Help Boyfriends double life has dragged me into his mess

Bex1983

Hello,

I have just found out my boyfriend of two years has been lying to me. We rented in his name although i was on the contract as I did not have a job at the time. He paid all the bills and I got and job and helped out. After a year he said that the land lord wanted the house back so we had to move out and decided to save with family and save up.

He paid house keeping, food and the storage of our furniture, I agreed to saved all my wage. I saved the deposit and we had an offer accepted on a house and he had already got a mortgage pre approved and everything seemed great. He proceed to get full approval. It was taking ages and I was getting concerned so I asked for the brokers email and number and eventually he gave me it.

I emailed the broker asking what was going on and to my horror my boyfriend had set up a fake account and emailed pretending to be the broker. I confronted him and he admitted it and said that he had got into debt and we couldnt get a mortgage. He admitted that we had not been approved by 3 lenders because of his debt and bad credit. I have no debt to my knowledge.

I now realise that we were evicted from the house and there are still outstanding bills addressed to him. He has taken out payday loans and other short term loans . He has missed payments on the loans and on the storage of our furniture and I am down as a contact but bill is in his name. I can't believe it especially as I could have helped him. Hislies had got out of control and I and my and his family are in shock. We all had no idea he was in debt. He never used to sleep and blamed it on work - he was dismissed. Although he said it was unfair, it seems that it was due to his preformance and that he had been reckless with quotes and was making no profit amongst other things. He now has just started a new highly paid job in same area that's even more high pressure. He is very charming and this is his third job since we been together for 2 years. He was paid to leave the first job but he said it wasn't his fault.

I asked him many times if he needed me to help out with money and he just said all was fine.

We all thought he was great and reliable. I don't know the extent of his debt and can't take is word for anything as he has lied so much to me friends and family.

He said he just 4k in debt, but for the extent of his lies it doesn't make sense because that can easily be sorted. I said that he needs to provide hard evidence to the extend of his debt - what is the best way to find out the total damage reliably?

Also because I was on the renting contract, has that effected my credit rating? Has the mortgages not being approved also effected me? All of the things were happening without my knowledge.

I feel sick. I have never been in debt - Is it normal for people who get in to debt to lie to this extreme and for this long?

Any advice welcome.

Thanks (sorry for such a long post)

bexiboo92

Hi,

I don't know about whether it will effect your credit rating and things, but i do know that once a little white lie is told these escalate beyond belief. He shouldn't have lied to you, but he probably told you one "small" lie and meant to tell you the truth but never did.

Fair enough he's your boyfriend, but he's not your responsibility and neither are his debts. I'm in debt myself and it's taken me 6months to really face the truth and start dealing with it. It's going to take him time; if you think he's lying about how much he owes, sit down with him and write a letter to each of his creditors asking for a statement of how much he owes.

Just remember this isn't your debt and it isn't your responsibility to pay it off; it's his.

[Deleted User]

Your credit will most likely be impacted, this is because you are now linked due to the applications that you made for the mortgage (if nothing else previously)

So each time you are now credit checked, his history will impact any decisions taken by lenders. This also works the other way around.

I don't know about the rent account as the reality is that most people that let houses don't record information with a credit ref agency and it's quite a new idea as far as I am aware.

So in short yes you have been impacted, but it's not permanent, you could complete a short form so that you are no longer associated and therefore are not impacted at this current time. Your mortgage applications will be a small negative but not anything like the missed payment or your links to your boyfriend.

Hope that helps but I don't think you have a great deal to worry about, only the fact that you now need to make a decision on what to do with his debts and situation. Don't forget it's only 6 years until it drops off (if we are talking defaults) and then you may just be back where you wanted to be.

LunaLady

Do you feel like you can continue the relationship? This isnt just a few lies your BF has told but real pre-meditated deceit.

poppy10_2

He managed to hide the fact that you were getting evicted from your house? I know you say he is charming but it sounds like he has been able to completely pull the wool over your eyes. You can't believe anything he says now.
Even now you seem to believe he was paid to leave his first job and it wasn't his fault.

You need to get rid of him, quick. You might think you love him but he has showed utter contempt and lack of respect to you by his repeated lies and deceit towards you. You've already taken a hit by having your credit rating harmed by the joint application. There's absolutely no way you should be contemplating helping him out with debts.

Move on, you'll be glad you did.

ben80

You need to think a lot about your relationship. None of us know him, so can't really accurately comment.

From my point of view (I'm a man, I have a partner who doesn't know I'm on a DMP... yet) I can see what he's been playing at. I have to say I have never been evicted - the worst that I have done is not paid enough to Halifax for a few years. It took me 2 years to actually admit to myself that had a problem and a further 4 months to act upon it. I was so ashamed and to this day no-one in my life (except one close friend, go a bit drunk one night!) knows my situation. It's the embarrassment. It's also the charity aspect... I don;t want it. I did this to myself and want to fix it myself.

I'm not excusing his lies, I'm just trying help you to relate to 'the other side of the story.' I'm familiar with sleepless nights and I have the same amount of hair now as my dad - he's 66, I'm 31.

It's a tough decision, but it's yours to make.

Bex1983

Thanks for resonses. I know I could never trust him again. The lies are to extreme - also can he even hold down a job to realistically pay back what he owes. I don't want to pay for his mistakes. I will seek advice for myself.

I can forgive debt - every one makes mistakes and I can see why you would hide it and try and get it under control. But this went on for 2 yrs. I gave up my freedom lived with his nan to save up for a house. I finally thought the hard work had paid off and we would have a place of our own and happy future, then I was hit by his bomb shell.

I still don't understand how he got in debt. He earns a lot of money and I have seen his pay checks. We didn't have a lavish lifestyle. I dread to find out where all the money has gone.

What a difference a day makes. Ive gone from nearly achieving my dream life - house and loving boyfriend to moving back in with my mum and the reality that I'm 30, single and messed up.

To ben80, just face your debt and the fact your not in control of it. Except at first it will come as a shock to others, but it is better to confess before you get found out. My boyfriend started obessively buying lottery tickets, i guess in the dream hope that he would win and the mess would go away. A miricle is not going to happen, so the sooner you confide the better. Also go to your GP about your sleep as its a sign of depression and they can help with emotional stress to give you strength to face your fear.

Primavera_2

Hi Bex, Really sorry to hear about your situation. It must be really tough for you right now.

You have just mentioned your boyfriend was buying multiple lottery tickets. Do you think that he may also have a gambling problem that he is hiding? It might explain where some of the money went.

ben80

Primavera has a point.

Bex - thanks for the concern, I'm sleeping a lot better now and am debt free from Feb/March. The hard days are over and it seems plain sailing till then. I will tell my OH, but when I'm sure I won't have my debts paid for me. We are not linked financially for this reason, so minimal risk.

Bex1983

I wouldn't be surprised if he had got that desperate. He has totally lost his ability to rationalise and be realistic and as time went on his lies and solutions to hide and remedy his debt got more delusional and deceitful. The debt kept growing ......as did the need to lie. He has basically driven himself mad. Seriously messed up and he obviously needs help, not just financially but psychologically as well.

Just can't get my head around it.

ben80

I've only been active on here for a few weeks, but time and again I keep reading posts by ladies along the lines of "My partner doesn't deal with the finances" ... "He ignores it, I call the creditors." It seems a not-so-uncommon thing.

(Look at me, I'm not really doing anything for my gender am I?!)