Scared to leave

globetraveller

You are going through what a close family member went through. I can't help with the money side( as she worked full time and was able to cope money wise). The one thing that scared me was how easily they hid the situation( he worked and seemed ok whenever we saw him and she just didn't tell anybody). It was only after she had left him that I found out what had been going on. My relative has always been a strong, determined person but he knocked the stuffing out of her( mentally). I couldn't believe that he had dropped the son of at ours several times in his car, and may well have been drink driving.( he stayed in the car and his son came to the door and then he drove off) I have no idea why the mother allowed this to happen- it points to what sort of mental state she was in at the time.
The clincher was mother arriving home to work, the kitchen in fire, and husband flat out on the sofa. He was supposed to be looking after son, who was playing in the living room. She had come home earlier than expected and realised that if she hadnt, her son would probably be dead.
The father used to be so nice before he became an alcoholic. He is dead now- liver failure in his 40s.
You wont be making a move immediately I would think- so please don't leave OH on own at all with your children. The husband I was telling you about adored his kids- he just was a danger to them.
Also please tell someone close to you what is happening. Even though they may live a fair bit away, they may still be a good support for you.
Keep strong- he will do his best to try to get you to change your mind. When it does come to leaving- perhaps you could jsut be "visiting a distant relative."
edit to add- another relative found WA were a lifesaver.

Becles

It may not be you who has to move. Although you have said he refuses to move out, if his behaviour is violent and you and/or the children are at risk, he can be removed from the property but the authorities.

I don't want to pry as I know it must be upsetting but WA will advise you of steps you can take if you this this route is an option for you.

Betty_Crumble

Hi hun just wanna say keep your chin up, you can do this. I second confiding in a relly/friend no matter how far away they are. If you think you will be able to get documents out the house without arousing suspicion it may be an idea to mail them (secure delivery of course) to said family/friend, this will help with the forward planning and leave you less to do when the time comes.
If the kids have some storage tubs you could use the ruse that you are having a clear out or organising session and gather each of the kids favourite toys etc in their tub making this the thing to go for when you go.
Get a next/asda/tesco gift card and start topping it up from now til then, no matter how little, that way if anything happens with regards to bank cards/accounts when you go you will still have something to tide you over for food or even clothes if you dont manage to get them.
Make a list of what utilities are in joint names so that you know which to remove your name from when you go.
Try not to act any different until you are ready to go, unless you are in iminent danger you will need a short while at the least to get sorted, dont want to arouse his suspicions and have him kick off, remember you are in control now so stick to your normal routine as much as possible.
Do you have a locker at work that is exclusively yours? could you use that to store small items?
If he drinks spirits can you water them down a little, this will at least slow him down a bit.
The drink driving thing REALLY worries me and I'd be inclined to scrap all of the above and just shophim to the police but I understand thats me and not you but I seriously hope that you try your best to reduce the risk of this happening, it makes me feel sick to my stomach to think he could potentially kill someone. This alone should make you realise that you are doing the right thing.
Good luck with everything and take a minute each day to smile at the thought of being out of this horrible situation soon.

x

andyf3050

lisax wrote: »

RAS - yes we are all UK citizens and live permanently in the UK.

I will definitely contact Womens Aid when I have time on my own, hopefully tey will be able to point me in the right direction to sorting out a home to move into....that seems to be the thing that is most worrying me, the actual renting a house, my husband has always sorted everything like that.

Can I just mention something, apologies if it has been said already, but Womens' Aid can provide refuge for any woman and her children trying to leave an abusive partner. This is usually away from the home town and gives the family chance to get away. They also provide ongoing support to help the family find new accommodation, claim benefits, access counselling and can even help with things like pet fostering (believe it or not, a lot of people in abusive relationships put off leaving because they are worried what will happen to the dog...!!)

I hope this helps and I can safely say that because I work in the substance misuse field I see people living in these terrifying circumstances day in, day out and I always recommend seeking help and advice from Womens' Aid. And I'm a bloke...!

lisax_2

Blimey, thank you all so much for replies, its really good of you all to take the time out to help me.

My first step of taking the initiative and finding a house is the most worrying of all.... Do you think I would need to tell the estate agents I will be getting help with the rent (I am worried about the credit thing.... )

I don't believe he will stop me from leaving if thats what I really want.... he may even help me. He is not an unreasonable man when sober.

He knows he is in the wrong, he has tried to get help for alcohol dependence before and been successful for a few months. He knows it is his fault if me and the girls leave him....something stops him from ditching the alcohol tho, thats the scarey thing about alcoholics.

Once again, I am very grateful for all you replies...thank you

mazza111

Woman's Aid would help you with all that hon.


http://www.womensaid.org.uk/


A free phone number on there to help you to, even if it's just practical advice they can give you.

marisco_2

lisax wrote: »

I don't believe he will stop me from leaving if thats what I really want.... he may even help me. He is not an unreasonable man when sober.

Be very careful when you tell him you are leaving. Have someone with you then and when you move out. You are in an extremely abusive relationship. He has treated you terribly. If he hadn't you wouldn't be contemplating leaving and starting what must be a very frightening new phase of your life. He may be okay when he is sober, but it is not okay that he gets drunk and mistreats you the way he does, that is not a reasonable man in my book.

You are at most risk when the person who has been abusing you feels like they are losing control of you and the life they know with you. The point of leaving an abusive partner is when you and the children are most at risk. Dont listen to any promises that he will change, you have listened before and been badly let down. Also expect him to threaten to do harm to himself if you do leave. Another manipulating trick abusers try on. If he does harm himself that is down to him and his guilt, not your repsonsibility to prevent.

Sorry to lay this on so strongly but this is what you may well face from him and it must not put you off getting to safety and making a better life for yourself and your kids. Forewarned is forearmed.

415SanFran

Strange that a lot of women that are abused also say that they are a long way from friends and family.
Almost as if that was part of the abusers game plan.
Please do not thaink that your girls do not know that Daddy gets cross and you get upset, they will have worked that out a long time ago, they may not know why, but to coin a phrase "they would have to be deaf dumb and blind" not to.
I hate to be brutal but right now all you are showing these girls is that is what women do when they get married put up with abuse, because they aren't strong enough to do anything about it.
If you stay with him I am afraid that one day one of the daughters will say something to him that will get him angry and he will turn on them, now you might be saying." You are wrong, he would never hurt them, he is a good father", and my response would be. " On your wedding day you never thought he would treat you this way, or get drunk as a skunk and beat you" Did you ever think he would love alcohol more than his family? because that is what it has come to.

Whilst you are sat there looking for excuses.......Yes excuses to stay with him you are telling him that this is acceptable, until he goes too far, then he rains it in for a while, he has heard this threat from you......how many times now?......Do you really think he takes it seriously anymore?
Stop making the housing situation the excuse for staying with him, I have yet to see women and children walking the street at night because they have nowhere to live in the UK. OK so it might not have nice wallpaper or the nice things that you have right now, but shoot, you will be safe, you all will be, and believe me you will earn the children's respect, for walking out and showing him that you are now prepared to put up with someone treating you like this.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but please if not for yourself, then do it for your children.

[Deleted User]

The most important thing is the safety and happiness of your children and to ensure their future happiness at least you HAVE to walk away and what kind of example are you setting your girls , that ''loving someone'' means staying and putting up with whatever they throw at you with them dragging you down??

Or how about LOVING YOURSELF enough to want the best for yourself and your children and either the man you deserve or no man , there is actually no third option if you want to be happy! lol

Anyway , it will be pretty tough at first so get as much support as you can & be brave and take one day at a time and even ENJOY being away from him , more peace and contentment and time to do things your way

Temporary accommodation with just the basics and not much money is still better than your CURRENT situation which will drag you down and make you very unhappy , chipping away at you every time you ignore it!!

We only get one life so time to face facts and make that step and you WON'T look back or regret it and lots of people come from nowhere and make it , look at the guy in ''The pursuit of Happiness'' he spent the night in hostels if he was LUCKY and slept in a public toilet with his son , but look at them now! x

amyloofoo

lisax wrote: »

Blimey, thank you all so much for replies, its really good of you all to take the time out to help me.

My first step of taking the initiative and finding a house is the most worrying of all.... Do you think I would need to tell the estate agents I will be getting help with the rent (I am worried about the credit thing.... )

I don't believe he will stop me from leaving if thats what I really want.... he may even help me. He is not an unreasonable man when sober.

He knows he is in the wrong, he has tried to get help for alcohol dependence before and been successful for a few months. He knows it is his fault if me and the girls leave him....something stops him from ditching the alcohol tho, thats the scarey thing about alcoholics.

Once again, I am very grateful for all you replies...thank you

Lisa,

Your story's really touched me. What you're doing is a brave and courageous act for yourself and your children (and ultimately may be even be best for your OH if it forces him to reach rock bottom - not that he should be a priority). I just wanted to let you know that I'm sure there are plenty of lovely people on here who will give you the help and support you need, and there are lots of organisations who're able to help :grouphug:

In the short term you need accomodation. I have to agree with the poster above who asked you to please stop using a lack of accomodation as a reason to stay longer. I know it must be terrifying to have to move (with children :eek:) when this isn't something you're used to and have, I'm sure, had years of being told how useless you are and that you can't manage by yourself.

This isn't true, you're perfectly capable and will be a happier and healthier woman and parent once you take the plunge. In the short term, it might mean living somewhere that's not quite what you're used to, but what you're losing in house, you're making up for in safety for yourself and your children. I notice you mentioned that you live far away from your family. Would you like to move closer to them when you leave? If so then you should consider contacting their local council / housing association as these should be able to offer you emergency accomodation as you can prove you have local ties (i.e. family in the area) and are fleeing domestic violence. If this is something you'd like to do, but you're struggling with, then please PM me the area your family live in and I'll find the relevant organisations and policies for you, so all you have to do is ring or turn up. I also believe this is something Women's Aid can assist with.

If it's necessary (and if it's a choice of staying with him, or doing this then I'd say it is necessary) then there should be a number of local shelters in your area. These have come a long way and are no longer the depressing places many people imagine when they think of refuges. Getting access to these means safe accomodation, protection from your ex, access to services and advice on benefits, etc and the ability to find more suitable housing whilst already being in a safe environment. You'd also have the support of specialist workers who are experienced in this are and could support yourself and your children.

Have the police ever been involved as a result of the violence / drinking? If so, then they may be able to help if you let them know you intend to leave - or to ask him to leave. They have trained officers who specialise in domestic violence and would much rather deal with assisting a peaceful move than try to handle the situation once it's turned violent. I also agree with the poster who above who said how important it is to have someone with you when you tell him. Whilst I'm sure he's reasonable when sober, he has demonstrated behaviour that's unpredictable and inappropriate and there's no need for you to be further exposed to that. He is also less likely to try to persuade / coerce you if there's someone else there.

In the longer term, I think it's also important that you seek some emotional support, whether counselling or therapy for yourself and your children. Whilst you may think that they've been sheltered from the worst of what's happened - they're still going to have some traumatic memories, experiences or feelings which could cause problems later if not correctly dealt with now. Again, this should be something that Women's Aid can help you with, although I appreciate it's probably not your number 1 priority right now.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk
http://www.refuge.org.uk
http://www.shelter.org.uk

These are the main national organisations, there are many more local agencies that can help too.