Affair complicated things

My.Star

Dear All,

I am a long time lurker to this forum and I decided to posy my story in the hope of getting some honest opinions.

Firstly, I am 29 years old. I met my husband at the age of 21 and by 24 we were happily married. For the past ~ 18 months I have been incredibly unhappy in my marriage, and I have on occasion started to think about what life might be like if I was single again. My unhappiness is making me miserable, which in turn makes my husband miserable. I have spoken to him on many occasions about why I am unhappy and what the reasons are, and while possibly fixable, nothing changes, and I am still left with the feeling of unhappiness.

And then I had an affair. I met someone and started thinking about him all the time and eventually we became friends. We hung out together all the time. I knew that I liked him a lot but I was completely naive to the fact that he liked me too. he knew I was married from the start and is single. After a while I started to realise that he liked me too. I knew where this was headed, as I've heard the stories all too often. I kept thinking to myself "you know what is coming so you can stop it from getting there". However I couldn't and it eventually turned physical, something I completely regret.

We are both emotionally involved and he would very much want to be with me. And although I do want to separate from my OH, I am struggling to as now I am wracked with guilt. I had the guilt of tearing his world apart, but now it just feels like I am leaving for the other man, even though I am not. I did have my reasons before meeting him and still have them. Also, I wouldn't want to shack up with another man straight after leaving a relationship anyway.

I don't know what I am asking for, having somewhere to write this all down certainly helps. Maybe some opinions would help too.

krlyr

You may change your husband's world by leaving him, but do you really think that it's fair to either of you continue living with someone you are unhappy with out of a sense of obligation or to avoid the guilt? Do the selfless thing, bear the guilt but do remember that you're also giving your husband a chance to meet someone who does love and want to be with him. It's not going to be easy but by staying in the unhappy marriage you're denying him that chance.

Seanymph

You seem so young to have made such big decisions.

I suspect if you leave your husband and move in with this 'new' man that once the excitement is no longer there, it is him leaving his socks on the floor and grunting in response because he is watching the football, or forgetting you went to the gp and asking how it went, and not listening closely when you try to say something important to you ............. then the 'new' man will hold less appeal and you will again go seeking 'Mr Knight on the white horse'.

What do you want to do?

Gloomendoom

krlyr wrote: »

...do remember that you're also giving your husband a chance to meet someone who does love and want to be with him. It's not going to be easy but by staying in the unhappy marriage you're denying him that chance.

Somehow I don't think he will find that much comfort.

BitterAndTwisted

The affair is a symptom of your unhappiness with your marriage. If you were happy and committed to your partner and to your futures together you wouldn't have embarked upon it. Do the honest thing and end your marriage, either to be with this person or to be on your own. Staying where you are now would be dishonest, both to yourself and to your husband.

heartbreak_star

I've been in this situation as I described on another thread, and the best analogy is it's better to pull off a plaster fast than slowly

HBS x

newcook

Even without this other guy in the equation I would say to leave your husband so you can both be happy. Otherwise you are only going to grow to resent your husband and continue to have affairs and that isn’t fair on either of you.

If you’ve said things have needed fixing in your marriage for a while but neither of you have done anything about it (even though you have both spoke about it) then it sounds to me that neither of you really want your marriage to work.

Sometimes people grow apart - but if you will both be happier apart than together then surely it’s the best thing to do.

tea_lover

My.Star wrote: »

I decided to posy my story in the hope of getting some honest opinions.

Well here goes....

My.Star wrote: »

I kept thinking to myself "you know what is coming so you can stop it from getting there". However I couldn't and it eventually turned physical, something I completely regret.

Of course you could have stopped it. You chose not to. You chose to cheat on your husband, nobody forced you into it. yes you probably feel bad now but the first thing you need to do is accept responsibility for your actions.

The only thing worse than cheating (in my opinion) is the excuse that "I couldn't help myself".

krlyr

Seanymph wrote: »

the 'new' man will hold less appeal and you will again go seeking 'Mr Knight on the white horse'.

You could say this about any single person going into a relationship too. Depends on whether OP's problems in her current marriage are just that it lost its "spark" or if they've changed - to get married at 21 is a young age and you can change so much in those 8 years, they may not be the same people they were when they married. Maybe the new fella is just more to OP's tastes, shares more morals and life goals, etc. rather than just being more exciting.

Gloomendoom wrote: »

Somehow I don't think he will find that much comfort.

I'm sure he won't at the time but what is the alternative? Two people stay in an unhappy marriage? It cannot be a bed of roses to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you and although I'm sure it will hurt both of them to end things, is it worth the longterm unhappiness to try to avoid that initial pain? My mum was heartbroken to end her 26 year marriage but looking back, she knew it had been over for years and is so pleased that it ended and she was able to meet my stepdad.


I think the situation is quite simple if you really break it down, you're unhappily marriaged, you (plural) can't or won't fix things, and even without this new man, you'd rather be single. The only complicated bit is working out the practicalities and getting the nerve to make the jump. Whether that's into this new man's house or into your own house/flat is up to you. If money is that big an issue, you don't even need to move out yet but you need to take the step to telling your husband that the marriage is over.

Jo84_2

You have to do whatever makes you happy. If you are unhappy in your marriage, and have been for some time, and you really believe there is no way you can make it work, I think you should end the marriage.

You only live once and life is for living, why spend the next 40/50/60 years being miserable and unhappy. Especially as you say it is in turn making your OH unhappy.

Why not sit down with your OH and discuss having a seperation and seeing how it goes?

JoJo

fluffnutter

Does your husband know about the affair?