How do you discipline your children?

RainbowDreamer

After reading the smacking thread, I wondered how others discipline their children (and how old they are).

What do you find effective?
I have a 1.5 year old and a 3.5 year old. I used to just say no ect and everything would be fine. Lately is a different story. Both screaming at each other, fighting, throwing toys, going where they shouldn't.. basically doing things i sat no to.
I've tried time out. The eldest just sits and screams as loud as he can and youngest will get up and run and giggle everytime he is put back.

Just seeing what works for others.

Peater

I don't beleive in discipline.

My children are free spirits and will learn from thier own mistakes. They are extremely independant for thier age.

Seanymph

Good luck with that Peater

You have to keep changing what you do - otherwise the little !!!!!!s get wise to you and work out countermeasures.

Also some kids work better for carrots (my littlest at 17) and some work better if they are told off (my eldest at 18).

I have the T shirt for this, as does any mum with older kids. Yesterday we had a family meal at a pub, we took a load of pictures, one was flicking through, said look at this one and handed it to the other, who promptly retained the camera and started looking through. Cue;

'MUUUUUUM, she's taken the camera off me and I was looking first'.

Their aunt laughed her head off and said they were taller, but no different to when they were tiny.

They drive cars now, one is licenced one on l plates, drink, have boyfriends, eldest is off to university - and I still wear the umpire shirt and have to say 'give it back to your sister she had it first'.

The best you can hope for is that it then gets handed back. I consider that I've done my job because that happened

Hang in there, do it all - take things away, explain what isn't ok, explain what consequences will be and carry them out.

As long as you are consistent, follow through, apologise when you are wrong and don't give in when you are right you'll get there.

My kids will know what they can and can't do without asking, they've known that since they were quite small - I am constant and predictable.

The rest just follows.

Gra76

I think it's horses for courses really.

I have 3 kids myself (7yrs, 3yrs and 1yr) and although I certainly don't make a habit of smacking when they misbehave I've done it on the odd occassion I believed it was the only option left. Normally the threat of it is enough to stop them misbehaving. That's once I've exhuasted the usual threats of early bedtimes and no TV etc etc.

One thing I've done is never backed out of a 'threat', if I tell the eldest he's going to bed at 7pm for the rest of the week instead of his usual 8pm bedtime then he goes to bed at 7pm without fail. I believe you can't back down on a threat once you've made it because if you do then all you're doing is telling the kids you don't mean what you say.

My wife thinks the 'naughty step' idea is great, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that it doesn't work for my kids, and I haven't seen many that it does work for. Sitting on a step for a few minutes doesn't phase them at all. The eldest one just laughs and the middle one refuses to stay put. The youngest is way too young for any form of punishment and she's a little angel at the moment anyway! We tried the 'naughty step' thing for about 6 months and it was a complete waste of time. If anything they misbehaved more often.

When I speak to other parents about it, quite a few of them use the 'naughty step' method (Supernanny has a lot to answer for) and most of their kids are obnoxious and very difficult to control once they start to misbehave. Sitting on a step is hardly a punishment. If that's the worst you can offer your kids as a punishment then you're doing it wrong in my opinion. Going easy on your kids everytime is almost the same as telling them they can do whatever they want as far as I'm concerned.

A good example. I help out with my local football team as my eldest is in the U7's team and on a trip to an away match last weekend I sat in the back with my eldest and one of the other boys. The other boy spent half his time trying to get into my jacket pocket to take a chocolate bar I'd bought for my eldest to have after the match. I told him to stop it a number of times. His mum was sitting in the front passenger seat and did nothing. Then he got a bottle of 'Coke' and tipped some of it over my eldest. His mum said he'd be getting the naughty step treatment if he was naughty again. He managed another 30 seconds or so without misbehaving. He started trying to get back into my jacket pocket again. Well that was it for me. I told him if he misbehaved again he'd be in a lot of trouble (and gave him a proper glare for good measure). Worked a treat. He sat still all the rest of the way there. Sometimes that's all you need. The unspoken promise of big trouble....

Of course smacking shouldn't be a regular thing, it should be a last resort, and I appreciate there will be people out there that have totally different opinions to myself and will say I'm barbaric for smacking my kids once in a blue moon when they've overstepped the mark, but my kids will be brought up the way I consider appropriate and if that means the odd smacked bum for being particularly naughty then that's the way it'll be.

balletshoes

OP I think you've just hit the hardest years - both of them heading into the terribles!

I only have the one, so I have no direct experience to give you, although when my DD and my niece were little and they were squabbling with each other I'd give them one warning that if they didn't stop and play nice together they'd be separated and the toy in question would be taken from both of them for the day. If they were still fighting, then I'd follow through with that and they would be separated (even if it was just at opposite ends of the kitchen table) and given a picture book or colouring book.

After the terribles had passed with my DD, and she was into the age of being able to reason with her, my discipline has always been (and still is) 2 warnings and then withdrawal of treats/ earlier bedtime curfew etc.

freda

I have a 3.5 year old and a 5 year old.

Although we don't have a naughty step as such, if either does something inappropriate, they are lifted straight into the corner and it is made very clear they are in disgrace. It is the emotional impact of feeling in disgrace that makes them cry, scream and kick out, but that is the desired effect as far as I am concerned. If they don't stay there, they have always been put back from day 1 and they now rarely leave. After a minute or so, once the crying has changed from fury to sadness, I'll tell them what they did wrong, ask them to tell me what they did wrong and then say sorry with a kiss and hug. No more is usually said of the event, things carry on as usual.

If the children fight or argue over a toy, it gets put straight away in a box out of sight till the next day (by which time they have usually forgotten about it, and don't even notice it is back).

Having said all that, I rarely need to discipline my children - I think I'm lucky that they are fairly good little souls really! I am a big fan of positive praise, catch them being good etc. Also of distraction and removing things that are tempting for bad behaviour. I also try to tell them what they _should_ be doing, not what they shouldn't. Instead of saying 'don't jump on the bed' I may say 'beds are for sleeping in, but you can have fun jumping on this cushion here'. I also try to encourage caring behaviour between siblings, they rub the other one better if they get a bump, give each other a hug and say thank you to each other for being nice. Making sure they are not too tired is good for encouraging positive behaviour too.

I find counting to three very useful too. The first times you do it, you _must_ follow through and do what you say you will. My son's dinner went in the bin once when we were starting this tactic. After a couple of times, they'll know you mean business and mine usually stop if I even say '1' now. If I get to 3, I don't get cross but just physically remove them from the toy/situation and make them do what I asked.

I've never smacked. I'd not rule it out but the rule in my head is to only do it if I feel in full control of my emotions, so that I know I'm not lashing out physically due to rage.

Blimey, it makes me sound as if I've got two angels! I haven't, but I am pleased that they are, on the whole, loving, caring, polite and well behaved.

rosie383

I think that Freda and GrA76 have both got it right.
My only advice is- FOLLOW THROUGH EVERY SINGLE TIME! If you threaten, do it. The only time you don't, is when you actually stop and think, and realise that you were wrong. Happens to all of us, especially when they are a bit older.
Also, if one kid is misbehaving, don't penalise both, if possible. I know that is not always do-able.
Above all, enjoy your kids as much as possible. I've seen too many times with people, when they don't have any control over their kids, the kids turn into complete brats, and even their parents can't enjoy being around them. That's really sad.

ETanny

I have a 4yr old (and seven week old - although she doesnt need much disciplining at the moment lol). Most of the time shes well behaved, but like all children she has days where she trys pushing her boundries more then normal and the stern voice and the 'look' doesnt work. The naughty step worked for us for about 18 months. (its stopped working in the past 3 months or so) My DD HATED it with a passion. We have started doing 2 warnings and taking away favourite toys/treats That seems to be most effective right now when she is being really naughty. .
I have to agree with the follow through with the treats. Too many times do I hear 'If you dont stop it xyz this will happen' they carry on and nothing happens.
Also, a big thing for me is making sure you and your OH are on the same page when it comes to dicipline. Make sure mum and dad do the same thing and again are both consistant.

Caroline73_2

Follow through with any punishments threatened.
Be consistent.
Agree with your partner.
Explain why behaviour is wrong.
Pick your battles.

I never shout or scream at my children, they're almost always well behaved. I have a look which signifies start behaving.

Their only bad behaviour is squabbling over the games console really. My rule is that I catch any squabbling about it I will.switch it off, no warning, no time to save their game etc. I think that's happened about 4 times. They usually set a timer now.

Picking your battles is obvious to me. I have a friend who gets stressed when her kids don't wear what she wants them to wear and it sets the tone for the rest of the day. Why have a battle as long as the clothes are appropriate to that days activities and weather?

I also have brought my children up to 'make the sensible choice'. I say things like 'are you going to tidy your room or leave it risk me vacuuming up your Lego?' They think tidying their room is their decision then.

room512

I have no children of my own but am a teacher with a Nursery class (so 40+ 3 and 4 year olds!) Needless to say I see first hand the results of good and bad parenting!
Just repeating what most of the others have said -
-Always carry out what you threaten them with so don't make the punishment impossible to carry out (eg I'll send you to bed early for a month is unrealistic to carry out)
-Make the punishment immediate (if possible) especially with younger children as they won't understand hours later what they have done wrong
- Don't shout at children, it just winds both of you up! (easier said than done I know!!!
-Praise good behaviour all the time! This works especially if you have one doing what you want and the other isn't! The one misbehaving will usually switch behaviour, again this is usually with younger children
That's what I find works but above all fairness and consistency!

sassyblue

I have a 5 year old and the 'naughty step' never worked - what did however, was the 'thinking spot'. It's exactly the same but l guess he didn't like to think he was naughty - even if he was.

I gave him a warning, counted to 3 and if he was still doing what he shouldn't l took him to the thinking spot and sat there with him ignoring him if l had to (he sometimes would try and get off the thinking spot and l won't fart about putting him back on it 20 times like supernanny advises). One minute for every year of his age. Then l explained why he was put there asked for an apology and kiss and hug and forget about the incident.

Every child is different though, you just need to find what 'clicks' for your child and that will change as they get older, with mine now l give a warning and then say l will withdraw all treats for a week.

He doesn't get treats all the time but the threat they're going works wonders. :rotfl:

Always carry out your threats too, highly important! and as other advise, pick your battles.

I don't smack my child, l did once or twice but l think the warning/thinking spot worked better, l don't even need to shout if l raise my voice now my little one hates it, don't get me wrong he's not an angel for me all the time - but for others he is so l know l'm getting it right.