Going back to work full time - guilt :(

Turtle2010

Hi All

My DS is 9 months old, and today i've made the decision to go back to work full time.

I've been back since April on a part time basis, but we're struggling so bad financially. I've tried all I can to budget and stick to it, but lately unforseen bills have cropped up and we're literally on the breadline.

I'm totally beating myself up over it, burst into tears in front of my boss when I approached her about it (she was fantastic) and my supervisor who is a full time working mum herself was so supportive. The only person thinking i'm making a mistake and feeding my guilt.....my mother. :mad::mad::mad:

I'm no stranger to her complete disregard in anything I do, i've never been good enough, never will be. I've never heard a positive word from her, not even on my wedding day or when I gave birth to my son. The negativity is draining but I deal with it, what else can you do?

Things have changed a LOT in the past 30 odd years since she's had me (and didn't go back to work until I was 13) we simply can't afford to be a one wage family, and cant afford to even be one and a half wage family. My hubby bless him, works his butt off, but is a Police officer and with wage rise freezes, can only expect a hike in his pay if he goes up a level, and he's studying for that as we speak.

My DS is so happy with is childminder and she's great, I have no qualms there. I'm just gutted that i won't have as much time with him, just evenings and weekends.

Rubbish, tears on again.....sorry!! :(:(

j.e.j.

Turtle2010 wrote: »

Hi All

The only person thinking i'm making a mistake and feeding my guilt.....my mother. :mad::mad::mad:

I'm no stranger to her complete disregard in anything I do, i've never been good enough, never will be.

Well, what are mothers for if it's not to try and live out their expectations and failures through you.. (seeks roll-eyes smiley)

But what's more important is that you yourself don't sound happy at going back to work? Have you tried posting up an SOA over on the Debt-free wannabe board? People over there are really helpful and can often see ways of cutting back.

I think I'd be inclined to sit it out, tbh, even if money is very tight. Babies aren't babies for long and the extra money might not, in your mind, make up for the trauma of going back to work before you're ready.

Penny-Pincher!!

As you say OP, things have changed so much over the years and for many its a necessity for both parents to work. In the current climate in most households, 1 wage just isn't enough.

My main questions would be:

1)Do you like your job?
2)Do you get paid well?
3)Could you possibly work fewer hours?
4)How can I cut my outgoings?

I would do SOA and work out exactly what money you need coming in and work it from there.

At the end of the day, its really none of your mums business! Please don't let anyone make you feel guilty. It proves you have good work ethics and thats really something to be proud of.

Its very hard work getting a balance.

PP
xx

VfM4meplse

j.e.j. wrote: »

Well, what are mothers for if it's not to try and live out their expectations and failures through you.. (seeks roll-eyes smiley)

True, but they can be helpful as well when they want to be .

OP, I think this is guilt you are feeling more than anything else. Your decision to go back to work f/t was after all made in the best interest of your family? If you genuinely feel content whilst you are at work, I would at least give it a go. As long as your baby is in trustworthy hands and you make the most of the time you spend together then I think you'll be fine - in fact you'll be stunned at how fast time passes by.

Turtle2010

Hello

Thanks for your replies

I do like my job, I get paid really well (if I left and did the same elsewhere I wouldn't get close to my salary), I'd really need to work the 37.5 hours to earn what I think we need....and cutting my outgoings...well I know there's a few things we could do to sort that. Thanks for the idea of doing a SOA, I think i'll do that.

My decision was totally made in the best interest of my family I know if I continue part time, the stress would eventually take its toll on my marriage and effectively my little boy's happiness. I may only have to do this for a couple of years, wait til DH gets his promotion and take it from there.

I've never not wanted to work, i've had a job since I was 15 and have even taken part time work whilst working full time when i've fancied a holiday or something (in my single days) and i've always had a strong work ethic, but I never imagined i'd have to work full time whilst raising my family. I'm lucky to have such a flexible workplace tbh.

Mojisola

Turtle2010 wrote: »

The only person thinking i'm making a mistake and feeding my guilt.....my mother. :mad::mad::mad:

I'm no stranger to her complete disregard in anything I do, i've never been good enough, never will be. I've never heard a positive word from her, not even on my wedding day or when I gave birth to my son. The negativity is draining but I deal with it, what else can you do?

This isn't really a problem about going back to work - you've weighed everything up and know it's the best thing for your family.

Your mother's attitude is the issue - if it wasn't about going back to work, it would be about something else.

When you have a toxic person in your life and can't cut them out completely, you have to work round them. "I know you stayed at home but the world's a different place now" and change the subject. If she keeps bringing up, repeat the above a couple of times and then tell her if she mentions it again, you're leaving/putting the phone down/will ask her to leave - whichever is appropriate.

If you stop engaging in her games, she'll have to find someone else to play with.

BitterAndTwisted

For some families the increase in wages doesn't always compensate for the additional costs of child-care when people go back to full-time work.

If you do a full SOA and post it up on the Debt-Free Wannabe part of the forum you might get some help, and might be able to see how you can continue working part-time.

I'm not a mother and never shall be, but I can see quite clearly that the time spent with a littlie is never time wasted. And you'll never get it back either. I'd be having a really hard think about how to remain part-time until your child is quite a bit older. Where there is a will, there is a way. Even if it means a change or drop in your standard of living. Kids don't care about any of that.

As to your mother, I'd do precisely as Mojisola suggested if you can't cut her out completely like a cancer. Negative and corrosive people need to be given a very wide berth indeed or kept firmly at arm's-length, even if you do love them.

gibson123

if you do go back to work, get yourself a cleaner until your wee one is older, it's not a luxury, it's essential, you want to spend your time off with the wee one and not with the hoover. as for your Mum, is she helping out, offering to do a wee tidy up or do your shopping so you can spend time with the baby ... no, then she's part of the problem. Good luck no matter what you do. It really is quality not quantity that counts.

CL

I work full time and have an 18 month old. I went back to work when she was 8 months old. My DH and I try to use our annual leave to get an extra couple of days a month at home with her. I also changed my hour so I start work early and finish early so i get more time with her in the evenings (my DH leaves her into creche in the mornings).

I definitely think it it quality time that matters. Someone could work part-time or be a SAHM and leave the LO in front of the TV for hours on end (I'm sure most don't), but making the best of the time you have is what matters. Your child will be proud that his Mum was out working to give him the best possible life.

averagemummy

I also work full time and have a 7 year old and a 2 year old. Both times I had to go back to work when they were about 4 months old as we simply didn't have the money for extended maternity leave.

I love my job but I hate being away from the kids. Thankfully we have an excellant nursery they both went to. The guilt changes over time, and at least I've been able to pay for special days and out and things to help assuage it.

My mother also doesn't really approve of me working full time, but she has come round over time. She has the youngest 1 day a week now and also the eldest after school. I think she has come to really enjoy having a close relationship with them. Would your mother ever consider that? Would help with the childcare costs and she might enjoy having little one for a day.

I console myself with the fact now that hopefully I'm passing on a strong work ethic to the next generation!

jellyhead

Yes, could your mother help out with a day or half a day of childcare? Is she nice to your baby, or critical and miserable? I know some mums who work full time and most of them have a mum or MIL who does 1 day of the childcare to help cut costs.

If your mum did that could you possibly work 4 days?

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty - you know that your baby is okay with the childminder. If it helps, my sister and my SIL both use full time childcare while I don't work at all, and all of our children are absolutely fine and now they're at school I don't think anyone could tell which ones had a stay at home mum.

As long as you're happy and they're happy, and you all have quality times at weekends etc. then everything will be okay. If you really don't want to go back to work full time then maybe you could work out how much debt there would be if you stayed in part time work until he went to school. But if working full time works best for you all then your mother's opinion doesn't really matter. Ask her to pay part of the nursery fees if she wants you to cut your hours