Help Boyfriends double life has dragged me into his mess

PasturesNew

Bex1983 wrote: »

Any advice welcome.

Take your money and walk..... this man's not the type you want to be saddled with.

ss3n08

I think Hannyboy makes some really good points and obviously only you know what your relationship was like before this and whether you feel you can trust him again x

Hannyboy2006

PasturesNew wrote: »

this man's not the type you want to be saddled with.

Oh you know this do you??... Exactly the rubbish i'm talking about!

mildredalien

With respect hannyboy - you have no better idea what her boyfriend is thinking or feeling about the situation than anyone else who has responded does. It may be that he is crying into his pillow at night and desperately wanting to do something about the debt but feeling trapped and stressed. It may be that he is a chancer that will do anything to sponge off other people and not have to take responsibility. He could be anywhere in between!

Bex asked if it is normal for people in debt to lie for that long or to such an extent. Well, maybe. My ex lied to me about his level of debt until it was at a point where he couldn't manage it and had to ask for my help. I know I've never lied about my debts, although I didn't face up to them properly and I was always in the fortunate position of being able to at least pay the minimums. Would I want to be in a relationship with someone who had lied about debt and wasn't facing up to it? Probably not having been through what I have...

My main advice would be to think carefully about becoming even more financially linked to this person until he has proven himself trustworthy with money. If you can sit down and talk frankly and openly about the situation (and he can then put his money where his mouth is as it were and follow through on any promises/agreements) then maybe there is a future. Maybe it's just not worth it, only Bex will know!

Hannyboy2006

Which is exactly what I am suggesting.... Don't write him off before you have known the full truth.
People have been very quick on here to judge someone's character against the amount of debt they carry...

Hannyboy2006

The relationship other than the debt sounds stable from what Bex is suggesting. The likelihood that the debt has gotten the better of him rather than the fact he may be a 'chancer' sounds far more feasible at this stage to me...

tallyhoh

ha, wish I had listened to other people when my OH got us into debt & nearly evicted 27 years ago. Oh gosh, did he cry into his pillow every night - right up till he did it again a few months later & then again a few months after that, as a matter of fact he's been doing it all along, currently owes £60,000, spent on buying crap for himself.
Having children I'm trapped & cant just walk away or they would be devastated.
Thank very carefully before continuing this relationship.

suburbanwifey

tallyhoh wrote: »

ha, wish I had listened to other people when my OH got us into debt & nearly evicted 27 years ago. Oh gosh, did he cry into his pillow every night - right up till he did it again a few months later & then again a few months after that, as a matter of fact he's been doing it all along, currently owes £60,000, spent on buying crap for himself.
Having children I'm trapped & cant just walk away or they would be devastated.
Thank very carefully before continuing this relationship.

I agree. Whilst I agree Hannyboy's post is endearing and looking at it from their point of view, sympathy has to be felt. BUT and its a big but, the OP has to think about her future.

Realistically, if he can lie so easily about debt (not all partners lie about their debts, reading posts on this forum regularly tells me that) what else will he lie about so very easily? People who let themselves slip into the levels of debt that the OP has slipped into, rarely change. They seek sympathy when caught and rarely learn lessons from such things. Their lives are full of chaos always and they do and will happily drag their loved one's down with them.

I think the majority of advice on here has been very wise. Rooting for the underdog will not in any way help the OP. I hope she is smart enough to help herself and move away from the toxicity this guy she is embroiled with brings. You only have one life and ending up badly in debt, losing homes, a trashed future etc. they all take decades to recover from. Is he really worth that sacrifice? She loves him obviously, but seriously, what is there to love? a total lack of respect for her well being, happiness and future security?

We are all just strangers on here mostly, but all give advice they think fitting to the problem at hand.

suburbanwifey

hannyboy2006 wrote: »

The relationship other than the debt sounds stable from what Bex is suggesting. The likelihood that the debt has gotten the better of him rather than the fact he may be a 'chancer' sounds far more feasible at this stage to me...

A relationship built on lies is not stable. A future riddled with debt collectors, no money and poverty will not remain stable, even if it is now. Stability means more than this man offers.

quantic

Two friends of mine where going out and the guy started to get into a load of debt, nobody knew at the time and he kept it secret from her. Eventually he told her and they tried to work through it together, she was very accepting of it etc etc. They started saving for a house in a savings account that was set up in his name. He started the spending again but instead he used the money from their savings account.

She didn't find out until it was all gone. He is a decent guy, just needed a bit of help and I think her being so accepting with it the first time didn't teach him the lesson he needed to stop. They are separated now and don't even speak to each other, I think they would probably be married with kids now if it wasn't for these stupid mistakes on his behalf.

My advice to you would be to not base any decisions you make on him being a good guy or not because thats sometimes irrelevant. You need to be 100% sure he won't lie again and is changed in his ways, otherwise walk away or you may waste the next few years of your life.