Help Boyfriends double life has dragged me into his mess

amiehall

Ignoring finances etc is not in the same league as having you evicted from your home, posing as a mortgage broker, daily lies.

I can understand why someone wouldn't want to talk about their debts if they're embarrassed etc. But pretending to be a mortgage broker seems more like a mental illness or at the least signs of a pathological liar. It isn't equivalent to hiding a couple of bills.

Honestly if this was me, I'd be taking my savings and walking away from this. I couldn't spend my life with someone I couldn't trust.

I'd also be getting a copy of your credit reports to make double sure he didn't take anything out in your name.

lionheartedgirl

hi Bex1983,

saw your thread and HAD to post. I have been where you are, in fact a little further on in that we were 7 weeks from getting married when a phone call from my ex's best man came, and told me exactly what had been going on.

He was approx £35k in debt, which I had absolutely NO idea of, and had stolen from me and others in an attempt to make payments to people who were threatening him physically.

my old username was little_h so have a search for a couple of my threads if you want to see what was going on.

He was also very charming, very good at acting little boy lost when needed, and I was very vulnerable having come out of a divorce and trying to start again. He was a champion emotional abuser and almost 2 years on, I am just getting myself back on an even keel.

in terms of finding out the impact of his finances on your credit rating, as others have mentioned above, definitely get hold of your credit report from all the providers (3 I think) ASAP.

You can also do an online search of public records for CCJs registered against him although this costs per address (can't remember how I did it but my brother is a solicitor and pointed me towards it - if you do some googling you should find it).

You can also search the IVA/bankruptcy register online, this is free. After the wedding fiasco, my ex told me he had done an IVA but to this day there is no record of it, and he told me to my face that he had one even after I challenged him with the evidence.

As you say, my ex had very deep seated emotional problems which I never got to the bottom of. We had some relationship counselling after the wedding was cancelled, as I loved him very deeply and wanted to help him and forgive him if he could change. But unfortunately for whatever reason he couldn't, he was still lying to me and others, and 6 months after the wedding was cancelled, I told him it was over.

Many people go on to fix the problems and have a good relationship, but while I don't want to frighten you, I just wanted to share my experiences so you had an idea of what may be ahead.

I own my house (well, with a big mortgage) and my debt was under control. He was going to move in with me and come on the mortgage, but had he done this (which of course wouldn't have been approved due to his debt) I would have lost my home I think, especially if we were married. He kept making excuses about the mortgage application too, 'couldn't find' payslips/P60s etc.

Please feel free to PM me if you like.

Cliches abound in this situation, but try to ignore the emotional blackmail and listen to your gut.

This may mean ignoring the well meaning advice of friends/family who haven't been in the situation and may not understand the nature of his problems. I had many people calling me cold hearted and vindictive for not lending him money/letting him live with me til he was back on his feet, and saying I was not very nice for not forgiving him etc, but they didn't know the half of what was going on.

It's so true that if something seems wrong, it normally is. So much of my ex's behaviour the weeks before that phonecall was bizarre, and I lost trust in him, but I believed his lies because he was so convincing.

If it smells a bit fishy, it's because it's normally a fish.

Lastly, people can change, a lot of people posted on my original thread to say they had made it work, but a lot had to change to do so.

Good luck and please find the strength to put yourself first and make sure you don't get dragged into this any further. If your gut feeling says that he is not going to change, please listen to it and act on it sooner rather than later.

Long post over now! :eek:

LHG x

ETA - he never used to sleep well either, and he lost countless jobs which he put down to being made redundant due to the nature of his industry, but I don't believe this now. If your BF is reckless at work, this could be getting into the realms of fraud so please please be careful.

tallyhoh

its a hard thing to get your head round, I know only too well. He is seriously messed up but thats no longer your problem. Salvage what you can (financially) and break off all contact.

It may be worth checking your credit records just in case anything else had happened.

suburbanwifey

There are a couple of mental health conditions and personality disorders that fit the profile you have painted of your partner.

My advice to you would be to move on from this relationship fast, charming personality (big clue!) his ability to lie to you and his family with no empathy (another big red flag) whatsoever, teamed with compulsive lying is a recipe for disaster and toxicity in your future, you need to protect you. You also need to disassociate yourself financially. A letter of disassociation on your credit references will remove him from there, once you have ended your relationship and are in no way financially linked.

I wish you the best and hope you don't let this toxic relationship cloud your view of men, there are good one's out there, not all use and abuse to gain for themselves xx

tallyhoh

suburbanwifey wrote: »

There are a couple of mental health conditions and personality disorders that fit the profile you have painted of your partner.

My advice to you would be to move on from this relationship fast, charming personality (big clue!) his ability to lie to you and his family with no empathy (another big red flag) whatsoever, teamed with compulsive lying is a recipe for disaster and toxicity in your future, you need to protect you. You also need to disassociate yourself financially. A letter of disassociation on your credit references will remove him from there, once you have ended your relationship and are in no way financially linked.

I wish you the best and hope you don't let this toxic relationship cloud your view of men, there are good one's out there, not all use and abuse to gain for themselves xx

Couldnt agree more. I believe you will find he has done things like this in the past & will do them again.

fatbelly

lionheartedgirl wrote: »

You can also do an online search of public records for CCJs registered against him although this costs per address (can't remember how I did it but my brother is a solicitor and pointed me towards it - if you do some googling you should find it).

You can also search the IVA/bankruptcy register online, this is free.

http://www.trustonline.org.uk/

http://www.insolvencydirect.bis.gov.uk/eiir/

tallyhoh wrote: »

It may be worth checking your credit records just in case anything else had happened.

Good advice. The £2 statutory reports will do the job for Experian & Equifax. Noddle is free.

http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/credit-rating-credit-score#files

Kerrymap

Hi Bex1983

Going to keep this short and sweet, you have some really good advice already to get you started - get your checks and find out what the state of your credit rating is and where you are associated with your boyfriend. I only use Experian now but it will show you when the other person who is financially connected to you has made an application for credit.

I am in a similar situation and up to now I still cant get the truth I found out because I kept getting refused credit and couldnt understand why so I got my credit report in January this month decided to make some changes and take control of anything in my name and that I was aware of. This resulted in improving my credit from poor to good. Its not easy but can be done.

The reason why I am unable to just remove myself completely from the lies is because the person I am financially linked to is my mum and as much as I have tried to help her and let her see she is putting me in debt she just does not want to change so sorting myself out and when she is ready for help I will be right there.

One more thing you can look into is completing Financial Disassociation form which helps to remove financial commitments that may effect your credit rating.

Have a read of this website:

http://www.thecreditagency.co.uk/credit-report/check-my/financial-disassociation.html

You will be ok Bex things will fall into place.

K

bombini

I'm sorry this has happened to you but well done for being strong and leaving him, I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't have your strength.

Your story sounds familiar as a similar thing happened to my friend and also my husband is appalling with money. I found out a few days before our wedding that he owed a lot of money to one of our guests and they didn't feel able to come to our wedding because of it. I confronted him and he admitted he owed 1k, I was furious. I text the guest in question a few weeks later to apologise and later found out it was a hell of a lot more than 1k.

He is not a bad person but I am convinced the reason he is so awful with money is that he came from a very wealthy family and then his parents lost the lot when he was about 18 but he has never adjusted. He still spends like he is a millionaire, always buying drinks for people if we go out, take aways, stops off at the shop pretty much every night for some sort of snack ! I think he fritters away half his wage each month on rubbish and generally lives beyond his means.

The friend I mentioned before got evicted from her house when her baby was a few months old as her boyfriend had not paid any rent for months, no bills nothing and then vanished into thin air leaving her saddled with debt. It turned out he had done this to several women & had kids with all of them, paying nothing towards their upkeep.

I hope you manage to get the situation sorted out x

hallowitch

Hi Bex1983 you say he didn't pay the rent did he pay the council tax

council tax is a Joint and several liability debt which means they can pursue you for any outstanding council tax due
I suggest you make this a priority because if there is outstanding debt the council will gain a liability order and enforce using bailiffs

council tax liability orders do not get recorded with credit reference agency's

Hannyboy2006

Bex,

I will just say that I am a man that has been in your boyfriend's situation.

Whilst I feel for you and understand your anger/stress/sadness of the whole situation, please try to understand that this is probably something in which your BF has been crying into his pillow about every night whilst you've been sleeping peacefully next to him..... What i'm getting at is some people are extremely venerable when it comes to borrowing money and getting into debt, yet it has no resemblance on them as a person!
He has kept this from you because he is extremely worried that what people have said on this post who say you should leave him.. WILL COME TRUE!!

THESE PEOPLE ARE SIMPLY TALKING BS !!!!!!!!!!

Yes, the lies are despicable, but that is EXACTLY what debt does to you! It turns you into someone you are NOT!!

I may have walked into the lions den with this one, but you people who say Bex should just bin him.... You should be ashamed of yourself!! You are basically saying "Lets make this worse for both of you and end your relationship"
Sit down with him and insist that he tells you EVERYTHING!! If you think he could be gambling, ask him and tell him to prove otherwise... The likelihood is that because the hard bit is now out in the open with you and his family (DEBT), he will reveal all!

The fact is Bex, Is that I bet you guys were just perfect before this came up.... Well that is exactly what he wants it to be...

Don't let the devil that is debt consume both of you and your relationship!

Help him