Advice on aggressive / frustrated behaviour

sunnyone

RainbowDreamer wrote: »

I have an almost 2 and 4 year old.
Since they have been spending more time at their dads there seems to have been a major shift in behaviour.

I am unsure of the best way to tackle this.

My 4 year old is constantly pushing, pulling, slapping, kicking my 2 year old.
Both will hit or bite themselves when told no. My 2 year old frequently headbutts floors & doors.

I have tried time out & am trying to stick to it, but cannot leave them there when they start physically harming themselves.

Any marks & bruises they get in my care their dad reports to ss & says i have abused them. Yet i dont want to allow negative behaviour as im sure that it would then escalate.

I feel stuck and a terrible mother.

You are a terrible mother and he is a terrible father, you are both responsible for the damage you are doing to your sons and you both should be ashamed of yourselves (though we only have your word for your ex husbands behaviour we have your own words to condem your actions)

You both need to love the boys more than you hate each other but its very unlikely until you can both entangle your own emotions from the most important issue which is the bairns.

desert_rose

You are not a terrible mother! If anything, you sound like a highly intelligent and very, very caring mother, so don't believe what the negative sorts are saying here.

Try maintaining total calmness when dealing with your tots behaviour. Sanctions and rewards are a good place to start - sticker charts for rewards, naughty steps and withdrawal of favourite toy for poor behaviour.

Children need total structure in their lives in order to feel happy and secure. Its this lack of structure that's the cause of your problems and you have to address it head on if you want to improve matters.

Don't know what to suggest on that as only you can know how realistic and feasible it would be to alter existing arrangements to effect a more positive outcome.

Yet without more sensible arrangements, its hard to see how things will improve short term.

funnythings

Children as adults has every right to feel how they feel but children do not have the communication skills to let the parent know what is going on in there little minds.

So they lash out in any way they can. either with there siblings or themselves or generally by being naughty and getting upto no good.

Sadly unless you have a amicable relationship with the childrens father what happens when the children visit him is basically out of your hands. unless you have other serious concerns for your childrens well being

all you can do is to continue making things as good as it can be within your home.

Couple things i would suggest is

how often do we use the word DON'T to our children which often falls on deaf ears. Try using the word STOP instead and see if there is any difference.

Every child gets angry/frastrated at some point i would suggest acknowledge there anger or frastration let the child have there moment but then distraction is the key.

if a child is hurting themselves try holding there hands to stop them from hurting themselves again but also acknowledge there feelings by asking them why, then distraction. you may get aload of mumble jumble from there response but the main thing is you have acknowledge there feelings which is important.

Time out, postive praise, acknowledgement,distraction, and the saying STOP instead of DON'T. rewards, charts.

is not easy but you have made a first positive step by getting advice so well done you.

Maydot

You are NOT a terrible mother! Children of their age can display that type of behaviour regardless of the family dynamics. Your little ones are testing the boundaries and, as the boundaries are probably different from when they are with their dad they become confused and are unable to deal with their feelings and emotions (even children living with both parents can experience this unless Mum and Dad are consistent with boundaries).

Head banging and self biting are to get your attention - negative attention is better than no attention at all as far as they are concerned. I have yet to come across a child in any of the families I work with who has actually done themselves any serious harm from doing this - they know exactly how far to push it! If you can, ignore it, I know that's hard to do, and if you really can't, then use distraction - make it good though - don't ask them if they'd like a story - jump up and shout something like "oooh, lets see who can find the ball/book/toy etc first!" (anything will do really, use your imagination).

Your two year old might be a little young for Time Out but if he/she is nearer three then it will usually work, depends really on the level of understanding.

Consider contacting your Health Visitor, many Health Visiting teams have Nursery Nurses working with them who specialise in behaviour management (amongst other things!) and will visit you at home for advice and support - your HV should help regardless. Ask to be referred into your local Children's Centre (or contact them direct), they have lots of activities available and can also offer one to one support.

Good luck, parenting is one of the most difficult jobs in the world - my kids still "test" me now and they are both grown up!

RAS

Try reading How to talk to your children so that they listen....http://www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-Child/dp/1853407054

You may also find Steve Biddulph on sons and fathers useful.

It may be a good idea to develop a good strong relationship with another man in your family as an alternative role model for your sons?

XYZ1000

Hello

I am not sure of the background of what has been happening. It sounds to me that the children have been pulled into differant directions by Mum and Dad. I think maybe try talking to the children, maybe the 2 year old will not understand but the 4 yr old should have some idea. Eg Mummy and Daddy both love you very much but now daddy wont be living here but you will be seeing him ect ect.
If you dont feel like you can face asking for help locally. Why not take the little ones to the local library and go and get some books of understanding toddler behaviour?
Getting a routine would help if you not in one and getting out and about. Maybe friends over with extra children to distract your children from each other.

alwaysonthego_2

sunnyone wrote: »

You are a terrible mother and he is a terrible father, you are both responsible for the damage you are doing to your sons and you both should be ashamed of yourselves (though we only have your word for your ex husbands behaviour we have your own words to condem your actions)

You both need to love the boys more than you hate each other but its very unlikely until you can both entangle your own emotions from the most important issue which is the bairns.

I think that is very unfair, yes in some circumstances that would apply. My ex husband was emotionally abusive towards me and no matter how reasonable I was he would, once we were seperated, scream at me in the street and try and assault me. In the end I had to stop the contact as I was very afraid for my safety and he never bothered to really fight for contact the kids. Not all cases can the mother be civil towards the father if it means she is in danger.

hunters

but you aren't coping and its not getting any better it seems since you wrote this thread

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3887493

unless both you and your husband get some help pretty soon you are going to have two very mixed up kids, I know as I was one.