Advice on aggressive / frustrated behaviour

RainbowDreamer

I have an almost 2 and 4 year old.
Since they have been spending more time at their dads there seems to have been a major shift in behaviour.

I am unsure of the best way to tackle this.

My 4 year old is constantly pushing, pulling, slapping, kicking my 2 year old.
Both will hit or bite themselves when told no. My 2 year old frequently headbutts floors & doors.

I have tried time out & am trying to stick to it, but cannot leave them there when they start physically harming themselves.

Any marks & bruises they get in my care their dad reports to ss & says i have abused them. Yet i dont want to allow negative behaviour as im sure that it would then escalate.

I feel stuck and a terrible mother.

alwaysonthego_2

You are not a terrible mother, my dds (8 and 6) fight like mad and it can get physical. Young children are bound to get bruises and marks it is in their nature and SS know what is a normal bruise and what isn't so I wouldn't worry.

The children are probably confused and need stabilty back in their life. It sounds like you need support and if I was working with you I would signpost you to sure start.

RainbowDreamer

I am a bit wary of asking a professional for help. I do not want to look like i cant cope.
Im in a hard situation with their dad. He has no routine or discipline and gives the children anything they ask for.
They then come to me and have rules, routine etc and fight against it because the massive difference confuses them.

I want to spend my time doing enjoyable things with them. Recently i feel like im spending all my time pulling them apart and dealing with screaming tantrums.

beautiful_ravens

Not sure if this will help but I read it the other day and tried it out a bit on my [often fighting] kids, they do respond to positive reminders -

http://www.the-mule.com/2012/04/chorus-of-approval-creating-your-childs.html

I liked the 'you have been bad but we know you can be good' angle.

alwaysonthego_2

RainbowDreamer wrote: »

I am a bit wary of asking a professional for help. I do not want to look like i cant cope.
Im in a hard situation with their dad. He has no routine or discipline and gives the children anything they ask for.
They then come to me and have rules, routine etc and fight against it because the massive difference confuses them.

I want to spend my time doing enjoyable things with them. Recently i feel like im spending all my time pulling them apart and dealing with screaming tantrums.

not so much for professional help, but for support from other families. Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness but instead the strength to say hey I need a bit of support/advise. Do not worry about having your children removed.

I think you seemed stressed which maybe adding to the children's behaviour. They seem to know what buttons to press. I think that distraction is a good tool to use with children this age and the usual positive reinforcement. I don't think your children are unusual as most siblings fight alot.

Wellyboots6

RainbowDreamer wrote: »

I am a bit wary of asking a professional for help. I do not want to look like i cant cope.

I want to spend my time doing enjoyable things with them.

It won't look like you can't cope, it will look like you can cope!! Asking for help, like another poster says shows that you have the strength to recognise when you are struggling and need support, rather than trying to hide things and muddle along. If you ask for help before things get out of control then you are potentially preventing something serious happening or 'help' being forced upon you.

Also, at a Sure Start centre you will have lots of opportunities to do enjoyable things with your children, and the chances are it will be more affordable. You will have support there for if you need it, and if you don't need it you can help support others. You may find your childrens behaviour improves too as they will get the chance to mix with all sorts of different people.

gingin_2

Can you get your children involved in weekly activities that both you and their father can take them to independently? I am thinking playgroups, tumble tots, group music classes. Maybe that might be a way of giving them more stability and routine and might help their behaviour if they are socialising with other children? It would also look good to social services on your behalf.

My son was a terror at that age, he's about as chilled out as it gets now but 2-4 was his nightmare age.

Gigervamp

Glad to hear you've finally got the children back.

marisco_2

You are not a terrible mother at all OP. You are a mother caught up in a terrible situation.

Your young children are more than likely feeling extremely confused and traumatised by recent events. They are too young to verbalise all their frustrations and upset. So they are playing up, pushing boundaries and lashing out.

Behave as you would have, had all this unecessary upheaval not taken place in yours and their lives. Stay constant with them, being calm but assertive in making sure they know the boundaries. Routine and knowing what they can and cant do make chidlren feel safe and are the quickest ways to turn their behaviour around.

Do you have a social worker involved with you? If so tell them how the children are and be upfront about their emotional state. Then your ex cant get away with reporting you for hurting or neglecting your own kids.

Mojisola

RainbowDreamer wrote: »

I have an almost 2 and 4 year old.

Since they have been spending more time at their dads there seems to have been a major shift in behaviour.

My 4 year old is constantly pushing, pulling, slapping, kicking my 2 year old.

Both will hit or bite themselves when told no. My 2 year old frequently headbutts floors & doors.

RainbowDreamer wrote: »

Im in a hard situation with their dad. He has no routine or discipline and gives the children anything they ask for.

They then come to me and have rules, routine etc and fight against it because the massive difference confuses them.

I think the answer is in your posts. You're not a terrible mother - their father isn't a good father!

In your position, I would ask for help and explain what's happening. Your children need to be seen when they are with you and, again, when they with their Dad.

If their Dad won't get involved or he does and they can see that he doesn't have any rules, it will undermine him when he reports you.

If both sides have parenting techniques suggested to them, you may be able to work it out. He's using the children to control you from a distance at the moment.

daska

Behave exactly as they would remember to expect you to - not sure if that quite makes sense even to me but... kids do learn that there are different rules/boundaries with different people and in different situations. They've had a break from your boundaries but that doesn't mean they've forgotten what they are. Part of reassuring them that things are getting back to normal is to be, well, normal (whatever normal happens to be for your family LOL). And any child professional will recognise the situation your boys are in having had a period of upheaval so I think you'll find them far more supportive than you obviously expect.