Hoarding...not just on TV

GreyQueen

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Hey Grey lady - let's hear it for the shedfest!:T.
And doesn't it make you feel so good when you have these surges of umph and just sort a whole area like this. Shows how much clutter subtly weighs us down the rest of the time methinks.

Oh yeah, that is soooo true. I'm itching to get back into that shed and have at the clutter again. That physical lightening of mood when you come away from the tip or the charity shop having donated the bags........it gives me a lot more of a fillip to shed stuff than acquire it.

I've been thinking a lot about hoarding in the past few years. Mum's a hoarder and so is my brother. Not talking pathological filthiness, just too much of good things, stacked kitty-cornered, damaging each other, and getting in the way of everyday living and taking up precious time.

I tried talking to Mum once, years ago, about the cookbooks. Mum cooks a small amount of dishes really well. Dad is very conservative when it comes to food and doesn't like anything other than very plain fare. They're happy with their favourite meals.

She had about 30+ cookbooks, a fact which she disputed, until I put them all in one place so she could see them. She NEVER goes to a cookbook to look up a recipe, she does what she does from memory. Why the cookbooks? Why at all, and why can't they go? A few of them go? Not a chance. Beggared if I know, anyone got any ideas?

I also LMAO when I realise that my copy of Don Aslett's Freedom from Clutter is lost in Mum's living-room bookcase, double-stacked with books and with boxes of books piled several deep in front of it. You couldn't make it up.

I love her to bits, she had a very rough early life in the East End of London in wartime, she has issues with what is enough and what is too much. We're pecking away at the edges of it. She's a generous soul and it able to part with stuff if she can see it fulfilling a need in someone's life. It's very small beer compared with some hoarded homes, although I have a habit of standing well back from strange (i.e. not my own) cupboards when opening them as there were frequent suicide-leaps of stuff from cupboards in my childhood home.:rotfl:Those of us raised in cluttery homes tend to have very good reflexes when it comes to dodging inaminate objects.

LiR, great going for you and the OH.

Byatt

Hi guys, been busy all day, so haven't read everyone's posts yet, just wanted to say I popped into a CS today and spotted some wooden things, a beautiful vase (with liner) and a fruit bowl. I love anything made of wood, but...I picked both pieces up, checked the price which was pretty reasonable, so...I put them back down and walked out...no buying! I allowed myself to look at something I love/like and did not want to own it instantly. Using GQ's technique of giving myself permission, helped enormously. I hope it continues. I sat in the car and thought, I could still go back and get them, but there was no urgent desire. Early days of course.

blossomhill_2

A question for you ... and you ...and you

What is your earliest memory of your own hoarding?

Byatt

blossomhill wrote: »

A question for you ... and you ...and you

What is your earliest memory of your own hoarding?

I'm going to have to give some time to that thought, Blossom, so will post tomorrow perhaps.

eta, I do know from a very early age I attributed feelings to things, came from the constant moving around by parents and losing my security. For instance at age 9 ish I was very attached to a car they had, a Prefect, I called Bluey...they changed it to an Anglia and I was distraught, totally distraught. I also became very attached to my school satchel (I talked to it.:o again related to changing schools constantly etc)...I also talked to a colleague about my attachment to things, believing they had emotions, I was 16 he was about 30's (may have ben younger but at 16,well...) and I remember his look of uhoh, what's wrong with her. It seemed perfectly sane to me.

I hasten to add, I didn't talk out loud to my satchel, just in my head. Does that make it worse or better?

blossomhill_2

Thanks Byatt, that's amazing, some real insight to think about. I have worked with people who grew up in Army families and have been amazed at their lack of attachment to things; it seems like constant moving had the opposite effect on you

You have made me think; I got very attached to certain clothes as a child, can recall being prised out of a favourite jumper (when nabout 3-4) and clinging to it as it dried on the immersion heater. I have a tendency to buy two of items now, for when one is in the wash LOL

I was also very upset when on my first day at work, my folks cut down our apple tree, without warning. It felt like "you're an adult now, you don't get to play in trees" when actually they probably never even thought any further than "let's get rid of the tree then we can have a new shed". I now plant trees like they are going out of fashion

I got to the bit in the Blog where the blogger explains how tiny his aunt was and how she must have shifted so much stuff - overnight I was thinking "what was going through that poor little elf's head?" and realised it was probably similar to what went through mine when I had to get a couple of divan beds downstairs for the council men "should really get some help with this...hey no I can do it myself...why have I started this without help...too late now, they wouldn't understand and would nag me for not enlisting them at the start"

GreyQueen

blossomhill wrote: »

A question for you ... and you ...and you

What is your earliest memory of your own hoarding?

I have early memories of having major difficulties getting stuff out of my parental home past my mother's hoarding instinct.

Such as when I'd tidy out my room and take a rubbish basket downstairs to the bin and she'd FRISK the RUBBISH to make sure that it was all (in her opinion) rubbish. If she thought it could be re-purposed , it would be retrieved. This caused arguments. I'd sometimes be reduced to smuggling stuff out of the house and into other people's dustbins. I didn't think this was abnormal as I was a young kid and I didn't have enough life experience to compare Mum's behaviour to that of others.

Mum had a very difficult start in life. I can't say too much but suffice it to say she was the only one of her several siblings who survived the neglect of their parents (the others died) and only because the police forced social services into heavy-duty intervention and she was taken away to another part of the country and was able to make a clean break. After a gap of about 50 years, she chose to track down some of the extended family and the nonagenarian matriarch of our clan in the East End told her bluntly that she'd been well aht of it.

So, I cut her a lot of slack, out of deep love and deep compassion, but her hoarding has always made life difficult for us as a family. It makes everything difficult, from getting out the door in the morning, to cleaning house, whatever you can imagine is made into a palaver by clutter. One day, I'll be my duty to sort it out and I'm dreading it. Not that it is anywhere on the scale of Hoarding Woes etc......

I think the saddest thing about hoarding is the way it gets in the way of other things. Mum's in that golden spell between retirement and infirmity. It's a finite amount of time, no one knows how long it might last for, and every good year is unbelievably precious. I'd love for her to be able to concentrate on doing what she loves and not spend so much time struggling with a cluttered home.

I'd describe myself as mostly a non-hoarder but with hoarder-ish tendancies which need to be closely-watched. I don't want to go there, but I keep slipping into it.

Like last week I went out to buy 1 tube of a particular handcream I like. Went to all the usual places where it had always been available and was getting stressed because it wasn't there. Found it in £land. There were 6 tubes on the shelf. There are now 5 tubes on my shelf and 1 in service. They're long-dated, they will be used, but it was an illogical reaction to the anxiety of not being able to find what I wanted after scouring several stores. I knew it was illogical and I did it anyway. After all, it wouldn't have been the end of the world if I'd had to change brands.:o

My parents are away on holiday this week. Two years ago, when they were away, I sneaked into their home and redecorated their bedroom. Doesn't sound much but it was a severely-hoarded room and just getting at the walls was an incredible achievement. I had to use diagrams in order to return the stuff exactly to where it came from. I made a rubbish box of what I considered inarguable stuff (like the hanger a pair of socks had come from the shop with) and a huge box of stuff which I questioned the purpose of, such as the 5 Collins Gem French dictionaries and the 3 copies of one popular novel.

They were unbeliveably thrilled as hadn't been able to get to the project for years, partially because of the hoard and partially because of doing so much for Nan and other rellies inc me. I held the rubbish back for vetting by Mum (all OK) and we spent a few minutes editing the box, some of which she wanted to keep and some of which was able to leave to the c.s. She is now down to a mere 2 Gem French dictionaries.:rotfl:

(My folks' used to study French at evening class. They have lots of French dictionaries of all sizes, plus the odd random book in French "for practising".)

The room is still very overstuffed......but nicely-decorated. I did have a sly quip from Mum last week that perhaps I could sneak into theirs again this time and redecorate something else...........? Trouble was, they only booked their hol about 2 weeks ago and I booked my annual leave months earlier and they don't match! Otherwise I'd be in there like a terrier down a rat hole, oh yes indeedy.:)

Byatt (((((((hugs))))))))) you life has put you through the mill, sweetheart. I'm so glad that something I wrote was able to help you. Treat yourself gently as you go about your business. Your post called to mind a woman I knew when we were both in our early twenties. She'd had a very disrupted childhood (family moving all over UK, moving every 12-18 months to advance her father's career). She'd been left vulnerable and disturbed by this. My heart nearly broke when she said, without self-pity, that after a while you stop trying to make friends at your school because you know you're going to be moved again and it hurts too much to lose them, so it's easier not to make friends in the first place.

lostinrates

Byatt wrote: »

Hi guys, been busy all day, so haven't read everyone's posts yet, just wanted to say I popped into a CS today and spotted some wooden things, a beautiful vase (with liner) and a fruit bowl. I love anything made of wood, but...I picked both pieces up, checked the price which was pretty reasonable, so...I put them back down and walked out...no buying! I allowed myself to look at something I love/like and did not want to own it instantly. Using GQ's technique of giving myself permission, helped enormously. I hope it continues. I sat in the car and thought, I could still go back and get them, but there was no urgent desire. Early days of course.

You know, i went shopping this week too. First time for AGES in a nice place, and i bought two things (a face mask and a hair band, both not richarding) and then bought a gift for my friend, and my friends son who was with me. I tried to buy some shoes but the ones i loved were only available half a size too small...some years ago i would have bought these and put up with the squish, but not not these days!. It felt odd coming home without a haul having beento see nice things. But ok.

lostinrates

blossomhill wrote: »

A question for you ... and you ...and you

What is your earliest memory of your own hoarding?

When i was very small, two, three, we lived somewhere wit pea shingle. I remember liking a particular type of stne ( looked translucent and honey coloured) and i used to try and pick these out and keep them. Does that count?

Otherwise, i think the going everywhere with a suitcase of just in case stuff was a sign 'something' was not right. I guess i did that in my teens.

Funnily enough, my hoarding parents were very good at sorting out my clutter...

blossomhill_2

lostinrates wrote: »

When i was very small, two, three, we lived somewhere wit pea shingle. I remember liking a particular type of stne ( looked translucent and honey coloured) and i used to try and pick these out and keep them. Does that count?

I should say so, definitely, I can remember doing the same with a particular colour small leaf

My earliest was about age 11, got 10p pocket money each week to spend on sweets. Quickly decided to get 10 x 1p roll of sweets and store them lined up in a cupboard, then 10 more the next..and the next...

Much younger than that I turned my bookshelf into a library with tickets, stamps (John Bull!) and inner tabs and used to loan books out to friends - I couldn't just let them go, could I?

I've been worrying about scissors since reading on here - I didn't realise I was hoarding them - but I am

Tent's gone - I wanted to say "tent, what tent?" but I found another one behind the wardrobe

Interesting bit in the Blog when he observes the buyers' cars - what does your car look like? Mine is ... getting better ... but used to be a portable wardrobe

blossomhill_2

GreyQueen wrote: »

Such as when I'd tidy out my room and take a rubbish basket downstairs to the bin and she'd FRISK the RUBBISH to make sure that it was all (in her opinion) rubbish. If she thought it could be re-purposed , it would be retrieved

Do you know I read years ago that going through bins was a recognised sign of mental illness? But nowadays recycling has made it socally acceptable. But I still think its a problem.

Mum had a very difficult start in life

I wish I could send her ((HUGS))

So, I cut her a lot of slack, out of deep love and deep compassion

She is so lucky to have you

My heart nearly broke when she said, without self-pity, that after a while you stop trying to make friends at your school because you know you're going to be moved again and it hurts too much to lose them, so it's easier not to make friends in the first place.

Anyone see Dr Robert Winson on Child of Our Time when he observed the children who learn to make friends quickly in stressful situations but also shrug them off easily afterwards, it is a survival tecnique. Think of Uni, Services etc, how often you pal up quickly for a first night out and move on afterwards. It's the ones who sit in their room and expect Uni friends to be there forever and can't do the shrugging off bit that have the longer term problems. I made friends with an ex-Army wife and other people found her difficult but I soon recognised that she had never before been in for the longhaul in a friendship, and just kept going back until she relaxed - 20+ years now, she hasn't managed to shake me off yet!