Racked with guilt

DylanO

City_girl wrote: »

I meant to say have never called the police in the past, edited it now.

I am not looking for sympathy and I don't want my violence to be excused. I was a victim in the past but now know that my husband is the victim.

So you are now saying that he has never been violent to you before?

City_girl

kathy_virginvie wrote: »

Have you spoken to someone about this? Therapist, Doctor, counsellor, someone else? You've been hurt, physically, mentally and emotionally. There are going to be issues from your past that you maybe haven't dealt with, and they are now affecting your current relationship.
If possible, talk. Preferably to your husband to start with. Be completely open and honest with him. If you're struggling you will need support. If need be go see a professional.
It sounds like your husband wants to be there for you, but is maybe scared of your anger, which is why he'll not stay at night. But he's still calling every day - that's a positive thing. He's maybe giving you time to sort things out within yourself. Seriously, talk to him. Communication and trust is the key factors in any and every relationship.

Thinking about you x

I have had counselling in the past, have also been in hospital where I was getting therapy, which helped at the time, but this was a few years ago.

I have told my husband about what I have experienced in the past, which I feel I shouldn't have as he will sometimes throw it back in my face and say it was my fault for the way my ex treated me.

This is all happened today, so I will have to see if he comes tomorrow to see me. I do believe that he does want to be with me, this just has been the final straw.

I do need support and hope to have counselling.

City_girl

DylanO wrote: »

So you are now saying that he has never been violent to you before?

He has been violent in the past, but this is because I have got so angry and lashed out, that he has retaliated.

City_girl

heartbreak_star wrote: »

I'd say couples counselling will be a better way forward if you are determined to be together. You need to put this to him.

As a woman who was in a violent relationship many years ago, I found women's groups to be worse than useless - but I hope things have changed a lot since then!!

Good luck.

HBS x

I have always said that I need/going to get help but have not kept at it. Even when I had my last counselling sessions my behaviour was still the same. Think he has just gotten fed up with my promises.

HeadAboveWater

City_girl wrote: »

I have always said that I need/going to get help but have not kept at it. Even when I had my last counselling sessions my behaviour was still the same. Think he has just gotten fed up with my promises.

Maybe. And you gotta think seriously about this. I'm assuming that by posting on here you realise you need help. That's your first big step. Well done Now you go get the help you need. But you've made a promise so stick at it. You may lose what you've got if you're not careful and I think you know that. Hopefully it's sorted now before things get out of hand.

And the past is not your fault.

Tiddlywinks

Ginger_Poodle wrote: »

Based on the thread title, and the OP saying how terrible she feels, I don't see her as being completely unapologetic. I agree that she badly overstepped the mark, but there may be some mitigation here. A violent relationship in the past never leaves you.

I think she needs some compassion

No she doesn't - she needs to be told bluntly that her actions were absolutely unacceptable. She cannot become violent as a kind of pre-emptive strike (to get him before he gets her) and then call the police about him - she is unbalanced and needs to get help but her OH needs to remove himself from the situation to protect himself.

City_girl wrote: »

This morning things got very heated after I wanted to know why he has been acting the way he is lately, and I pushed him, and then he grabbed my arms to stop me hitting him.

I called the police on him, because I was scared of him hitting me. They came and advised him to leave the house.
........

Also I know how stretched the police are, so really don't want to be told that I was wasting their time etc.

You DID waste their time though didn't you? Plus you've insinuated to them that your OH is a threat to you - how would you feel if that had been done to you?

City_girl wrote: »

He has been violent in the past, but this is because I have got so angry and lashed out, that he has retaliated.

So, he has tried to defend himself?

Sorry, but you need to get some anger management help yourself.

I also think that you would both be better off living apart in the interim so that you don't have the chance to get into this kind of situation again - or one of you could end up physically hurt or with a criminal record.

City_girl

kathy_virginvie wrote: »

Maybe. And you gotta think seriously about this. I'm assuming that by posting on here you realise you need help. That's your first big step. Well done Now you go get the help you need. But you've made a promise so stick at it. You may lose what you've got if you're not careful and I think you know that. Hopefully it's sorted now before things get out of hand.

And the past is not your fault.

I really need help. I do feel that today and what I did was the last straw for him and I will lose him if I carry on like I have been. Just feel so upset that he may not come back tonight.

City_girl

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

No she doesn't - she needs to be told bluntly that her actions were absolutely unacceptable. She cannot become violent as a kind of pre-emptive strike (to get him before he gets her) and then call the police about him - she is unbalanced and needs to get help but her OH needs to remove himself from the situation to protect himself.



You DID waste their time though didn't you? Plus you've insinuated to them that your OH is a threat to you - how would you feel if that had been done to you?



So, he has tried to defend himself?

Sorry, but you need to get some anger management help yourself.

I also think that you would both be better off living apart in the interim so that you don't have the chance to get into this kind of situation again - or one of you could end up physically hurt or with a criminal record.

I know I need anger management. I don't want to be in this situation again which is why I am going to get help.

pearl123

I'm confused, has your present partner ever been physicaly voilent towards you?

OP, as you have been a victim of domestic violence, perhaps consider that you don't want to then go on to behave in a similiar fashion. I.e - the violent bully.
Dysfunctional behaviours can be passed on if you let it. You could then go on to be the bully!

Birdy12

City_girl wrote: »

I was a victim in the past but now know that my husband is the victim.

And, I assume, when you were a victim you were advised that nobody had the right to be physically abusive to you and that you should get out of the relationship.

I think somebody should be telling your husband this now.

When a woman posts on here saying their partner/husband has hit them, there's more than enough people telling her to pack her bags and leave, the husband/partner will never change, it will only continue.

However, when a woman posts to say they're the one who has been physically abusive, they're shown compassion?

People who post on other issues are told to pack their bags for a lot less.

I'm intrigued as to why you felt the need to air this on a forum. You already seem to know what you need to do.