Joint finances - question Re: more-one-sided big purchases

Hockeynut

We met a few years ago, moved in with each other quickly, and kept everyhing separate as we knew we were taking a risk. What can I say, we were old enough to know what we wanted and didn't want to waste time.

Financially she did pretty ok, as she rented out her old place, whereas I kept my own mortgage separate.

So cue a couple of years on, about a month ago, we sold my place, kept hers to continue renting out, and we bought a nicer place for us to live together in. We are also getting married about two months. So we've taken the opportunity to get our joint account doing the hard work, instead of us both having separate and transferring money left right and centre, and inevitably losing track. It works well, my OH is good with finances, despite having some debt, whereas I'm not very good and also have some debt.

We both earn a similar amount and both have a similar amount of debt, however, we are pretty comfortable. We haven't changed the account our wages get paid into or anything yet, but most of the bills have now been moved to the joint, along with our now joint mortgage. So after each payday our standing orders transfer money into the joint, and also including the rent from her old place. All is looking good. We have taken this approach as we started thinking about the future, and what is mine will be hers and vice versa. The money is ours together and it enables me to throw more money at paying her higher interest debt off, over my own initially. As we both lose if we take the selfish approach of paying off equally from each. So far so good. :j

The biggest thing though that made us look at doing this was talk of starting a family after we are married. So before we set the budget for purchasing our new house, we had to make sure we could afford it even with the new house mortgage etc. And obviously if she only gets statutory maternity pay it makes things tight, though only for a few months... It would't be fair on my OH to have no money those months, and there's only one way that the difference can be made up and that is by using our money as one, not separately. Plus obviously what if she drops her hours afterwards? Same thing, we are a team and we both want it, so it makes sense to use it as one pot and use it for the best for us and our household/family.

Then the other day my OH says..... oh no, what about Christmas and birthdays, you will know what I spent and where! I think we've overcome that one, we usually agree an amount for Christmas, say £70, so it's simple, we draw it out or whatever and it takes care of it.

It is also doing good for me, I haven't been flittering away my money on stupid little things here and there. Less unnecessary expensive shop served coffee and pastries when going to work in the morning, that kind of thing. It's really helping me question my purchases.

But then the other day I was thinking how I'd really like some new speakers, they are the kind of thing that are £600. (Edit: After reading replies, I should make this clear that it is not something I intend to do until our debt is sorted!) It's definitely a fairly one-sided purchase, although she will enjoy them, she would equally be happy with the £100 ones, so the excess is of my making as I'm the one who would really appreciate them. She is very understanding most of the time when it comes to my boys-toys like that, if she knows it is something I love and would appreciate.... but I think I'm more conscious now that it's all one pot.

It's not like I have a personal allowance, as we just use it together now, as we are in this together. So I'm interested in hearing from other people who use a similar method, as to how you go about any bigger more one-sided purchases?


(Sorry for the lengthy post! Thanks for reading.)

And btw, I know what OH means, but what does DH mean?

onlyroz

Well while we have a joint account for the bills, we also have our personal accounts as well - we transfer approx half each of our salaries each month into the joint account and what is left is nominally "ours". If a big purchase is required we would assess whether it is something that would benefit both of us (e.g. a holiday, or some double glazing or whatever) in which case we will stump up an amount each. If it is a toy mainly for one of us then that person will usually buy it out of their own pot. E.g. I wasn't going to pay half towards hubby's new headphones, but I was happy to make a contribution towards his car because we need two cars in the household. However, we each pay the running costs towards our own cars.

SkintGypsy

I'll be honest with you, there is NO WAY on God's green earth I would allow my husband to spend £600 of joint money for sound. Equally, he would not consider a Mulberry handbag to be a worthwhile purchase. You both have debt. Perhaps the time to spend £600 on noise is when the debts are paid off and you can both have £600 treat money.

ETA- DH is darling husband. I don't use it, as it makes me feel a little bit sick.

Also, when I say 'allow', I mean agree. I an aware that the two are entirely different.

rpc

If it's shared money, it's shared money.

If you want, and can reasonably afford, the speakers then you should both be able to agree to buy them. Likewise when she wants something.

Trust and communication are essential - I don't track my wife's shoes or clinique, she doesn't sweat about computer games and gadgets. Big purchases are discussed beforehand, but if you throw your money together jointly you have to trust each other to manage it.

There are some purchases I want to make, but am delaying because it would eat into our contingency money. There are other purchases that I want to make, but won't for the same reason, that she says I should buy myself. Oddly, she is trying to get me to buy something I want and I am resisting - but we each understand the other point of view so there are no problems.

rpc

SkintGypsy wrote: »

I'll be honest with you, there is NO WAY on God's green earth I would allow my husband to spend £600 of joint money for sound.

Who are you to decide? If it joint money (and there is only joint money), then he has as much right to decide how it is spent as you do. If you can't afford it, it comes down to trust, but if he wants something and you can afford it then why do you have the right to deny him?

Spending money while in debt may not be sensible, but joint pots where only one person is in total control (or there is a unilateral veto) is a recipe for disaster.

tea_lover

I know this wasn't what you asked about but do you really need £600 speakers when you both have debts to pay off?

toniq

Dh = Dear/Darling Husband/hubby

We consult each other on purchases over £100, anything under we don't, My hubby like yourself likes his toys and will wait till everythings paid out before considering buying something expensive.

daisiegg

Hockeynut wrote: »

And btw, I know what OH means, but what does DH mean?

Dear Husband I think.

Judith_W

My DH (darling husband) and I have a very similar system to you, except we have agreed a monthly 'pocket money' amount that reflects our income etc. It was £25 per month, now up to £40 due to DH promotion. If I was in your situation we wouldn't have more than £10 per month until the debt was paid as its not our money - its the creditors!!

It does mean you have to save for big purchases, so my DH saved for nearly a year to get a new PS3 and I can't just go out and get dresses and shoes all the time.

If it is a purchase we will both get the benefit of then we will agree how much comes from shared money as you mention. E.g. PS3 also used as a blueray, so was happy to contribute £50 from shared money towards it.

£600 does seem a very high spend if you are paying off debt.

This works perfectly for us.

SkintGypsy

Rpc, I edited my post-they crossed.

Who I am, is the person who worked her !!! off to get us out of nearly £30k of debt by budgeting and doing spreadsheets and penny pinching for three years. I am the reason we have savings and are overpaying our mortgage.

He shows his appreciation for my hard work by listening to my reasoned arguments and not jumping head first into buying toys that he doesn't need. We are a team.

notatvstar

hmmmm interesting question. Me and my OH (Other Half) have been together for 6 years or so but still have separate finances. If we want something big, then we sort of take it turns... Ummm I'm not sure how to describe it really, but there's no 'This is for you,' or 'This is for me'. It's basically whoever has the cash at the time.

He's not my DH (Darling Husband) though.