Should I invite my mother...?

poet123

whitewing wrote: »

Yes I agree with you but also they do need to help themselves. I can't have my mum and MIL in the same room, which restricts family events. I have suggested my mum get counselling but she refuses, so I would leave her out of an event if she is not going to make an effort herself.

I know it is hard but there is also the perception of how much they can help, and how much they are "putting it on" if you like.

It can be very difficult to judge, so sometimes someone who seemingly won't help themselves actually can't. Conversely, of course, the opposite applies. Hard to judge where any individual lies on that scale.

whitewing

Yes, I forgot to say that the whole reason my mum can't cope with my MIL is entirely due to mum's mh (undiagnosed) issues and my father's attitude, so I don't blame my mum for finding it very difficult to cope with. I do have issues with the fact that obviously my mil is very important to my husband so it would be helpful if my mum didn't go barmy every time her name is mentioned, even if it is someone else with the same name, it is completely irrational. It would also be helpful if my dad didn't stir things up.

mixenvixen

Thanks everyone for your responses, some a little more helpful than others.

To reply to some of your inidividual responses (sorry I still can't work out how to do the quote thing!)

Is there someone in authority that can help at all a doctor or social services?
I know you might not want to help her but you might feel for it, at least you
will have tried then she might be well enough to come or if theres not enough
time now when shes better you could have a blessing with her there

This is something we as a family have already looked into. The advice we got was that she would have to get mental health advice and help herself. As she is not in immediate danger of harm, we can't exactly get her sectioned. Before we stopped talking I sat her down and told her that I felt she had some mental health issues, I listed my reasons as to why this was and said I would help her to get a doctors appointments, help that she needed. She refused to believe me, that she had a problem and wouldn't even go to the doctors for further help or clarification- not even to prove me wrong. As she does not physically harm my family, it is much more difficult to explain to authorities the extent of emotional abuse.

I think this pretty much covers rainbow drops question also.

Illness, physical or mental is not a choice and it could happen to any one
of, it could even be hereditary. As, in it could be any one if us
next.

Hard though it sometimes is should we not be trying to help rather
than exclude in cases such as this?

I get what you are trying to say and I know your intentions are good. I'm sorry about the situation with your extended family member and her daughters. However I think your opinion is perhaps a little short sighted, black and white. I have a degree in psychology, so am not exactly small minded when it comes to mental health issues. There are plenty of family members coming to my wedding with both mental health and physical coniditions. The big difference is, I don't feel those members and their conditions would harm other members of my family, while I feel my mother would be cruel and nasty. I have disabled people coming to my wedding- so I have disabled access. How exactly would propose I intergrate my mother into the wedding, bar canceling or radically changing my whole wedding for a woman I don't talk to.

There is also the other flip side of equal rights between disabled/ non disabled people in that, don't non disabled people have a right to enjoy the wedding too??? If my mother comes and is abusive and nasty to many wedding guests (or even just one for that matter), then surely there right to enjoy the wedding has been equally taken away?? I'm not talking about a person that is a bit 'odd', my mother sets out to emotionally hurt and abuse people.

This isn't really about your wedding though.

It sounds like your Mum's
mental stability has got worse due to other stuff going on in her life like
dealing with the legalities and fall out of seperating from your Dad. TBH I'd be
more concerned with the impact all this is having on your brothers who still
live at home than some future wedding . Perhaps dealing with that more imediate
issue is not only more sensible but will also solve the wedding question too if
correct intervention can be found ?

Thankyou for your reply, however I found it a little rude and insesitive. I am very concerned about the effect it has on my brothers- and I talk, visit, help them a lot- only one still lives at home- and am in talks a lot with my dad regarding how the issue could be resolved. I have done a lot of research into her issues, tried to persuade her to get help, talked to authorities. I didn't really feel this was relevant to talk about in this thread however, as I am not sure you have noticed but this is the 'wedding and anniversaries board', so I was not asking for advice on what to do about my mother- my concern on this particular board (as selfish as it may seem to care about 'some future wedding') was about the day, and how it will effect my family as a whole. Believe it or not I am able to think about and do other things too- other than constantly care for others. Sorry for my selfishness.

poet123

mixenvixen wrote: »

However I think your opinion is perhaps a little short sighted, black and white. I have a degree in psychology, so am not exactly small minded when it comes to mental health issues.

I am probably quite a bit older than you are and I also have a Psychology degree, so I would beg to differ that it is me who is seeing things from a blinkered perspective. Added to that is the fact that I am not emotionally involved here, either with your mother or the wedding and it all points to you being the one who is seeing no grey areas I am afraid.

However, you are correct in that I did/do mean well.:D

mixenvixen wrote: »

There are plenty of family members coming to my wedding with both mental health and physical coniditions. The big difference is, I don't feel those members and their conditions would harm other members of my family, while I feel my mother would be cruel and nasty. I have disabled people coming to my wedding- so I have disabled access. How exactly would propose I intergrate my mother into the wedding, bar canceling or radically changing my whole wedding for a woman I don't talk to.

Harm is subjective, if others are warned that your mothers condition is likely to mean/could mean she is offensive then people will understand and accept that she can't help it.

I can't give you a foolproof plan for integrating your mother into the wedding, but surely you could sit her with someone she likes, not necessarily on the top table even, if she and you would be happier with her being nearer an access point so that someone can gently take her out if she really behaved badly.

mixenvixen wrote: »

There is also the other flip side of equal rights between disabled/ non disabled people in that, don't non disabled people have a right to enjoy the wedding too??? If my mother comes and is abusive and nasty to many wedding guests (or even just one for that matter), then surely there right to enjoy the wedding has been equally taken away?? I'm not talking about a person that is a bit 'odd', my mother sets out to emotionally hurt and abuse people.

Non disabled people should be relied upon to understand if there are MH issues and especially if it is the Mother of the Bride. I don't think you are giving your guests enough credit if you think that her illness will ruin the day for them.

I think sometimes when planning a wedding we lose sight of the bigger picture and put unnecessary stress on ourselves because of that. She is your mother, and if you don't want her there because of her behaviour that is fine, if that behaviour stems from an illness then it becomes less clear cut imo. That said, it is of course your decision.

I hope it all turns out well whatever you decide.

johannalf88

poet123 wrote: »

Harm is subjective, if others are warned that your mothers condition is likely mean she is offensive then people will understand and accept that she can't help it.

Non disabled people should be relied upon to understand if there are MH issues and especially if it is the Mother of the Bride. I don't think you are giving your guests enough credit if you think that her illness will ruin the day for them.

.

I don't think this is entirely true. My OHs grandma suffers from dementia, and when I met her in the hospital she was soo rude about the nurses, the hospital, the fact that no-one comes to see her (even though we all do). I completely understood that it was the illness etc, but it didn't stop me from feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable- I am human after all! While I would never hold that against her personally, I would hate to feel uncomfortable on my wedding day, and hate for anyone else to feel that. I hope I never get used to someone being that rude, no matter the motivation.

poet123

johannalf88 wrote: »

I don't think this is entirely true. My OHs grandma suffers from dementia, and when I met her in the hospital she was soo rude about the nurses, the hospital, the fact that no-one comes to see her (even though we all do). I completely understood that it was the illness etc, but it didn't stop me from feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable- I am human after all! While I would never hold that against her personally, I would hate to feel uncomfortable on my wedding day, and hate for anyone else to feel that. I hope I never get used to someone being that rude, no matter the motivation.

So, what is the answer? Shut everyone away who may cause others to feel uncomfortable? Keep them away from milestone family events? I suppose that is one answer.

seashore22

Husband and I got married 27 years ago and the mother in law was not invited to wedding. This was at my OH request.

She is a paranoid schizophrenic and he was terrified that she would do something terrible at the wedding. She was perfectly capable of responding to the "any just cause" bit. We didn't feel too bad because she was on medication at the time and would have found the journey very difficult to manage.

In all these years she hasn't even mentioned the wedding. She is very self absorbed and it just didn't seem to feature on her radar.

Sometimes you have to make decisions that "normal" families would find a bit heartless. Hope you sort it out.

Edit - mivenvixen - just read some of your responses and I can totally empathise with you. My husband's family have been in a similar position for over 40 years. The authorities are very slow to act on reports from family members. It is only when the general public is at risk that they will do something. My MIL also refuses to believe that there is anything wrong with her, despite being sectioned on numerous occasions, which has made dealing with her very difficult. My husband has a strong sense of duty to his mum, but her behaviour has pretty much eroded any love. It's very sad.

johannalf88

poet123 wrote: »

So, what is the answer? Shut everyone away who may cause others to feel uncomfortable? Keep them away from milestone family events? I suppose that is one answer.

Every situation has to be taken on its own merit. Each situation is different, each person is different.
Sometimes there may be a compromise, someone just coming to the evenin or ceremony etc, or sometimes you accept it one way or the other. I just don't think it is a simple or easy answer.

BugglyB

Goodness this board is unreal sometimes. The OP posts some awful, really hurtful things her mother has done and the answer comes back - have you considered she might have a mental health problem? Well, clearly she does if shes telling her own children that her father is terminally ill! Have you considered helping her? The mind boggles. I'd love to hear from anyone who has real life experience of 'helping' someone like this to be caring and loving.

I really don't think that warning people in advance is a good solution. What will you do, send a note out with the invites?

OP I'm sorry you face such a difficult dilemna. There is a very good thread on the families board about narcissistic mothers that might be off help to you. I think really you have to offset what will be more upsetting to you - if mum comes and starts telling everyone you had an affair or whatever shes likely to do - or if you have to spend all day answering questions about where she is. What do your brothers think?

BugglyB

One thing is for sure OP, you dont need anyones permission not to invite her. If you do decide not to, dont apologise for it, come up with a short explanation and stick to it. Something honest like 'mum and I aren't in contact at the moment so I didn't see it appropriate to invite her'. Enlist the support of your and OH close family to answer questions about it in a similar manner and cut short any speculation or questions. Also consider writing mum a letter to explain because of how you feel about a b and c she wont be invited.

Good luck whatever you decide x