Racked with guilt

City_girl

Am a regular poster but didn't want this post this porblem under my regular user name.

Have been with my husband for four years, married for less than one, and we have always had our ups and downs.

Have been in a very abusive relationship about ten years ago and now have very low self esteem issues and anger problems.

My husband for the past week has had a problem with everything I have done/said, always making out that I have problems which has really upset and angered me.

This morning things got very heated after I wanted to know why he has been acting the way he is lately, and I pushed him, and then he grabbed my arms to stop me hitting him.

I called the police on him, because I was scared of him hitting me. They came and advised him to leave the house.

He went out for a while and did come back to have something to eat, and said he is not sleeping here for a week, but will come every day.

I feel so bad that I called the police on him. I have never called them on him before, and I only called them because I was so scared.

I really don't know what to do, I love him so much, and want this marriage to work.

Also I know how stretched the police are, so really don't want to be told that I was wasting their time etc.

DebtFreein5Months

Oh dear Are the Police charging him?
Have you thought about couples counselling? That might be a good neutral place for you to air how you feel and maybe you could talk to the counsellor about further session to talk about your anger?

Good luck x

DylanO

So you became violent and you called the police on him? If he has any sense he'll be running far, far away from you.

The fact that you try to excuse your disgraceful behaviour shows how completely unapologetic you really are.

HeadAboveWater

City_girl wrote: »

Have been in a very abusive relationship about ten years ago and now have very low self esteem issues and anger problems.

My husband for the past week has had a problem with everything I have done/said, always making out that I have problems which has really upset and angered me.

Have you spoken to someone about this? Therapist, Doctor, counsellor, someone else? You've been hurt, physically, mentally and emotionally. There are going to be issues from your past that you maybe haven't dealt with, and they are now affecting your current relationship.
If possible, talk. Preferably to your husband to start with. Be completely open and honest with him. If you're struggling you will need support. If need be go see a professional.
It sounds like your husband wants to be there for you, but is maybe scared of your anger, which is why he'll not stay at night. But he's still calling every day - that's a positive thing. He's maybe giving you time to sort things out within yourself. Seriously, talk to him. Communication and trust is the key factors in any and every relationship.

Thinking about you x

City_girl

DylanO wrote: »

So you became violent and you called the police on him? If he has any sense he'll be running far, far away from you.

The fact that you try to excuse your disgraceful behaviour shows how completely unapologetic you really are.

This is exactly why I didn't post under my normal user name. I know my behaviour was disgraceful which is why I am racked with guilt. I haven't called the police on him before and only did today because I was worried the situation would estcalate.

Ginger_Poodle

DylanO wrote: »

So you became violent and you called the police on him? If he has any sense he'll be running far, far away from you.

The fact that you try to excuse your disgraceful behaviour shows how completely unapologetic you really are.

Based on the thread title, and the OP saying how terrible she feels, I don't see her as being completely unapologetic. I agree that she badly overstepped the mark, but there may be some mitigation here. A violent relationship in the past never leaves you.

I think she needs some compassion

DylanO

City_girl wrote: »

This is exactly why I didn't post under my normal user name. I know my behaviour was disgraceful which is why I am racked with guilt. I called the police because in the past he has become violent to me, and I was worried that because of my anger it would spiral out of control.

I should've thought that you would mention such an important piece of information in your OP. As it stands, it now sounds very much like an excuse for your behavior.

There was another poster who admitted to violently attacking her husband on here and pretty soon the thread had been turned around so that she was the victim and the husband (whose crime had been to criticise BGT) who was attacked by his wife (who is trained in martial arts) was the biggest monster going.

So if you were looking for sympathy, you'll probably get it and your violent actions will be excused.

Regardless of the above, I don't think either of you should be in your relationship.

City_girl

DebtFreein5Months wrote: »

Oh dear Are the Police charging him?
Have you thought about couples counselling? That might be a good neutral place for you to air how you feel and maybe you could talk to the counsellor about further session to talk about your anger?

Good luck x

The police aren't charging him because I was the one that started it, they just advised him to leave, which is why I think that he is staying away tonight because the police told him to. I don't think he would try couples counselling. He says it is all my fault(which I know it is). I have had counselling in the past, which mainly focused on CBT and have just called a womens group who are going to call me back within the next couple of weeks to arrange an assessment for counselling.

Thank you

City_girl

DylanO wrote: »

I should've thought that you would mention such an important piece of information in your OP. As it stands, it now sounds very much like an excuse for your behavior.

There was another poster who admitted to violently attacking her husband on here and pretty soon the thread had been turned around so that she was the victim and the husband (whose crime had been to criticise BGT) who was attacked by his wife (who is trained in martial arts) was the biggest monster going.

So if you were looking for sympathy, you'll probably get it and your violent actions will be excused.

Regardless of the above, I don't think either of you should be in your relationship.

I meant to say have never called the police in the past, edited it now.

I am not looking for sympathy and I don't want my violence to be excused. I was a victim in the past but now know that my husband is the victim.

heartbreak_star

I'd say couples counselling will be a better way forward if you are determined to be together. You need to put this to him.

As a woman who was in a violent relationship many years ago, I found women's groups to be worse than useless - but I hope things have changed a lot since then!!

Good luck.

HBS x

DebtFreein5Months

City_girl wrote: »

The police aren't charging him because I was the one that started it, they just advised him to leave, which is why I think that he is staying away tonight because the police told him to. I don't think he would try couples counselling. He says it is all my fault(which I know it is). I have had counselling in the past, which mainly focused on CBT and have just called a womens group who are going to call me back within the next couple of weeks to arrange an assessment for counselling.

Thank you

If you suggested the couples thing to him, and told him about the counselling that you're planning for youself - at least that would show him that you realise that you have issues that you need to work on and that you want him to help you (or at least support you) while you work through them