but it is routinely ignored by children desperate to be adults.

Reputation is about a number of things, sexual promiscuity being just one of them. My DD told me a tale a few months ago about a girl in her class who was very upset as she had been persuaded by a boy a few years older than her, but still at her school, to engage in sexual activity. Peer pressure made her go along with it. The following Monday he took great delight in telling his friends what had gone on, the net result being that she is now known as a "s##g". My DD felt sorry for this girl, as she said to me "she is actually really nice, mum, I feel so sorry for her". It was harsh lesson and I do not agree with the conduct of the boy in question, and I certainly don't think the poor girl is a "s##g" but as I said previously, it is "dog eat dog" out there and I want both of my kids to be strong enough to survive without giving into peer pressure. When they have sex, drink acohol etc (which they will do) I want them to be able to make an informed decision to do so, not be rushed into it.

This poor girl's reputation is in tatters and that will follow her throughout the rest of her time in High School. Similiarly my nephew who is a 15 year old boy had a reputation for being a "woss" because he wouldn't drink or smoke. He gave in after relentless teasing and now smokes, (to his mother's dismay) so pressure is on both sexes and it isn't just about sex.

Kiboko

Mrs_Optimist wrote: »

You haven't said anything to make me change my mind about what I am trying to teach both of my children.

I fail to see how a child can be ready, physically and emotionally to have sex. There is an age of consent but it is routinely ignored by children desperate to be adults.

Reputation is about a number of things, sexual promiscuity being just one of them. My DD told me a tale a few months ago about a girl in her class who was very upset as she had been persuaded by a boy a few years older than her, but still at her school, to engage in sexual activity. Peer pressure made her go along with it. The following Monday he took great delight in telling his friends what had gone on, the net result being that she is now known as a "s##g". My DD felt sorry for this girl, as she said to me "she is actually really nice, mum, I feel so sorry for her". It was harsh lesson and I do not agree with the conduct of the boy in question, and I certainly don't think the poor girl is a "s##g" but as I said previously, it is "dog eat dog" out there and I want both of my kids to be strong enough to survive without giving into peer pressure. When they have sex, drink acohol etc (which they will do) I want them to be able to make an informed decision to do so, not be rushed into it.

This poor girl's reputation is in tatters and that will follow her throughout the rest of her time in High School. Similiarly my nephew who is a 15 year old boy had a reputation for being a "woss" because he wouldn't drink or smoke. He gave in after relentless teasing and now smokes, (to his mother's dismay) so pressure is on both sexes and it isn't just about sex.

I think you are right, and it isn't about whether we as parents think it's right or wrong to have sex at any particular age, as you said this poor girl now has a reputation that will follow her until she leaves school, I don't want that for my girls.

Mrs_Optimist

Incidentally there are boys that will say what a girl wants to hear just to have sex. The girls that "put out", get a reputation and attract the same types of boy. Repeatedly. The girls that don't, (hopefully my DD will be one of them) and laugh and tell them to "jog on" start to attract the decent type of boy. Similiarly there are girls who like to "trap" boys by getting pregnant. Tell them that it's ok, they are on the pill. Once a pregnancy is in the equation its game over. I don't want either of my children to be caught up with either type of person. If that makes me a snob, sexist or judgemental, fine, I can live with that.