Delegation failure :-(

epskie

^^^^^ Such a heart warming post; guess I'm lucky really. My Mam always tells me to count myself lucky that he has harmless and fun hobbies - he doesn't gamble or go out drinking every night. Thanks for that post - lovely :-)

I will however, be taking the advice on delegating to the kids. I made a list last night and put it on the fridge and I'm going to ask them to choose some jobs from it to do every day. My youngest will embrace it as he is still little enough to enthuse over helping out; my eldest will be mortified but will soon back down. Thanks for the responses everybody :-)

heavenleigh

I think the difference is you need to feel appreciated for it.
I do everything in this house, and really don't mind doing it most of the time, i love cooking etc and can put up with the cleaning but when everyone expects things done it can get me down.
The eldest and the oh are absolute nightmares at putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket but i will not step down on my rule of if it's in the basket it will get washed, if it's lay on a bedroom floor tough luck!
I aim to please but i also expect respect for doing it xx

SpikyHedgehog

I've seen that with my friend - she & her DH did share the chores, childrearing and finances as they both worked fulltime, and when he became seriously ill thier child wa old enough to be at home with dad while mum was at work. But it was still such a blow to her when he passed and 2 years later, she still struggles - it's the loss of someone else to talk to as much as anything else :-(

To return to epskie's dilemma - I believe that what works for everyone on the family is right for that family. And however it's worked in the past, it doesn't work for you anymore, so you do need change. But have you told your DH that? Because of course, it is still working for him...

I started doing Flylady when DS1 was a toddler and I worked 3 days a week, DH worked fulltime but on shifts that changed every week. When I wrote all the housework down for each day, including which wash load I planned to do so there was never a mountain of desperately needed laundry, and shared the book with DH, he was shocked at how much I was doing as he thought he took on an equal share.

Depending on how committed your DH is to his hobbies, sharing with him that you're unhappy and that this is what you do each week, could be enough to trigger a change.

And I do agree your children need to start doing chores - I was talking to a colleague yesterday, who (as I now am) is a single parent - she has 1 child who has just finished doing al her GCSEs and plans to continue to do no housework as she believes it's her mum' job to care for her. I said after explaining that it's a mum's job to empower the children, I'd be saying to her 'I'm off to work now, I'd like you to (wash up, dry up & put away all washing up that is in the kitchen) today and then I'll come home and cook a nice dinner.' Then when I got home & found it not done, I'd say 'Oh, I see you chose not to (wash up...) today, that's a shame.' And go & make myself a sandwich for dinner and nothing for her. At 16, she's old enough to make her own sandwich!

My sons are 16 & 9 - the elder one washes up each night, the younger one lays & clears & wipes the table, they both make their own beds & care for their hamsters with support from me...

adelight

I also think you need to lay down the law with them. Tell them that they need to do more and specify what the more should me. Cleaning their own rooms and putting their washing in the basket for sure, you could even ask eldest to do the washing on X day so they know exactly what you want them to do.

With all the guitars and general junk, do you have a spare room/shed/garage/hole?

Miss_Havisham

This might sound odd but personally I'd resent his stuff taking over the house, I think this is disrespectful of your own right to enjoy your home without it being cluttered.

Id' have to get his toys etc sorted away first, in a spare room or loft if available. Do you have a garage he could use, or failing that get him a shed (I'm serious, he could put in power, insulate it, radio, kettle, comfy chair etc.) Thats not to say he couldn't play with them in the house but keep them tidily in one place and just bring out whatever he wants to "play" with at any one time and then put it away (like a child with his toy-box). Could you screen off a corner of your living room etc with a nice screen to complement your decor, behind which he could hide things ?

The jobs list is a good idea and make it clear that if not done, you won't do some of "your" jobs such as making meals and laundry.

You will have to persevere and keep chivvying them so they don't give up after a week ! Don't back down. You don't say if your hubby does "men's jobs" such as dealing with the rubbish/recycling bins, cutting the grass, cleaning windows etc - if not then you could start with these.

Good luck and let us know how you get on - I suspect this is quite a common problem.

Miss H xx

Miss_Havisham

another thing - at age 11 your son is old enough to learn about running a house/chores. By the time my brother left school at 16 he was competent doing things such as cooking a meal, washing and ironing his clothes, tidying up, as my mum made sure he, as well as my sister and I, was au fait with household chores. This stood him in good stead when he married and when he lived alone after his divorce. Running a home is a "life skill" (sounds pompous but you get the drift).

Sorry I can't keep my posts brief but hope it makes sense and isn't too rambling.

Miss H

Mojisola

JackieO wrote: »

As one of the ...errr older folk on here I read this with interest.I was an old -fashioned wife yet never a doormat.I cooked, cleaned, fed and looked after the children, and after awhile went back to work full-time when times got tough.

I adored my OH and it never occured to me not to do things for him. I balanced the books and shopped and the only things I ever wanted him to do was wash the windows (outsides only ) and mow the lawn.

Its almost nine years since I lost him to a heart attack and if he was here today nothing would change, as I enjoyed looking after him and considered it was part of my role as his wife to do so.

I'm glad you had an arrangement that suited you both - that's what each family has to work out for themselves.

What would worry me about one partner taking on all the responsibility for everything to do with the house is that the other would be left in a very difficult position if that person died first.

I saw this with a neighbour - she did all the housework and he controlled the finances. When he died suddenly, she not only had to cope with his death but had no idea about managing money. It made everything much worse and, without a lot of help from other family members, she would have got into serious trouble.

[Deleted User]

My two DDs also thought this and have always said that if I had gone first, their Dad wouldn't have lasted a month without me as he was very dependant towards the end of his life bless him as he was slowing down over the last three months

foxgloves

When my husband & I both worked full-time, we split the chores straight down the middle........that's laundry, ironing, cleaning, decorating, gardening, cooking, household shopping, eveything. He did lawn-mowing and car-cleaning, & I did mending & kept on track of household finances. We both worked full time so that was absolutely fair. I could never believe how many female colleagues in a similar situation used to iron all their partners' shirts. When I went part-time, we altered the balance & I took on more of the domestic chores, which again, seemed fair. Last year, I took voluntary redundancy and now run the home in the week, but my husband still cooks at weekends & we often split the shopping & some other chores. This works for us, as I feel I'm still contributing to our household even tho I'm not earning. I think you need to tell your partner the situation needs to change. Work out a rota which is fair to both of you & get your children involved in small tasks too. If your partner doesn't do his share, then stop doing your half. Basically, this situation is as it is because he has got away with it for a long time. Be strong. We are not living in the 1950s. The only way men can insist on our domestic servitude is if we let them. Sometimes, I think their mothers do it all for them, then they move in with a partner & fall into exactly the same behaviour patterns.

bargainbetty

I came back to look at this thread, and suddenly remembered my Dad, standing at the ironing board, patiently ironing all his own shirts and trousers. He told me that Mum just couldn't iron, and had pressed double-seams into everything until he couldn't stand it and he had 'gently' encouraged her to let him do his own ironing. 'I told her I'm a modern man and I'm happy to help out' he said of his action in 1960.

In 2001, just after he died, we were sorting out his clothes and I laughed about how he used to say that she couldn't iron his shirts properly. Mum looked over and admitted that she had spent six weeks deliberately pressing the double seams in as an attempt to make him do something himself. She smiled the serene smile of a woman who did the ironing for 40 years as I collasped giglling.

Possibly no help at all, but I do love that story.

Well done on delgating to the kids, but don't let him get away with it. He needs to do his share - you currently have three kids by any reckoning.

Oh, Bristol Bob, have you seen the Slave girl costume? Barely enough there to worry about!