Support for the wife of a serial debtor

johnbfan

My OH is a serial debtor. I've just paid off nearly £5,000 of his debts and he still keeps going back for more. Its like an illness. He can't stop. I was wondering how the close family of someone like this copes.

sammiboo

is there a pattern to what he is spending to cause the debt?

Have you sat down and had a "proper" chat with him.

Does he take any responsibilty for the debts?

Crown

Hi, just wanted to ask what type of debts he is running up?

If it is gambling debts then there is a lot of help available if he admits that it is taking control of his life.

The only reason I mention it is that I have had experience of gambling problems and it looks like that type of thing. The G.A. have been a great help to my family in this regard.

please forgive me if I am way of the mark. No offence is intended.

mjdh1957

The trouble is that by paying off his debts for him you are taking control and not allowing him to be responsible. He needs to have a 'lightbulb' moment of his own and by providing a cushion you are stopping that from happening.

Do you talk to him about what is happening? Maybe it would be a good idea to think about seeing someone at Relate?

immoral_angeluk

Have you spoken to him about it? you need to find out why he keeps running up the debt and whether there's any underlying issues.
*big hugs* to you.

duncans-mum_2

mjdh1957 wrote: »

The trouble is that by paying off his debts for him you are taking control and not allowing him to be responsible. He needs to have a 'lightbulb' moment of his own and by providing a cushion you are stopping that from happening.

Do you talk to him about what is happening? Maybe it would be a good idea to think about seeing someone at Relate?

I agree with the above. He will not necessarily see it as debt, or as a problem because that problem just goes away easily (by the kindness of you)

And yes, it does depend on as well what he is spending the money on. You need to have a serious talk and or next time it is run up, leave it up to him to bail himself out. That way he might appreciate a little more the value of money.(Thats how most of us have learnt.) I know it is easier said than done, but you can only help someone so far, in the end, people can only help themselves.

Sending you support, and keep posting for more support if needed.

golddigger_3

Just re-iterating what everyone else has said really - you need ot find out what he is spending it on. If it just being frittered away - which I know is sooo easy- then start a Spend diary and try to make sure he fills it in honestly every day. It's quite amazing just how much we all spend in one day. It has helped us cut down enormously just having to write it all down.

Paying it off for him does send him signals that its OK but I can understand that you don't want to be tarred by credit agencies by association. If you refuse - what would he do?

(((((((HUGS)))))))
You are in the right place.

natters_2

looks like you have fallen into the same trap I did - hubby runs it up - you work that little bit harder to pay it off, he thinks oh great I don't owe any money and does it again. - you then get annoyed and try to talk to them about it and get the but you are so good with money I didn't realise there was a problem (telling them this over and over again doesn't sink in)

Then when you tell them they can't spend they sulk like a 2 year old and you cave in for the sake of a quiet life and you continue to do this over the years

If you can nip it in the bud right now, before you get to the stage I have of being 62k in debt and a very long time paying it off, I would if I were you

The only way I got it to stop was to default on every single line of credit we had (this was going to happen sooner or later anyway) now he only has the money that is in his account - which I transfer into mine every payday, so he can't go spend it all before I can stop him

johnbfan

sorry I didn't come back before - been busy.

He took out two loans and two credit cards between last August and September. Nearly £9,000. Never told any of the agencies about the other loans. Has nothing to show for it. Just frittered it away. Doesn't even remember what he spent it on, but probably food at work accounted for some of it (upto £10 a day). He does not gamble.

I have told him I will not pay any more of my money out. Because of him and my two kids I have debts of my own to concentrate on besides keeping the house going. He does pay me money towards the bills each month and has been in a position to buy a couple of really nice cheap cars but not had the money and now says if only I had the money. He goes off on one when I remind him the money would have been there but for his stupidity.

He says he will stop but I just don't believe him. Don't trust him with 10p any more never mind anything else. He says its not fair I should trust him, he gives his word - but I know its not worth the breath it was given with. I will not give in. I will not give any more money. I must be strong. So what if we get registered as poor credit risk, at least then he will not be able to carry on.

chevalier

I am sorry that he has not had his light bulb moment yet. Did you know about the loans, that would make me really angry if my OH did that behind my back.

You should remind him that trust has to be earned, when it has be abused in the past.
best of luck
chev

Sea78

hi

Sorry to hear about your situation - it must be impossible with him doing this!

You mentioned you had your own debts - perhaps we could help here? If oyu look at the sticky at the top of the board - for first timers - you could post your SOA and we could see if we could help at all? Then if you set about clearing all your debts, he'll default on some of his and that might stop him?

Just a thought.

Sea xx