Support for the wife of a serial debtor

nevadagirl

Hi johnbfan,

Not much to add but (((hugs))) and hang in there. I think quite a few of us on here are only mainly because of our OHs (or in my case, ex-OH) and that a good few of us women are perhaps too conscientious and hard working for our own good - even when this means picking up the slack for other people where we really shouldn't.

I even handed £20 in that I found on a shelf in Asda today. Even though that would have covered my shopping for the week, I knew how much I would struggle if someone else had MY £20. Does it cancel out karma if you're hoping to at least get some good karma out of it?

johnbfan

I found a purse a couple of years ago, over £200 cash and credit cards in it. I handed it to the Police who traced the owner. Had a lovely huge bunch of flowers and a big thank you for being honest and handing it in, from someone who had been visiting our town for the day.

My OH said I should have kept it. My conscience said hand it in. That find was just before christmas and the cash would have gone a long way to make our Christmas a better time but I could not have lived with myself. My pocket was over £200 poorer but my conscience was clear

johnbfan

Got the details of his bank charges and getting a letter sorted requesting them back but he's still doing it. Signed on for internet banking for him but I have the codes etc so he has to do it with me and he is still going way in to debt. Writing cheques and drawing on the cash point. Doing another letter to convert to a cash account only - see if that helps. I'm NOT PAYING IT OFF. its his debt he can pay it. I will help but not financially.

LookingAhead

Bless you johnbfan for handing that purse in. I would have done the same too - can you *imagine* how it would feel to lose £200?

Stay strong, you're doing the right things.

johnbfan

Well - anyone want a laugh (sarcastic ironic head on here)?

I signed OH on for internet banking so he can see what damage he is doing. I have the password etc and OH can ask any time to go take a look - he can't even turn computers on never mind use them (mind you he manages the cash machine very well!!).

Had a look Sunday night - over £200 owed the bank. Took another look last night and its gone up - five cheques cashed through the day. Questioned OH about it and he doesn't know how as he shredded his cheque book. After much lieing and putting on of his ostrich in the sand/I am telling the truth face he admitted he had borrowed quite a bit of his boss and she has paid all the cheques in at one go. He swears that's it. Do we believe him - NO.

Sending a letter to the bank to have the account converted to a cash account. OH won't hand over his cash card so it will in all probability keep happening, especially as he has a £50 phone bill a month and over £150 in credit card payments a month. I am totally refusing to give him any money (dont have any spare any way) and, hopefully, at some stage OH will become such a bad credit risk to the bank they will stop him like they did our son, who cannot get a loan or credit card or change banks because his credit rating is so poor, at least at 20 he has six years to put it right before he looks at moving out and getting a mortgage etc. (Like father like son comes to mind here)

OH keeps saying he's told me everything now and can I help him. I told him no way am I handing over any money. It has to be sorted with his money. He has two jobs - one he gives me the pay from for bills, the other is his pocket money - nearly £300 a month. Wish I could have that much pocket money - I would be off on fancy holidays.

Feel a bit better now I've written it all down. There's still a lot I could say but that will do for now.

saffronflowers

I really dont know what to say but could not leave with out giving you a hug. Best of luck

Sfx

janeawej

Johnbfan I think your amazing! well done for taking the bull by the horns and telling him no more money from you! and by trying to get to the bottom of his spending and controlling his account! keep up the good work, I poured 1000,s into my ex oh's business over the years we were married and never saw a penny back just more and more demands for money from him for his precious business which i was then told that i never supported in the least! Jane

hannahsmummy1

The shoe is on the other foot with me! Im the one useless with money- hence the reason im in the mess im in! I dont have ANYTHING joint with my husband- no accounts, mortage or anything. He does not know anything about my debts- the reason- well they were supposed to be paid off last year when money came from my parents for my wedding- the money never came (long story!) so i was left to pay off my debts- i feel that he shouldnt be the one to bail me out- i know we are married, but i got myself into the mess, and im determined to get myself out of it! A lot of people would not understand my situation, and the reason i decided to keep this from my husband, but there are reasons for this. I agree with what has been said-you cant go on keeping paying off his debts for him- because he hasnt realised there is a problem because you keep bailing him out- if you stop this then hopefully he will realise that he has a problem. Hope you sort this out!

johnbfan

Thanks for the words of encouragement. It is easy to give in but 'when my blood is up' look out matey. He keeps saying don't keep on but if he is going to bury his head in the sand and pretend everything is OK then I will have to.

One of has to be strong. He's got 8 year til he retires and we need to be out of this mess by then. There may come the point when I have to tell him he is on his own and let him stew but will see how it goes. Only hope that nothing is secured on our house (he says not but has lied repeatedly) as we are joint owners of a lovely mortgage.

Maybe need to do another thread for advice on that one. Well, back to work. Take care.

OberonSH

I can't beleive he's still trying to get things past you! Washing up duty for a month on that methinks!

I hope you manage okay love, you're doing the right thing, tough as it might be. I'd agree with totally separating the finances and seeing how far he gets. His 'pocket money' should be going on his debts!!