Hoping to find poem from a Doris Stokes' book ref special children

moneypuddle

Aggh dont send her that!

kingfisherblue

I have a child who was born with a long list of problems. He has Down's Syndrome and was born with four rare, life threatening conditions. He was given four hours to live on the afternoon he was born, but had surgery at nine hours old and thankfully survived. He is now 14, still with a list of medical problems, but I love him to bits.

'Welcome to Holland' is a more suitable reading than anything by Doris Stokes. i would have been insulted if soemone had sent me a poem by a medium - it sounds as though you are expecting the baby to die. Even if this is likely, the parents will not need reminding. Theuy might not even believe in any form of afterlife.

I couldn't really get my head around 'Welcome to Holland' at first. It took me a long time before I could read it with any form of enjoyment. I'm not even sure that enjoyment is the right word. Maybe I mean acceptance. I don't know.

For me, when my son was born, the baby cards and gifts were truly appreciated. They told me how much people cared, especially those from people that I didn't know well. My neighbour's church sent me flowers and a card, although I wasn't a Methodist. My manager's mum added my son's name to the prayer list and updated those within her church of his progress. Customers at the shop where I worked sent bootees and babygros (too big for his premature body, but the thought was there, and he grew into them).

A card, possibly with a gift if you can afford one, will be apppreciated. You are then saying 'welcome to the world', rather than, 'maybe you won't survive'.

If you are able to afford a small gift for the parents as well, hand cream would probably be appreciated (hospitals dry your hands terribly). You could also consider a basket of tasty non-cook snacks - dried fruit, yoghurts, those coffee filters that sit on top of the cup, chocolate digestives, anything that can be eaten quickly without the parents having to leave their baby for long. I hated leaving my son in Intensive Care and later in Special Care, to go and eat, but parents need to keep their strength to help them through the time that they are facing.

I wish the baby and his/her family well. I hope that the baby makes a full recovery from any problems, but if not, I hope they have a life fuull of love and laughter, as my children have brought for me.

Nicki

It took me about a year after finding out about my DD's disabilities to appreciate Welcome to Holland too, and I don't think I would ever send it to a newly diagnosed parent, but have shared it with friends who don't have disabled kids who wonder what looking after one is like.

I also didn't like either of the two Doris Stoke poems.

My own view is that in times of bereavement or other bad news, you want to hear the words of your friend genuinely meant and from the heart, not the words of a stranger posted by your friends. For that reason, I never buy cheesy sympathy cards with a poem inside, but just a plain card in which I write a personal letter. So although it is hard to write these kinds of cards, OP I think you have to bite the bullet and do so, because any commercial poem you choose may well convey a completely different message to the recipient to the one you intend.

dizziblonde

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

We had a baby with "a lot of problems" as many on here will know! The best sentiments I got were Congratulations on having our baby - because I wanted to celebrate the fact that he was alive, not focus on the problems that would follow him in his life.

I have to say that I welled up reading Marisco's quoted poem in the second post

I'd agree with this. While our little girl was thankfully born without any problems we know of as of yet - she did come so prematurely that she had a stint in the NICU and had to be tube fed for a good week or so... and the thing that hurt me the most was that everyone else on the ward got congratulations from the staff and people about THEIR baby - but I didn't... made me feel like I'd given birth to some kind of mistake or something (it still hurts me now if I'm honest - she was as beautiful and as special as any of the "normal" babies)

Just congratulate them - no poems or platitudes or doing it differently - it's still their baby and something to celebrate.

stiltwalker

Another parent of a disabled child here and while we didn't know at first I would have hated the poems - I'm sorry and I do appreciate the spirit in which you are wanting to send them though and applaud you for that. Just send a normal card, what your friends will really need in the weeks and months to come is support, both emotional and practical and this will be worth way more than any poem.

There may be a time an a place for 'Welcome to Holland' but I wouldn't say it is yet. I find it very useful use to explain to people with neurotypical children, or none at all quite how different our world can be at times but how there are also wonderful moments, even if sometimes we celebrate slightly different things or it takes slightly longer.

MidLifeCrisis_3

marisco wrote: »

Could this possibly be the one you are looking for

You weren't like other children,
And God was well aware,
You'd need a caring family,
With love enough to share.

And so He sent you to us,
And much to our surprise,
You haven't been a challenge,
But a blessing in disguise.

Your winning smiles and laughter,
The pleasures you impart,
Far outweigh your special needs,
And melt the coldest heart.

We're proud that we've been chosen,
To help you learn and grow,
The joy that you have brought us,
Is more than you can know.

A precious gift from Heaven,
A treasure from above,
A child who's taught us many things,
But most of all "Real Love"

Thank you I'm pretty sure that is the poem I remember.

MidLifeCrisis_3

I personally feel that the birth of any child deserves to be celebrated regardless of any special needs and had already sent her a congratulations card and a gift for the baby. I just wanted to see the poem again to see how I felt about it. It's very unlikely that I will send it, but I appreciate it that it's been posted so I have been able to read it again. It's a beautiful poem, which if I remember correctly, was not written by Doris Stokes, but by a parent like you or I and was included within her book as she had given this particular parent some solace somewhere along the way.

Once mum and baby are home I will visit, but at the moment it's not possible as visitors are limited and she has a large family who must come first. In the meantime, I continue to offer my support for anything she or her family need.

Under no circumstances would I have sent the first poem as it's totally inappropriate. Having lost a child through miscarriage myself I know how hard it can be, I purely shared it on here as someone will possibly appreciate it for whatever reason. I've never heard of Welcome to Holland before.

MLC

kingfisherblue

Link for Welcome to Holland, in case you want to read it:

http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html

As you can't visit at the moment (and I agree, family comes first), maybe you can text your friend daily - you might already be doing this. One of my friends' daughters was in hospital last year, in another town. Although I maanged to visit every other day (never when family was due), I sent texts in between and my friend has told me how much she appreciated them. She felt in limbo in hospital, and so many people didn't contact her. Just receiving a text gave her a boost.

When I was able to visit, I took fresh rolls and soup from a good bakery near my house, with a cake for afterwards. The family are vegetarian and both parents welcomed a veggie soup and something scrummy, as a change from the very limited meals available to them in the canteen. I was also able to stay with their daughter whilst they had lunch together - they asked me if this was possible, as they both needed a short break away from the ward, and most of the time they took a break separately.

The child concerned has special needs and is older, but the parents concerns were still there. Fortunately, surgery was successful and helped some of her physical disabilities.

I hope the little one and her parents are doing okay x

luxor4t

I know my recent experiences are very far from the OP's situation but 'welcome to Holland' has chimed in with the major life change DH & I have just begun to live through.
Thank you.

JC9297

Having a disabled son I appreciate Welcome to Holland, but I wouldn't have wanted someone to send it to me in the early days, I wouldn't have wanted to be reminded that I'd never go to Italy IYSWIM.

I really hate the suggestion that disabled children are sent to 'special' parents because they will care for them. We had a son, he turned out to be disabled, we love and care for him and fight to make sure he has the best life he can, end of story. He was not sent to us because God knew that we were up to the job, that is absolute rubbish.