How do you discipline your children?

warehouse

Already been said, but following through with threats is the number one reason for well behaved and happy kids, (and parents). Common sense also helps!

Seanymph

I would like to pick up on something in your post OP.

You said that you have to punish/react the same with both of them according to your child.

Well, your child doesn't get to make decisions, or hold you accountable, because you are in charge.

I had two very VERY different children 15 months apart - and no, it's not fair, life isn't fair either, is a lesson learnt.

As is 'sometimes things don't look fair, but they are' or 'things often don't look fair, but we don't know everything involved'.

I try to be fair - being fair doesn't always mean doing the same things with both of them. One will always get opportuntiies the other won't, but it evens out. One will work better for positive attention, one will want time alone......

Don't be blinkered by a child who will use that to attack your being in charge.

Things don't always have to be equal to be fair.

conradmum

I think it's important to remember that discipline is as much about what you do when the children aren't being naughty as when they are. You need to model the behaviour you expect, e.g. no shouting, no whining, no passive aggressiveness, just simple, clear statements. And you need to do nice things with them, not just pay attention to them when they misbehave (hard to do when you're stressed and tired I know.)

In your scenario, OP, I wouldn't have put the 3 year old to bed while the 1 year old was still awake. I think that's just asking for trouble. Do your children get bedtime stories? The threat of no story is a good one for promoting good behaviour at this time.

FBaby

I try to use discipline in a similar way we deal with it as adults, ie. teaching them there are consequences for every action.

My DD picked up on that concept very quickly, always thinking ahead, so has always tended to self-discipline herself and needed little from me but reminding her sometimes. My DS was a complete different matter. He was a nightmare toddler, open to anger bursts, kicking, screaming etc... I had to work really really hard for months to get him to the stage where he also responded to discipline.

As others have said, I have found that the absolute best discipline method is to follow through on threats. It does take some time to work, long enough for it to sink in that there is no way around it, but once it does, it is really efficient. My DS is now 9, and most of the time, I just have to say what the consequences will be, he will express his anger (but contained) and after a few minutes calming down (and during that time I leave him to it), he will get on with what I've asked him to do without a fuss.

My other recommendations would be:
- tried to apply threat in as much of a calm voice as possible. I have found that to be trickiest part, but it does make a real difference in my DS response. Sometimes just stepping away for a few minutes and coming back really helps.
- I have taught my kids to listen. I have been amazed how many kids seem totally unable to do so. This means getting to their level, calming them down, making eye contact and asking them to listen. It means listening to them too which as parents we often forget to do.
- Listening to them doesn't mean allowing them to argue non-stop until they get their way. I usually allow them to make their case, but if I am adamant I want them to do something, I cut it out quickly.
- Do allow the kids to have some control, the level depending on their ages. I often tell my kids what I want them to do, but do give them some freedom around the time for them to do it (never more than a few hours though!). If they don't, the consequences apply, but that teaches them to organise their time and make them feel a bit in control.
- be prepared to compromise sometimes. Although as a parent, we are the 'boss', children are still humans, they can still be right at times and us wrong, and it is important to show them that we can re-evaluate and make some changes to our decisions just not too often!
- let an angry child the chance to let the anger out, just try to teach them to do so in a non destructive manner. My DS usually rushes in his bedroom, screams and cries his eyes out. That's fine with me. After 5 minutes, he usually calms down and will apologise on his own. It is important to let him channel his frustration. He used to slam doors, I have told him I didn't mind the screaming away from me, but not to destroy property.
- Some clever children can express especially bad behaviour because their thinking is on non stop. These children need to be challenged to their needs. My DS's behaviour went from really bad to very good once he was moved (earlier than normal) into the 'big kids' group. He needed the structure and putting his mind into learning academic skills really helped him. He became a complete child and by the time he started school, he was one of the best behaved child in his class.

Finally, I would say not to lose heart and give up if your toddler seems to be learning nothing. He is, it might just take a bit longer. I have seen so many horrible toddlers turning into lovely polite children, they are almost unrecognisable. The error that many parents make is to give up to quickly because they don't see the results they expect, or change discipline style regularly which only confuses the child. It usually takes months if not years for the full-effect to be seen. Be patient and stay positive. It is an utterly exhaustive process, but it really pays off in the end.

blue_monkey_2

Agree with most of this except the 'children are free spirits comment' in fact that made me laugh. A lot. LOL.

Anyhows, follow everything though and do not give in, a few weeks back a child at school was kicking stones, everyone was looking at him and the dad said 'xxx stop that' and the child turned and said 'no' and carried on and the dad just stood there. Tell me again why he is the class bully?

I remove the things they are playing with for the day. Turn the console off.

Mine are 8 and 9 now and my son has Autism and ADHD - if they fight I do not get involved unless I see blood otherwise I'd be constantly trying to separate them, if my son is being particularly annoying he will sit on one sofa and DD on the other. Early bedtimes are great (for me, LOL). Just the thought of one child staying up later than the other is enough to stop.

I remove the DS/wii/computer for the day so they cannot use it.

Tidying up they get asked and if they do not do it or finish I load everything into a box and tell them if it is not done by (usually 2 days) then I will be taking the box. Then I make a big fuss over them - my daughter, the first time ever, went and tidied her room of her own accord about 2 weeks ago, I was sooo proud of her and told her too, there is the incentive to do it again.

I will also ban them from the garden for a day (bit of a pain but you have to take away the things they love doing).

I also am a real meany and I threaten to fine them and I have done so in the past. I have given them some holiday money which has been changed into $$ and so I say if you do not behave I will fine you $5. LOL, I realise that will only work for the next few weeks til we get back but it works.

I have to say, Monday was a bit stressful because of the change in routine for my son but we have had a nice few days at home - could be the run up to going on holiday but they have been great this holiday so far and I have managed to get loads done. Consistency is the key, it really is.

Back to the OP though, it's about picking your battles. When mine were your age they used to get money for doing things without an argument. So in the mornings for getting dressed, hair brushed, teeth brushed and getting shoes and socks on they would get 1p for each thing. This worked really well and once we were in a routine they no longer expected the money and it was phased out but they would also get fined 1p if they really did not behave. It was a little different for us because of my sons condition and establishing a morning routine without a fight and we needed an incentive but there is no reason why it could not work for other children.

BitterAndTwisted

Kids of all ages need boundaries and if they don't have them their behaviour will show you that they are demanding it from you. When they are very small your disapproval should be your trusty weapon as punishment should not be necessary. Get this right now and you shouldn't need to shout, threaten or punish later.

Think about your standards of behaviour and be utterly consistent about what you're demanding of your children. Learn not to sweat the small stuff.

Bad behaviour has consequences. Explain what the consequences will be and always, always follow through if they are not adhered to.

Kids fight. If you can't bear to witness the aggro separate them. No blame, no intervention or negotiation, just "you can't be trusted to play nicely together so you can't be together right now". I'd be tempted to leave them to it as long as there's no blood drawn. Kids learn negotiating skills better if they're left to get on with it on their own. Keep intervening and they'll always look to you to solve their problems for them.

If all else fails: for littlies threaten them with Santa's elves who keep a keen eye out all year round for kids who are naughty and may not be getting any Christmas presents. Slightly older kids lose privileges because they're "not big enough to be trusted to behave nicely". Once they reach 11 or 12 if your disciplinary tactics have been poor in the past you've probably all gone past the point of no return.

CH27

Be consistant.
No means no.
Pick your battles.
Remember childhood is full of phases ie teething, tantums & they WILL pass:D

maman

Janepig wrote: »

Oh well, I shout, quite alot. Mainly because DS seems to have selective hearing (typical man). I smack, occasionally. Very occasionally, but if it's called for. DD is very well behaved, never had cause to worry about her, although she's started chopsing a bit at home and has a tendency to be a bit mean to her little brother when she thinks I'm not looking.

DS can be a livewire, but he's six and imo that's to be expected.

Jx

I'm sure it wasn't what you meant Janepig but that part of your post rung a bell with me. When you have more than one child it's really important to be fair and equitable. I hear 'boys will be boys' too often when sons are allowed to get away with murder. And it can be hard on the eldest being expected to set an example.

One technique that hasn't been mentioned much is distraction. So deliver your quick 'no' or whatever and then change the subject on to something else.

Closely linked to that is choices. It's all too easy to end up in a shouting match with your child. Parent and child get firmly entrenched. Children need a face saving way out (like adults). So instead of just saying 'No' offer alternatives. So instead of whining to get their own way (and you giving in) children have to make their mind up to go along with something you approve of.

Try whenever possible to speak in a calm, cheerful voice. I try only ever to shout/grab when there's some immediate danger.


I'd definitely echo these golden rules:

• loads of praise and hugs and smiles and 'catch them being good'
• always follow through on consequences (but don't threaten any that you can't/won't carry out)

*Louise*

I don't really need to use much with the boys - DS1 is 12 and pretty much behaves all the time, only getting in trouble when he forgets to do something or loses something so a small telling off is all that's needed. DS2 is similar, he used to be a handful aged 4 but is 6 now and if he doesn't do as he is told I just need to take away lego or cars and he learns from that.

DD is another thing altogether....she is 4, and I really think it's the worst age. She is too clever by far, bored to tears with nursery school and can often be found getting up to something she shouldn't be - usually leading to her kicking off about something. Her main punishment is being sent to her room where she can scream and bang without it annoying me too much. I have on occasion smacked her, although I really hate doing it, and once I lifted her out of bed at 11pm when she refused to go to sleep and told her she was going to sleep in the garden!! I never got as far as that but it gave her a fright.:o

She sounds like a nightmare, but she is lovely most of the time and I know that she will be fine once she starts proper school and is kept busy.

Janepig

maman wrote: »

I'm sure it wasn't what you meant Janepig but that part of your post rung a bell with me. When you have more than one child it's really important to be fair and equitable. I hear 'boys will be boys' too often when sons are allowed to get away with murder. And it can be hard on the eldest being expected to set an example.

I know what you mean, and it wasn't entirely what I was getting at. I do agree with the adage "boys will be boys" to a degree, in that I don't think you should compare them with girls and expect them, as a breed to behave like girls, as a breed. Obviously there are exceptions, but in my experience boys are more boisterous, etc...

However, I agree that it's not a licence to get away with murder and there are afew little $hites in DS's class whose parents have got zero control over them. The comment by another poster about the child whose father told him to stop kicking stones and was told no and then just let him get on with it, struck a chord because I see that frequently with the bullying kids in DS's class, and long term it's doing them no favours because they'll end up friendless. There are afew kids that DS won't play with because they're nasty, and he is a very sociable child who will normally play with anyone.

The other reason why I know it's not just a "boy" thing is because DS is just like I was as a child, and DD is quiet and more studious and takes after her father! DS's football coach has been a godsend for DS because he's really instilled some discipline in him and he's becoming a really good little footballer when I thought there was no hope early on because he was having trouble paying attention and concentrating on his training. I take him to gymnastics with his sister to the open class on weekends and he's just beyond, but I think this might be because you've got to have a bit more self discipline for gym really, and he's got none!!

Jx