Hoarding...not just on TV

whitewing

When I first saw JoJo's questions, I didn't think it was relevant to me, but actually I think it is because my family had a lot of space, it spread the hoard out more. It wasn't house stuffed to the rafters but it was piles and piles of untidy carp.

How long have you known your relative has had a hoarding problem?

I would say it was always a problem but we grew up thinking it was a 'normal' part of being delightfully eccentric. We didn't really go to other people's houses much and weren't encouraged to think our situation was wrong. It was a very controlling environment.

My husband still thinks that I don't realise how lacking of a basic standard of living my extended family has, even though they have the means to do.


What do you feel about the hoards?

Embarrassed, as I said before, it made the local papers. People walking by my parents still comment especially loud if they realise that my daughter and I are related.

Angry, that my father disrespects us enough to lie about it. Angry that my mother and aunty enable it.



Have you ever experienced harm, whether physical or mental, as a direct result of the hoarding or the board?

My mother has certainly tripped and injured herself trying to carry stuff along goattracks or clean around it. We have had rooms we can't really go in. We've also had a lot of anger from our father if we touch stuff, especially if he thinks we are taking it away.

What was your relative's response to the harm you suffered?

He thinks he is wonderful; nothing is ever his responsibility. He lives in a permanent state of major denial.

If you could get rid of just one aspect of the hoard, what would it be?

My father. Sorry to say, but he ceases to exist for me.

Has the hoarding damaged your relationships in any way?

The hoarding is a part of some really big issues. Together, it has damaged the relationship to there being virtually no relationship. I would not see my father if it were not for the fact that other family members are there and I want to see them.

At the most basic level, how does the prospect of your relative's behaviour remaining unchanged make you feel?

Defeated. Happy in myself that I have done my best, but I am okay now to move on without having a relationship with the person.

What are the justifications you are most likely to hear?

He won't justify anything else. He just gets verbally extremely nasty. For example, sometimes while he was out, my brother would light a bonfire and get rid of stuff he wouldn't notice (and he didn't notice). But if he did notice something that my brother had taken because it was eg broken up to be unusual but waiting to be chopped up for firewood, he would rant and rage and then take it out and deliberately spend days mending it. He had the ability to be a true craftsman but could never finish a job properly so it was always hodge-podged. Then we would be punished, eg because he had to spend so much time adjusting for our 'interfering' or 'arguing unnecessarily with us' then he wouldn't have time to do my uni grant application form. The phrase 'busy doing nothing' sums my father up. He sees the hoarding as an organisational problem and is always waiting for the perfect solution. He is in huge financial trouble because his hoarding instincts won't allow him to pass paperwork to an accountant to do his returns or those of family members who live with him. He is constantly fire fighting. God, I am so disgusted with him.

mollythewestie

· Downfall (what is your hoarding downfall) Books and Receipts/Tickets

· Easy (What dont you have trouble throwing out)
Newpapers and Junk mail

· Eccentric (What part of your hoard would make you sound eccentric to other people?) Having an emotional attachment to things like receipts and tickets

· Trigger (What do you think triggered your hoarding?)
I Never thought I would acheive much in my life as I had mobility problems from a young age, I certainly never thought I would be able to have children. I Spent a few years in wheelchair barely leaving my home. But now I am well again and can do things so I keep all the momentos related to any day trip or holiday that we have.

Help
Seeing the house looking nice again. I notice each gradual change, ie. a small pile of papers that has gone from the sideboard, the stack of old bills in the office etc. and that makes such a difference.
Also the support of my wonderful husband :A.

Jojo - I see you have RA, as do I. I have been taking Methotrexate on and off for 8 years (I came off the drug prior to conceiving my daughter, it took nearly 2 years, but worth all the "flare ups" in the end). It really has changed my life for the better.

thriftwizard

alec_eiffel wrote: »

I totally understand your last point! Those last few bits are so difficult for me to deal with. The last bit of washing up, little bits of ironing, getting to the bottom of the laundry basket. I find it difficult to deal with that. And the paper, all those little bits of paper - receipts, shopping lists stuff like that. DH will often come home from work even now (6 years on) and there will be a small pile of - receipts, paperclips, a pen etc and I will have to ask him to help me with it. I do not know why for the life of me but it's my last barrier.

Me too! I'm staring at the remains of Ghastly Piles 1 & 2, and can't seem to get the energy to FINISH the job... in some way it's as if I don't feel I deserve to live in the environment I'd like to. It goes back to the "shell" feeling - the clutter is my shell, my hiding-place. If I get it sorted I won't have any more excuses for not dealing with everything else.

Incidentally, I asked my elder daughter to look at Jojo's list. She looked at me pityingly and said, "Mum, please stop this! You are not a proper hoarder, just a chaotic magpie with a tendency to bite off more than you can chew." So now I have an excuse to be in denial, too! I do know it's not bad by the standards of Channel 4, but it's not like other people's homes (though I have to say I don't mind that myself) and I do have a tendency to acquire too much and hang onto it too long, and I think that's where hoarding starts.

kiss_me_now9

Starting to consider that I may have hoarding tendencies... I've always liked to keep hold of things that have 'sentimental' value (first thing I can remember is a pair of skanky old trainers that I wore day in day out for a year and a half when I was 10; cried when my mum told me to throw them out when they started to fall apart and in the end she had to do it when I was at school, cue more tears). Since coming back from uni I have a small bedroom half filled with my stuff and more out in the garage... Like, 20 boxes more :S Not just from this time round at uni either, but a fair few of the boxes are from the first time I went to uni 4 years ago that I haven't sorted through yet.

Most of the stuff I don't like to let go of seems to be things like DVDs (even though I now watch most of my movies online), books (3 bookcases full, more in piles), clothes (sorted some out but I still have too many clothes and I don't wear the majority of them) shoes (same as the clothes) and 'mementos' from holidays and stuff. Living between two houses means that I'm often tempted to buy/acquire duplicates!

I've been trying earnestly to sort out my stuff so that the little bedroom can be cleared so my little cousin can come over and stay but honestly I don't know where to start. The area under my bed in my main room is now cleared as I did it the other day but I don't want to just clutter it up again by moving boxes in and not looking through them.

The biggest thing (and I'd appreciate some advice on it) is I don't know how to get rid of some of the stuff! Or even how to start. The little bedroom is filled half and half with my uni stuff/old things and my mums craft stuff, you can barely open the door. The craft stuff needs a bloody good sort through (both me and my mum have the 'oh, that might come in handy one day' mentality) but I can't do that without her, or before sorting my stuff out. My cousin can't come to stay and diminish some of the craft stuff (and hopefully help me with the bookshelves, some of the books are about her age and it'd be a shame for them to go in the bin when someone else would love them like I did) until it's sorted as the bed is hidden and it's not habitable :eek: and I don't know where to start with my stuff.

I was planning to do some sorting today but to be honest the idea is making me feel a little sick and panicky already. I did my wardrobe as soon as I got back from uni and had a nightmare the next night because I threw away a top that I've been wearing for years (old riding top, so a scruffy old thing) about where it was and why I got rid of it.

lostinrates

Furniture.


I relaise i hoard furniture. E.g. I have a pn old bed in a cupboard, you know the type? Its old and the bed frame is iron, so its impossible to move. I have never even used it, i just thought it was cool and a reno project and it had to go straight into storage. We have no room for it, but i keep thinking we will one day. It taks six men to move it, even after its all been taken to pieces. When it eventually gets put back together i guess i will restore it and sell it. I cannot even get to it to do that now (its in pieces in a barn, no hope of either getting near it or putting it together now.

lostinrates

Oh, and a very, very old fabric covered single bed head and foot. Its really old and very beautiful.?but the fabric is 'gone' on one edge....damo damage ked to tearing i think. I got it free, and love it, but .....its out in the barn with the bed in a cupboard and worthless to
Anyone but me.

Byatt

thriftwizard wrote: »

Me too! I'm staring at the remains of Ghastly Piles 1 & 2, and can't seem to get the energy to FINISH the job... in some way it's as if I don't feel I deserve to live in the environment I'd like to. It goes back to the "shell" feeling - the clutter is my shell, my hiding-place. If I get it sorted I won't have any more excuses for not dealing with everything else.

Incidentally, I asked my elder daughter to look at Jojo's list. She looked at me pityingly and said, "Mum, please stop this! You are not a proper hoarder, just a chaotic magpie with a tendency to bite off more than you can chew." So now I have an excuse to be in denial, too! I do know it's not bad by the standards of Channel 4, but it's not like other people's homes (though I have to say I don't mind that myself) and I do have a tendency to acquire too much and hang onto it too long, and I think that's where hoarding starts.

Thrift, from your posts you are obviously very creative and I think creativity brings its own untidyiness. Your DD accepts you for who you are and that's wonderful. If you are happy, the home is not unsafe (I often fall over/trip because of stuff lying about, plus it's difficult to get to the door if there was a fire) and not embarrassed to have people into your home, then hoarding may not be applciable to you.

My home is very untidy because I have so much stuff. I don't have storage, no garage or shed or pantry...just one wardrobe, one dressing table, so everything is all over the place. I do add to it because I love certain things, and it's cluttered. I did have a review when I first moved in for safety, and the guy said there was too much clutter, and it was better than it is now. That it was dangerous and needed to be dealt with.

I'm not happy with the way things are, and I am embarrassed.

blossomhill_2

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

· Eccentric-Yarn - I have tons and tons of yarn, huge heaps of them, and zillions of half finished projects. I have a sweater that has been half sewn up for two years. I hate finishing a project.

Lots to think about in what we are all revealing ...

Re above post wannabe sybil - has it occured to you that you don't actually want the sweater - what you wanted was the enjoyable process of choosing the yarn, following a pattern and knitting it?

I do some crafts that involve various processes (soldering etc) and I am quite comfortable with undoing the project instead of finishing it, and reusing the materials - it seems to be other people who want me to finish them!

When I crochet; I don't want crochetted goods and happily unravel it and make it into something else, having achieved what i was after, ie the enjoyment of crochetting

Kevin McCloud did a good radio programme about the process of craft and how it affects the brain (don't know if it on the www), helped me enjoy craft for what it is (ie a process that isn't shopping), and dispose of any surplus materials that I don't get a buzz from working with

wannabe_sybil

blossomhill wrote: »

Re above post wannabe sybil - has it occured to you that you don't actually want the sweater - what you wanted was the enjoyable process of choosing the yarn, following a pattern and knitting it?

Difficult. I actually want to wear the sweater, and sewing it up is a nuisance but not exactly brain surgery. With some things I do want the end result (shopping all unpacked, ironing all finished, warm sweater when I am running out of sweaters) I actually have to force myself to finish. I don't understand it.

Though I do say that some times I knit for sanity. I am currently knitting a blanket while I watch tv. I got a huge cone of yarn, cast on several hundred stitches, continued in garter stitch and will carry on until I run out of yarn. It is purely to soothe me (though I may be glad of it in winter). I am normally very clear on the distinction.

I wonder if there is an element of 'if I have a clean/clear house I will have to be the sort of person who lives there, and I am not that perfect'? And I do actually want the sweater. I don't feel good about this.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

I've found this thread extremely interesting and moving in places and I'm glad it's helped people recognise and address issues. I love stuff, but am also obsessively tidy and hate clutter. My attitude is as follows:

Books
My books are cherished and re-read. I keep literary novels, some non-fiction for reference, and collect old children's pony books, which often have beautiful illustrations. I can't bear to see books anywhere but on shelves, so if the shelves get full there has to be a charity shop cull. Books should be read and enjoyed.

Clothes & Shoes
If I haven't worn something in a year it goes to the CS (exceptions for some formal wear that will only be used occasionally). I have a stupid habit of saving expensive items "for best", and have made myself ignore this in the case of nice undies. "The best" scenario in this instance would be to receive a right good ravaging from Michael Fassbender as I take out the recycling, so I think it is mentally positive to be prepared for this eventuality! Every day should be a posh undies day.

Paperwork
Useful to have a paper copy of your most recent bill (I needed an original when CRB checked for volunteering recently), and of deeds, rental agreements, saving certificates etc. Anything in between can be shredded or scanned and stored electronically.

Mementos
I love old treasures, but organise them. Tickets, postcards, flyers etc get put in with photos in albums. I keep programmes in box files and cuttings in a scrapbook and take pleasure in looking through them. It is nice to keep things from the past, but you only need a selection to invoke nostalgia, not absolutely everything. I have my 18th and 21st birthday cards still, but there's no need for any more. I sorted through my teenage collection of carrier bags at my parents and kept about 15%; nicely designed ones or those from shops that are now defunct. It satisfies the collecting impulse but means you retain control.