Hoarding...not just on TV

Mistral001

blossomhill wrote: »

You need to listen as well as hear - OP was banned from mother's house due to mother's intransigence/abusive nature

I am sorry that happened. Is there any chance of the mother changing her mind and letting the OP in again?

blossomhill_2

Read the thread!

Gingernutty

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I'm sorry I can't reply to all of you in person, I've loaned my laptop to my eldest for the weekend and I'm relying on my phone.

Thank you all so much.

She's always been grubby. My nickname in high school was the rather fetching Greaseball because she didn't believe in washing more than once a week. She's also always been aggressive and abusive in private, but a delicate little flower in public.

Believe me, I am not feeling loving. More pity. Tempered with resentment, but I do believe holding onto that will tear me apart whilst having zero effect upon the source of the feeling.

She's only doing it because the council have threatened to evict her. And even then she is trying to get around it by saying they can't kick her out.

Everyone else in the family is nowhere to be seen. I think she chased off my half sister when she offered help. There aren't many people who will tolerate someone brandishing one of her five rolling pins at your head as you crawl around on your knees fishing plastic lids out from under a table that used to be white.

I'm not scared of her, though. Haven't been since I got taller than her and realised I had control and could choose to not hit her back, but if I did choose, I would flatten her. But I chose not to.

I'd happily douse it all with petrol and send the whole house up. But I suspect the next door neighbour and the council might have something to say about that.

So, like dealing with a stroppy, nervy cat or dog, I'm ignoring most of it.

But I have no idea how I will manage to physically clean this. She's 75 and it looks like I will be there for the rest of her life. More likely if she keeps waving weapons at me, there are far too many big knives laying about for my liking.

Even the slightest bit of disorder in my house upsets me. It's never good enough. I look at the paint trays in the spare room and shudder. I am terrified I might wake up one morning and find out I am, as she insists, absolutely just like her. Mind you, she also says she was a natural mother. The physical scars belie that one. But the fear is there.

It's going to be a long job. I don't want this thread to be all about me, I think it should be for tips on getting an inch of grease off the cooker that star drops can't touch, support for all of us.

I know there are others out there, come and chat.

That's normal, to chat, even if the conditions we see aren't normal at all.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Thanks, everyone. I initially just wanted to start with the hall, as I had no idea what was lying in wait for me and it sounded simple;bag up 25 coats and several shoes, brooms and gadgets, wash down the woodwork and the door to get her accustomed to the idea.

She'd even agreed to move them for me.

But when I got there, she had been fannying around tipping stuff from one corner in front of the back door. Allegedly. And the sheer scale of stuff was like a shovel found the back of the head.

So I had no choice but to abandon my plans and get dug in. I suspect any Plan I come up with will be rejected for one reason or another, I'm not even convinced she hasn't spent her Sunday deliberately filling the void under the table with more stuff.

But she said I can come again in the morning. Oh, and she's off to get her hair done.

I think I'll aim for finding the kitchen sink this time. Maybe the table top as well. If that's unacceptable, I'll try to find the bath and maybe even the toilet floor. If that's rejected, I'll wash the front door and hall window.

I have asked for the council details, but she claims this is all verbal and that nothing can be done without a letter and then she'll make sure they can't chuck her out. I smell !!!!!!!!. Which makes a change from catshit, I must admit.

If she does get evicted before getting herself killed in there from tripping or fire or smothering or infection, she's not coming here. I am not having her triumphantly exclaim upon finding a cup on the bookcase that there is proof my house is identical to hers and I'm a hypocrite. I've had her here once and she informed me that the place was cold, bare and I had to get some bookcases to fill the 3 foot wide landing. And I needed some ornaments and pictures of doggies, apparently.

It's not spotless here, but even everyday stuff bugs me, like a plate on the side and not in the dishwasher. Or using a mug for tea twice without washing it in between. Or that I've put some paperwork in alike to look at later, as I'm too busy and it looks like a paper hoarder starting up.

I keep on reminding myself that I chose to not deck her the last day she ever hit me, I chose to offer help, I can choose to walk away if she loses it again. Or if it takes uP too much of my life and energy.

Bleurgh. I need sleep.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I got hit today. I was really careful not to order her around or throw stuff without her seeing it. But as I was getting ready to go, I let my guard slip and said I probably didn't need what she was going to give me. (an umbrella). Without seeing it coming, I got smacked in the head by a garden rake which jumped two foot back, turned 70 degrees and hit me side on with full power. I still didn't realise I had been hit until I looked round and saw her laughing. She reckons it fell without being touched.

So I emailed my older half sister, who confirmed I probably wasn't imagining it as she battered my eldest brother. And told me to tell social services and walk away.

Seeing as I'm probably up all tonight with a dying cat, another one is due at the vet on weds and I have to get all the paperwork sorted in court next Monday for my youngest to live with her father as she wants to live somewhere that she isn't made to glean her room, I really don't need this.

I'm out.

Mistral001? Here you go. I've bolded up the bits which are important, although it's clear, even without the violence, from the description JoJo paints that this is 'chronic' behaviour that has alienated the entire family.

I doubt there'll be any kind of reconciliation soon....

dumpy

blossomhill wrote: »

Hi dumpy - love the phrase "walking the available route" and will use it relentlessly until I eliminate the problem - I used to wonder if neighbours looking in thought i was on a track, as I could only walk up and down the lounge along a set route

feel free

I'm rather embarressed by that room and it has just got worse as i tend to open the door and throw things in before retreating as it seems to big to tackle and it's a room I don't use very often.

so I'm tackling a pile at a time till I can see all the floor, you don't need to keep every bill for the last 10 years do you....:o. the shredder will be working overtime. :T

sjprmc01

GQ the liners look like what I have loads of (in a bag somewhere not in use bar in. Youngest dds sock drawer) drawer organisers from ikea

Blossomhill I think the extra pr of shoes is a size 13. Eldest dd is a 12 atm. (and granny bought supermarket shoes which I already have a stash of for emergency wear. I like them to have clarks for school but obv it isn't going to happen as she jumped in and bought them and now I have to be pleased about it and keep quiet). Still undecided whether the clarks thing makes me snobby, probably! And probably ungrateful too but the kids would have been fine with shoes I was going to buy. So torn between visiting clarks or being 'thankful' for shoes that I'd rather not have the girls using as their main school shoes. I know I shouldn't rush out ho the shoe shop despite how much I want to I'm thinking though that they will all need winter (school) boots soon anyway so I should maybe just get over my own issues inside my mind about it and save my money for the boots in a few months

And I can't see the girls getting much use from the blue baseball boots either. I know I have a shopping issue mainly with clothes I know it probably stems from loving clothes but never being one of those kids whose parent could afford the 'in' stuff. I know it's superficial but I like what I like. I'm trying to tackle my spending (although it doesn't seem that way, imonly at the beginning of myjoourney) but honestly, granny rarely helps with her purchases but I have to just accept. She ain't mymum(who knows better by. Now than to buy things) and it's not worth. The hassl of saying anything as long as some things stick around for evidence of being used, others I can secretly give away to more needy folk

elona

One of my dds had a holiday job in Clarks amd it was the grannies who were even more keen than anyone on getting kids feet measured for good shoes.

I remember DH going "How Much!" when getting four dds measured and fitted for Clarks shoes. They still got them but when possible at sales or outlet stores.

sjprmc01

I'm just really annoyed as I had the chance to get them clarks the other week half price through here with the brantano one day half price deal but noooooo granny had them shoes! Grr! And it took till today for me to find out what they were/if they fitted (the wee ones do I didn't try on the others)

SpikyHedgehog

elona wrote: »

DH drove me to recycling centre late this morning with at least a dozen carrier bags full of tins. Man in charge remarked you could tell they were out of date because they had gone rusty! I have only just stopped blushing!

Did a shop at Al*i and as well as the milk, bread, fruit and veg , mince, chicken thighs etc I got ten tins of mushrooms which have been put away tidily and I know will be used. Promised myself not to get stuff because it was a bargain but only if it could make things we liked and would eat.

DH not happy because tiny jars of spices are taking up a lot of space in a tall cupboard. I wonder if I have a look at the jars and empty and combine them all into a larger glass jar and label it as mix of cumin, tumeric, ginger etc - could then use it as marinade for chicken etc and it would free up space without wasting anything.

Have just found a medium size jar and filled it with mixed spices, labelled it and been able to throw out nearly ten tiny jars and make space in cupboard to see what I actually have so feel quite virtuous.

I've used tippex to label the tops of my jars so I can easily see what they are, got rid of the ones I don't like/use often, & got herbs & spices in 1 basket, & extracts & baking powder etc in another basket so I can easily pull them out to use. What I'd like though is a rack to go on the inside of the cupboard door to put them in so we can see what we've got.

dumpy wrote: »

as a lurker who has read all the posts, can i suggest you go back and read a few more posts about the op's mother?

I've been reading this thread as someon who didn't think they had a problem. BUT then I saw a photo of one room (geat way to really see the clutter) and I realised I was "walking the available route" to get into another.

So hello all :j and I've sorted out a huge pile of paperwork today and have my eye on a large number of cookery magazines.

Someone (Jojo, I think) posted a photo of a kitchen after some work & it looks like my parents' house... It helped me see why tackling my hoarding is so important, as I need to get my house in order before I have to work in my parents' house.

sjprmc01 wrote: »

GQ the liners look like what I have loads of (in a bag somewhere not in use bar in. Youngest dds sock drawer) drawer organisers from ikea

Blossomhill I think the extra pr of shoes is a size 13. Eldest dd is a 12 atm. (and granny bought supermarket shoes which I already have a stash of for emergency wear. I like them to have clarks for school but obv it isn't going to happen as she jumped in and bought them and now I have to be pleased about it and keep quiet). Still undecided whether the clarks thing makes me snobby, probably! And probably ungrateful too but the kids would have been fine with shoes I was going to buy. So torn between visiting clarks or being 'thankful' for shoes that I'd rather not have the girls using as their main school shoes. I know I shouldn't rush out ho the shoe shop despite how much I want to I'm thinking though that they will all need winter (school) boots soon anyway so I should maybe just get over my own issues inside my mind about it and save my money for the boots in a few months

And I can't see the girls getting much use from the blue baseball boots either. I know I have a shopping issue mainly with clothes I know it probably stems from loving clothes but never being one of those kids whose parent could afford the 'in' stuff. I know it's superficial but I like what I like. I'm trying to tackle my spending (although it doesn't seem that way, imonly at the beginning of myjoourney) but honestly, granny rarely helps with her purchases but I have to just accept. She ain't mymum(who knows better by. Now than to buy things) and it's not worth. The hassl of saying anything as long as some things stick around for evidence of being used, others I can secretly give away to more needy folk

Not snobby for preferring clarks shoes (well, I'm guessing you'd also be happy with start-rite or jones ;-) ), they fit better, last longer, & clarks will replace the shoes with receipt if they are showing signs of damage as they pride themselves that their shoes should be grown out not worn out. I'm also guessing that brantano wouldn't swap them so happily ;-)

Did little yesterday as we'd been at the Scout Hut for a clean up day. But I did do a bit of gardening, which gave me the impetus to post DS2's old bike on freecycle, which then prompted me to clear out the cupboard under the stairs as I thought the stabilisers were in there - can only conclude I'd thrown them away as they weren't in there. It didn't feel like I got rid of much, but I organised stuff much better, & did throw odd half used packets of paper napkins out, have a bag of Errant Husband's car cleaning stuff (why was it still in my house?!), & generally tidied.

DS2 asked me the other day where all the stuff had gone from the end of the bath... Almost empty bottles are used & gone. I explained & said ' it looks much better, doesn't it?' No, he preferred it before... Or another reason tackling the piles of stuff before our children think its normal. Oh, wait, I'm back looking at my parents' house...

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

GreyQueen wrote: »

Hi JoJo, loving the pic of your cat, such a sweetie.

Can I be a nosy moo and ask about the top picture? Is that a very deep drawer with some kind of cloth dividers in it?

Yes, of course you can. It's an IKEA Malm chest of drawers with one of their packs of collapsible canvas boxes inside. I do think the drawers are quite deep, which is far more useful than shallow drawers, as I used to have quite a few jumpers that just wouldn't fit in the old CoD and I couldn't hang them up without them looking awful/baggy/taking up huge amounts of space in the wardrobe.

If I had the money to spare, I would have had one of those old fashioned big CoDs with properly made, dovetailed, solid wood drawers from an antique shop (plus a dressing table with triple mirror and a wardrobe with sections for hats and scarves like Nanny used to have), but I don't, so an IKEA CoD had to do.

The top drawer has knickers in one box, bras in another, socks in another, tights, stockings, etc in another - it means no scrabbling around in the washing pile of a morning. That's not to say that I don't end up wearing odd socks at times, or no socks, but it reduces those times to occasionals. If I couldn't fit all my undies into the one drawer, I would know I definitely have too many.

The next drawer down has vests on one side, then all sport-type stuff/swimming costumes/goggles in the next space, then t-shirt type tops next to it.

The next one has jumpers and cardies.

The bottom one has trousers that don't need hanging up. And opportunistic cats. It's essentially the same order I started keeping things when I was a kid.

My wardrobe is sort of organised as well. The stuff's on those narrow velvet hangers, there's a shoe rack at the bottom, everything faces to my left/the hooks all go in facing the same way and long stuff starts on my right with coats before dresses.


Not quite OCD, but a little finicky, I admit.

Mistral001 wrote: »

I am sorry that happened. Is there any chance of the mother changing her mind and letting the OP in again?

She might. If she's been served with an eviction notice. But that doesn't mean I'm going to waste my time and effort going there. She's had 22 years since she last punched me in the head to work out that I don't really like it happening that much. She's obviously not a fast learner.

IMO, the current TV programmes are just giving her tips on how to look sad and pathetic and vulnerable to [STRIKE]outsiders[/STRIKE] men. As was observed by my boyfriend when she turned the little girl lost act on him. All as genuine as a nine pound note. And switched off the instant she realised he wasn't 100% 'on her side'.

[shrugs]

sjprmc01 wrote: »

GQ the liners look like what I have loads of (in a bag somewhere not in use bar in. Youngest dds sock drawer) drawer organisers from ikea

Spot on.



Cat 2 has another vet visit in the morning. And I've cleared up the bowls as she will be having repeat bloods. She suspects something, as she's not up here. Just have to catch her in the morning. Poor thing. But she's not allowed to expire. I've told her.

SpikyHedgehog

Forgot to say, I did get rid of the bike!

Tomorrow morning, I have a fasting blood test at the drs. There's nothing wrong with my cholesterol levels, but its standard following my 40+ health check as my BMI is over 30. So, a reason to stop hoarding food on me...

DS2 is playing with things from his craft trolley more now, he's got room to use them & room to see them.