Should I invite my mother...?

mixenvixen

I am in a total predicament with my family and my wedding and I don't know what to do.

My mother is a complete nightmare and we haven't talked in almost two years. She has always been pretty crazy, however previously it seemed to be just towards our close family and she was able to act reasonably normal in front of extended family and friends.

I still have a lot of love for my extended family and family friends so really want them to come and feel comfortable at my wedding. My original plan was to invite my mother and expected that we could be civil to each other throughout the day.

HOWEVER the past week has left me completly stressed and uncertain as to what to do. It's clear her behaviour has got worse and worse, to the point where I really don't think she stay normal in front of extended family either and I really don't want her ruining our day. It's easy to say don't invite her- however I then feel like I can't invite my extended family on her side or our family friends- who I really want there on the day.

I know you may think I am over exagerating so here is a list of a few things she has done- these are just the ones I can think of, off the top of my head.

*Told my older brother (bro #1) that my grandad was terminally ill (this was a lie).
*Chucked my 16 year old brother (bro #3) out the house because he wouldn't keep her affair with a man she met on the internet secret any more.
*Broke her wrist trying to smash up my dad's favourite clock.
*Told soliciters that my brother (bro #2) would need full time, life long care because of medical conditions to get 60% of my dad's house in their divorce (my brother is absolutly fine and lives at halls in university).
*Told my youngest brother (bro #4) that if he were to ever move out or leave her, she would become homeless.
*Continue to claim child support for several months for my brother (bro #3) after she chucked him out.
*When I got abused by my ex boyfriend she called me a liar.
*Since I have not talked to her repeatedly harrased me through e-mails, text messages, phone calls and letters.
*Shoved my Dad's cat in a box and left it on her door step- the cat later died.

To be honest her symptoms are completly classical of borderline personality disorder- look it up and you pretty much get a description of my mother. I'm just so stressed about it and don't know what to do. My OH and his family and my close family are completly fine with whatever decision I make, however I know for a fact my extended family wont be- as they don't see her on a regular basis, so don't really know what she's like/ who's she become. HELP!

whitewing

I didn't really want to invite my mum and dad to ours but it quickly became apparent that extended family and friends couldn't have coped with the idea of them not being there. Trouble is, very few people actually realise how bad/selfish they can be. They did ruin my enjoyment of the wedding quite a lot that didn't get quite made up for by the obvious joy of some of the others. I am still disgusted with them for being so selfish. Don't think you are going to be able to come up with a solution. You may invite her and she not turn up, or not invite her and she'd go anyway.

Skintski

You've had a tough time with your Mum it seems. I'm sure you still care for her even if you have no contact. However please remember that this is your wedding day and her presence should depend upon how YOU would feel if she was not to attend. Would you look back on it and regret not having her there? If the answer is no then I don't think she would be on my invite list if I were in your position particularly since your relationship is pretty much non existant. Don't invite her for someone elses sake is all I'm saying in a nutshell, it is your day and you should feel 100% comfortable.

bubbles0169

Only can decide that but if it was me no!
Is there someone in authority that can help at all a doctor or social services? I know you might not want to help her but you might feel for it, at least you will have tried then she might be well enough to come or if theres not enough time now when shes better you could have a blessing with her there

RainbowDrops

I think the importan question isn't should your Mum come to the wedding, but is there anything you can do to help her.
The things she's doing sound awful, but you say yourself it may be a psycological dissorder, so is there any way you can get someone to intervine medically?

eleanora_

You don't have to invite anyone you don't want to. We've left a couple of estranged family members off our guestlist for similar reasons to the ones you give above.

poet123

Are these people not ill though? We have someone in our extended family with MH issues and her daughters are, to put it bluntly ashamed of her and how she looks and speaks. They try to avoid inviting her to places, and both went abroad to get married, which I suspect was so that she would not be able to go. She is alone after having been divorced and but for us and her mother would not go anywhere or see anyone.

Illness, physical or mental is not a choice and it could happen to any one of, it could even be hereditary. As, in it could be any one if us next.

Hard though it sometimes is should we not be trying to help rather than exclude in cases such as this?

POPPYOSCAR

Have you tried explaining all this to your extended family? If not then I think you should.

If she were to cause trouble surely there would be someone who could remove her from the situation. If you do not invite her is she likely to turn up anyway just to cause a scene?

My mother was invited to an event, she refused to go but turned up on the night anyway,and pushed the cake on the floor. She was taken hold of by members of the family and taken home. The party continued on. I was told afterwards that the other guests thought she was one of the caterers and had knocked the cake over by accident!!.

whitewing

poet123 wrote: »

Illness, physical or mental is not a choice and it could happen to any one of, it could even be hereditary. As, in it could be any one if us next.

Hard though it sometimes is should we not be trying to help rather than exclude in cases such as this?

Yes I agree with you but also they do need to help themselves. I can't have my mum and MIL in the same room, which restricts family events. I have suggested my mum get counselling but she refuses, so I would leave her out of an event if she is not going to make an effort herself.

duchy

This isn't really about your wedding though.

It sounds like your Mum's mental stability has got worse due to other stuff going on in her life like dealing with the legalities and fall out of seperating from your Dad. TBH I'd be more concerned with the impact all this is having on your brothers who still live at home than some future wedding . Perhaps dealing with that more imediate issue is not only more sensible but will also solve the wedding question too if correct intervention can be found ?

POPPYOSCAR

whitewing wrote: »

Yes I agree with you but also they do need to help themselves. I can't have my mum and MIL in the same room, which restricts family events. I have suggested my mum get counselling but she refuses, so I would leave her out of an event if she is not going to make an effort herself.

I am with you on this.

I think it is petty and selfish to put someone in that position.(I am not going if they are there etc.). Invite who you want and let whoever turns up be there IMO.