Should I invite my mother...?

poet123

BugglyB wrote: »

Goodness this board is unreal sometimes. The OP posts some awful, really hurtful things her mother has done and the answer comes back - have you considered she might have a mental health problem? Well, clearly she does if shes telling her own children that her father is terminally ill! Have you considered helping her? The mind boggles. I'd love to hear from anyone who has real life experience of 'helping' someone like this to be caring and loving.

I really don't think that warning people in advance is a good solution. What will you do, send a note out with the invites?

OP I'm sorry you face such a difficult dilemna. There is a very good thread on the families board about narcissistic mothers that might be off help to you. I think really you have to offset what will be more upsetting to you - if mum comes and starts telling everyone you had an affair or whatever shes likely to do - or if you have to spend all day answering questions about where she is. What do your brothers think?

I assume this is aimed in part at me? The answer to your question is I have been in that position, and still am in that position, as I stated in my response. Ongoing for 31 years actually.

BugglyB

No poet 123 I did not see where you said your own mother had disbelieved you when you told her about your partner being abusive towards you. I did see where you said someone in your extended family has a mental health problem and you are the only one that cares for her and goes out with her in public - whilst that is admirable and difficult and commendable do you think the situations compare?

poet123

BugglyB wrote: »

No poet 123 I did not see where you said your own mother had disbelieved you when you told her about your partner being abusive towards you. I did see where you said someone in your extended family has a mental health problem and you are the only one that cares for her and goes out with her in public - whilst that is admirable and difficult and commendable do you think the situations compare?

Do you think that that kind of situation only arises in families where there are MH issues? Many parents can't envisage their SIL/DIL behaving as described and may disbelieve or think it has been exaggerated. That aspect may not be down to MH issues but personality/parental relationship with the person in question.

In any event it is not that kind of thing which the OP is worried about, it is rude, hurtful or offensive comments to family and friends, which I do have direct experience of.

So, whilst my situation and the situation you picked up on are not comparable they are also not relevant to the main reason why the OP is thinking about excluding her mother.

It may be relevant to you which is why you have focused on that specific point.

Mojisola

I have friends who invited his alcoholic mother to the wedding - they didn't want to but felt they had to. She behaved in the way they were worried about and completely ruined their day.

mixenvixen

Thanks everyone for your responses. It's particuly interesting to hear off people who were in a similar predicament and what they did and the effect of this.

I think in part this thread has become more of a mental health debate- so I think it should be remembered that although I believe my mother has BPD- she does not and will not get diagnosed.

I am probably quite a bit older than you are and I also have a Psychology
degree, so I would beg to differ that it is me who is seeing things from a
blinkered perspective. Added to that is the fact that I am not emotionally
involved here, either with your mother or the wedding and it all points to you
being the one who is seeing no grey areas I am afraid.

Thanks again for your opinions poet, it's nice to see there is an array responses as I wanted to see both sides.

I don't really see how you feel I am seeing no grey areas. I started this thread, because I was unsure what to do and can see how there is an array of right or wrong decisions. You see it as one rule for all people who have any sort of disability/ mental health problem and I see this as a black/white opinion. I don't see how my belief that there is no right of wrong answer and it to be circumstantial to be a 'blinkered perspective'. To honest you didn't really justify this statement apart from attacking my age.

Which in regards to my age- I don't really see how this has entitles my opinion to mean less than your own. You seem to have already suggested that we are equally educated. I have a proffesional job, my own home, a long term partner... so I don't really see how your age alone, should give your opinion more validity than my own. However who knows, maybe when I am your age I will also pass off younger people's opinion who differs from my own to be worth less. Rarther than just accepting the fact that regardless of age- as humans we have a right to different beliefs.

It's great that you make the effort to make your extended family feel welcome and as others have said comendable too. As said I have many other family members with both mental health and physical disabilities. I'm sure many people get embarassed by the way these people sometimes behave, however I do not and make a great effort to make them feel accepted and welcome. I think they are all individuals however and I don't think I could generalise the way I deal with each of them.

As I said before, though. Thank you for your opinion and I really did want an array of peoples thoughts. I think it's clear though that we disagree, so perhaps instead of arguing about who has a greater right to their opinion, we can just accept that as humans we have different beliefs- regardless of education and age.

POPPYOSCAR

mixenvixen have you come any closer to making a decision?

poet123

mixenvixen wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your responses. It's particuly interesting to hear off people who were in a similar predicament and what they did and the effect of this.

I think in part this thread has become more of a mental health debate- so I think it should be remembered that although I believe my mother has BPD- she does not and will not get diagnosed.

I do think the fact that she has no diagnosis is pertinent, for all we know she may just be a difficult individual who likes to cause hurt and upset. They do exist. However, if it is an illness, that does, or should, alter how she is treated and viewed, in my opinion of course.

mixenvixen wrote: »

Thanks again for your opinions poet, it's nice to see there is an array responses as I wanted to see both sides.

I don't really see how you feel I am seeing no grey areas. I started this thread, because I was unsure what to do and can see how there is an array of right or wrong decisions. You see it as one rule for all people who have any sort of disability/ mental health problem and I see this as a black/white opinion. I don't see how my belief that there is no right of wrong answer and it to be circumstantial to be a 'blinkered perspective'. To honest you didn't really justify this statement apart from attacking my age.

I see, so it is fine for you to say that I am short sighted and see things as black and white but not for me to mention (in my defence and as an explanation perhaps? ) that as I am older it is likely that I have more experience with this type of issue. It wasn't an attack, but it is interesting that you saw it that way. Being older is it not likely that I have more experience? (both personally and professionally as it happens)

I don't see anything as being the "rule" for those with MH issues, how could I? That label covers so many diverse conditions that such a thing would be impossible and unwise. I was merely offering another perspective as to how to address the particular issues you face with your mother, not giving a catch all solution for those with MH issues. Of course it is circumstantial, but you outlined those circumstances did you not? I responded to what you had written, so it was a little more specific that your response would suggest.

mixenvixen wrote: »

Which in regards to my age- I don't really see how this has entitles my opinion to mean less than your own. You seem to have already suggested that we are equally educated. I have a proffesional job, my own home, a long term partner... so I don't really see how your age alone, should give your opinion more validity than my own. However who knows, maybe when I am your age I will also pass off younger people's opinion who differs from my own to be worth less. Rarther than just accepting the fact that regardless of age- as humans we have a right to different beliefs.

I do seem to have touched a nerve here. I did not say that age confers more validity on opinion, it does offer a different perspective and that can be useful. Remember, you did ask for opinions.

mixenvixen wrote: »

It's great that you make the effort to make your extended family feel welcome and as others have said comendable too. As said I have many other family members with both mental health and physical disabilities. I'm sure many people get embarassed by the way these people sometimes behave, however I do not and make a great effort to make them feel accepted and welcome. I think they are all individuals however and I don't think I could generalise the way I deal with each of them.

I would agree wholeheartedly with that, but I do think that what comes across in your OP is that it is your day and you do not really want to have to deal with such issues even if that individual is your mother. Which is fair enough.

mixenvixen wrote: »

As I said before, though. Thank you for your opinion and I really did want an array of peoples thoughts. I think it's clear though that we disagree, so perhaps instead of arguing about who has a greater right to their opinion, we can just accept that as humans we have different beliefs- regardless of education and age.

I am not so sure that we do disagree really. If you truly think that your ties with your mother have irretrievably broken down for reasons you can be at peace with, then you should not invite her. If alternatively, deep down you attribute her behaviour to illness and have qualms about cutting her off because of that then you have more of a dilemma.

Whose feelings and needs do you put first?
Yours, your extended family, your OH, your immediate family? 'Twas ever thus with weddings I am afraid, you just have another factor to contend with.

I wish you well whatever you decide, and hope you have a lovely day which you will remember for all the right reasons.:D

mixenvixen

mixenvixen have you come any closer to making a decision?

I think in the end I will have to invite her. I will probably adopt some tactics - some of which others have suggested here, that we had already though of- such as pre warning some people (not on the invite!), putting her on a table with people she will be happy with and I have already talked to my bridemaids about perhaps seeing if they could make sure no-one is left alone with her for too long. I think as others have said, having her there will probably to some extent marr the day and I was hoping a little there would be some stories where people had invited a similar person where it had turned out okay.

My OH has suggested that perhaps, when I invite her I write her a letter explaining that she is only welcome if she will treat me and my other family members with respect. I know this may seem a little harsh, however I think it may help if I am consistent. She is an intelligent woman and I'm hoping that regardless of perhaps the way she believes she has behaved in he past, if I make it clear to her- she will understand how she is expected to behave to others on the day.
I am sure this will recieve a lot of backlash from other people- however this is the only way I can see of dealing with the situation in a way that will keep everyone happy. So please if anyone wants to have a go at me about this, please can you consider alternative ideas of dealing with the situation first- which I would really welcome.

POPPYOSCAR

For what it is worth I think you are being very sensible about this.

If I were in your shoes and I chose not to invite her I would be worrying that she would turn up anyway - at least by having her there she be kept an eye on!!

Try not to let it spoil your big day, these things have a way of working themselves out - you have to somehow let it all go over you to some extent at times. you will most probably be so excited on the day you will not even have time to think about her.

faerie~spangles

May I suggest that when you invite your mum, you add a plus one. Allowing her to bring someone she knows, could go some way in keeping her behaviour in check.

Try not to worry too much about what 'might' happen