Affair complicated things

January20

My.Star wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.

I can't reply to them all, but I will say that he didn't know I was having an affair. He hates cheaters and has said that he'd leave me if I ever cheated on him. Before this, I felt the same. I don't haver any excuses for the affair, I knew what I was getting into. I always had the option to stop it, but I didn't. I actually wanted it.

I am full of guilt for the betrayal to my partner and myself. I know I should do the honourable thing and leave. The thing that is stopping me is the guilt. He will be so heartbroken if I leave him. I know time is a healer, but his life will be turned upside down by me leaving. He will be completely devastated. I don't think telling him about the affair would make things any easier for him. Maybe I could tell him about the affair. Maybe he would take me back and we could work on the marriage, but then he would know he had been betrayed in the worst possible way.

I really wish I didn't have the affair, but it does confirm my feelings towards the relationship.

If the affair is NOT the reason why you want to break up, then don't tell him about it. No point in hurting him any more than he has to be. Sometimes, being 100% honest is not the best thing to do.

Yes, he will be hurt but he will get over it. It will probably be worse 10 years down the line, when you've had kids and he becomes a part time dad.

Don't stay with him because of the guilt you feel, and because it's difficult to break up. That would only make a coward out of you, and a cruel one as you would be staying in a relationship with somebody you don't love anymore because of weakness and therefore not allowing him to find true love.

You should only stay if you love him and WANT to salvage the relationship. Staying because of guilt and fear is a poor choice imo, and only delaying the inevitable.

thorsoak

My.Star wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.

I can't reply to them all, but I will say that he didn't know I was having an affair. He hates cheaters and has said that he'd leave me if I ever cheated on him. Before this, I felt the same. I don't haver any excuses for the affair, I knew what I was getting into. I always had the option to stop it, but I didn't. I actually wanted it.

I am full of guilt for the betrayal to my partner and myself. I know I should do the honourable thing and leave. The thing that is stopping me is the guilt. He will be so heartbroken if I leave him. I know time is a healer, but his life will be turned upside down by me leaving. He will be completely devastated. I don't think telling him about the affair would make things any easier for him. Maybe I could tell him about the affair. Maybe he would take me back and we could work on the marriage, but then he would know he had been betrayed in the worst possible way.

I really wish I didn't have the affair, but it does confirm my feelings towards the relationship.

You have said it all - if you cheated, he would leave you. You have cheated. Youhave to leave him. Of course he will be heartbroken and of course you feel guilty - as so you should. But you have deceived him, you do not say that you love him still - and yes, you deserve to feel terrible. And for everyone to think that you are terrible for cheating like this. But heigh-ho- that's life. As my old mum would say - you made your bed - now lie in it!

When you play with fire, you burn your fingers.

FBaby

Alikay wrote: »

You're not a baby - you're a grown woman. You have already made the decision to be unfaithful and you no longer want to be with your husband.

I believe you should take responsibility for your actions. You are resourceful enough to look at what you think you should do, and what you want to do and find a path of action which is fairest to all involved.

You don't mention children, which makes things simpler.

I totally agree with that. You said you were unhappy and that's what led you to the situation you are now in. Was this a concious realisation the whole time, or a convenient state of mind to ease your guilt? If you were indeed unhappy, you still made the choice to stay until something came along rather than leaving your husband there and then.

You need to face the reality: you decided to look elsewhere, it led to something serious, you are now leaving your husband in one the most painful way. However, don't beat yourself up for it, you won't be the first, nor the last. My partner's wife did exactly what you did. It came as a total surprise to him. He hurt a lot, felt betrayed in every way (financially too), but he got over it...and now, he is massively thankful as otherwise, he would never have met me, the love of his life so he says

paulwellerfan

op you need to be true to yourself.
you are not responsible for how other people 'could feel'
if you dont want to be with your husband tell him.
he will get over it.

coinxoperated

Sometimes Cheating is the way of saying 'let me go!!' without actually having to say the word. Its sometimes nothing to do with the person your cheating with, but entirely about needing a 'reason' why it won't work. Some men just make us unhappy yet don't give us a 'reason' to leave and thats why we stay until we end up pushing as hard as we can. Unless he knows already, I suggest you don't mention your affair to him, say your unhappy as he is, and your leaving. yes, YOU. You are leaving. Not kicking him out. You leave. You sort yourself out, and enjoy being single. Don't think the person you had the affair with will be around in 6 months, because they probably wont' be. And once you have yourself sorted, you won't want them anyway. Just go. You would be upset if he left you too, but really, when you met someone 100x better and he did, you would see that it was the best thing that happened.

property.advert

You need to be single to grow up, to do the things a single person does as they grow up. You don't need another relationship though a few liaisons along the way is no bad thing.

Plan an exit financially and just do it. Don't drag it out, over in a day is the best way.

BugglyB

OP, I do feel for you. I do think you should seriously think about ending your marriage. Do you have children, by the way?

For gods sake whatever you do don't tell him about the affair and then say the reason you're leaving is because 'you don't deserve him' or 'he needs someone better than you'. Don't say things like 'I know I should do the honourable thing and leave'.

Own your emotions and stand up and if necessary be the 'bad guy' for a while. After all, you kind of are the bad guy. You are leaving him and he will be upset, you can't make him feel any better about that with platitudes about how he might meet someone who really deserves him.

Yes he will hate you and you will be 'the worse person ever'. Yes he will be angry and say hurtful things and yes it will be painful. And then things will settle down and one day it will seem like a distant nightmare.

Wickedkitten

My.Star wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.

He hates cheaters and has said that he'd leave me if I ever cheated on him.

I knew what I was getting into.

I always had the option to stop it, but I didn't.

I actually wanted it.

The thing that is stopping me is the guilt.

He will be so heartbroken if I leave him. I know time is a healer, but his life will be turned upside down by me leaving. He will be completely devastated.

I really wish I didn't have the affair, but it does confirm my feelings towards the relationship.

He already told you that if you cheated it was over, and you went ahead and cheated on him anyway. He may have been completely devastated if you ever left him, but by the look of it, if he knows you cheated on him, he would be happy to see the back of you.

If you already know your feelings towards the relationship then you may as well do the honourable thing and end it so you both can go out and find the right people to be with.