Scared to leave

lisax_2

Not sure where to begin really...I'm looking through trying to find answers, but am not being too successful so far, so here goes.
I'll try not to ramble....
I have been with my husband for 18 yrs, the last five have been on a downward spiral. He is a drinker, sometimes very abusive, sometimes physically (although not recently). He has thrown dinner plates and pulled tv's out of sockets, turned off the electricity, pulled me by my hair (that was a REALLY bad day).
The trouble is, I have put up with it, hidden and made excuses but my two girls (aged 12 and 9) are not affected by it.....just can't be hidden any more.
I love him sometimes (mostly the mornings) and life isn't bad all the time, but he is certainly drinking more and more - sometimes he hides drinks, pops to the shop and comes back two hours later worse for wear....he drinks and drives, he gets into fights, he is mean and spiteful and sometimes I just look at him and wish I didn't have to look at him any more.
However, we do have nice times,....its not all bad, but unfortunately the good is now being outweighed by the bad.
So me and my girls have a decision to make.
He absolutely will not leave the hosue ( we are only renting in the UK although we have a house abroad) so it will be up to us to make the move. I am absolutely terrified....how will we afford to live and pay rent...how can I get a rental agreement ( i only work 25 hours a week - )....I have no family around to help and I am just so scared to think how we can move on. I have no savings. Would I get any help financially... I jsut don't know what to do and I would be really grateful to hear what others think.
Thank you and sorry for going on a bit......

elisamoose

There is a sticky at the top of the thread which may be useful for you

marisco_2

Firstly I am really sorry for all your are suffering and coping with. Asking for help and advice so as to make yours and your childrens' lives happier and safer does not mean you are going on at all. I feel that you have been so undermined and badly treated that you feel awkward asking for help.

You are stronger than you realise right now. You have recognised the situation for what it is now and that your children cant be protected from what is going on any more. Knowing this has kick started a real need to move on with life and make all of you safe. There are many people who suffer abuse who could not face doing any of this.

It is tricky to advise what financial help or benefits you may be able to claim as your share of assets in the property abroad would need to be established first. This will effect what you are entitled to.

Without any assets or savings, or claim to any of these, you would be entitled to child benefit, family tax credits, working tax credits, childcare costs, possibly housing benefit and council tax benefit. Your husband would also be liable to pay child maintenance. Either voluntarily or via the csa. It is do-able.

I have been in your shoes. It is terrifying facing all you are. What I will say is that the reality of going it alone and starting a safe and happy future is achievable. It is very hard being a lone parent but then compared to what you are living with right now it may well seem far easier.

Contact a solicitor and find out all your rights. Establish what assets you have. Then speak with someone at CAB. They were incredibly helpful to me. Speak with your gp and ask for his/her help. You may well need to seek counselling for you and sadly also for the children. I tried to protect my children from all that went on and thought I had. It was only a while after we had moved on that I realised how aware they were of all that happened.

I dont want to upset you further but it is a common feature of an abusive relationship that every now and then there are good times. Just enough to make you think things can be okay, just enough to keep you loving the person who spends the majority of their time abusing you horrendously. It is part of the abuse. It keeps you where your partner wants you. Abuse always escalates. Trust in yourself and get away from it.

Bambam

I'm not going to judge him, or you and I really don't know what to advise; the only thing I can say is...please don't think that your children are not affected by what they see/hear.

Whatever choice you make, you make it for your children also.

Good luck!

BitterAndTwisted

Contact Womens Aid. If any relationship sounds abusive, yours does. Very. Despite the obvious risks and dangers you need to get the hell out of there, if only for the sake of your children. Staying could cause terrible and irreversible emotional damage to them. Contact Womens Aid now

cottonhead

You are right that you dont have to put up with that and you have a responsibility to protect your kids.They will be effected by it.
Why does your husband behave like this ? Is he stressed in some aspect of his life or unhappy about something or has there been cheating or is he depressed ? Im not saying that makes his behaviour OK but is there something at the root of it all that coudl be sorted so that there is a chance of a happy life ? If not and you have to move on, then get your friends and family to support you emotionally. Womans Aid can give you advice. There will be help with benefits - tax credits , housing benefit etc etc so you should be able to get by. Take care though. make an escape plan in secret and cover your tracks just in case he gets violent when you try to leave. Might be better to do it when he is not around. In the long term you will build a new life and your kids will be free from seeing their mum unhappy and treated badly and will thank you for it. Seek some legal advice as well as there is the issue of child support payments, visitation rights etc. Goos luck.

lisax_2

Thank you all for your replies. Its quite scarey actually writing it down, makes it all seem a bit more real and believe me, I have only mentioned a 100th of the things that have happened.
I have tried to brush our problems away for a long, long time.

My husband is an alcoholic....and has been to a degree for a very long time. His father died of whatever an alcoholic dies of. Every now and again he stops drinking when I threaten to leave.... but the drinking always creeps back up again until I snap and say enough is enough.

If he gave up drinking, our life would be happy and good, he works very hard to provide for us, he's generous and loving, we share same interests etc....but the drinking puts a massively huge spanner in the works, he only needs to have a couple of drinks and his whole persona changes. He gets so drunk its unbelieveable. Trouble is, he is always sorry, but literally has no idea as to what he has said or done. Unfortunately, me and the kids can't forget.

My most worrying aspect is the actual organising another house to live in.... I don't see how I can rent somewhere in my name when I only work part time....no rental company will let me rent, will they?? or will they let me rent a house on the proviso that I'll get help as a single mum??

Oh I don't know, it just gives me a headache thinking about it all. But thank you all once again for all your words and kindness and I apologise if I have rambled again.......

Mojisola

Put your details into one of the benefit calculators and see what you would be entitled to. Add in the child maintenance he would be expected to pay.

Who is on the rental agreement for where you live now?

If you are concerned at how he may react to your plans, make sure you clear your history every time you finish on the computer.

C_Mababejive

See a solicitor and seek an exclusion order for the protection of yourself and the children. Game over.

lisax_2

His name is on the rental agreement.
Once he realises I am serious, he will probably promise the world again. I don't even want to bother with that conversation,
I just need to start looking for somewhere else to rent. I need to be a bit more proactive and do something rather than thinking of doing something.

Mojisola

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Contact Womens Aid.

lisax wrote: »

I need to be a bit more proactive and do something rather than thinking of doing something.

You won't be on your own if you contact WA, as B&T suggests.

They have seen it all before and will help you do what needs to be done.