Affair complicated things

Alikay

You're not a baby - you're a grown woman. You have already made the decision to be unfaithful and you no longer want to be with your husband.

I believe you should take responsibility for your actions. You are resourceful enough to look at what you think you should do, and what you want to do and find a path of action which is fairest to all involved.

You don't mention children, which makes things simpler.

Caroline_a

Affair apart, what has made you so unhappy in your marriage?

Nottoobadyet

Yes, break up with your husband. You deserve happiness and he deserves honesty.

Don't move in with the new man right away though - it sounds to me like this might be a time to spend on your own for a bit, working out what you want from life and who you are outside of a relationship.

lolly_896

I could have wrote this post,

although my friendship with B hasn't developed in to a physical relationship, but i know that i have grown to love him.

I love my husband too, but the thought of ruining his world and our family tears me apart.

I have cut all contact with B so that nothing develops any further. It is hard but i will make our marriage work, i'm not sure how. On the other hand i feel like i shouldnt have to work so hard, falling for somebody else shouldn't have been so easy...

Sorry i have nothing constructive to add

System

Big hugs Lolly_896

thehappybutterfly

My.Star wrote: »

Dear All,

For the past ~ 18 months I have been incredibly unhappy in my marriage, and I have on occasion started to think about what life might be like if I was single again. My unhappiness is making me miserable, which in turn makes my husband miserable. I have spoken to him on many occasions about why I am unhappy and what the reasons are, and while possibly fixable, nothing changes, and I am still left with the feeling of unhappiness.

You should not have had an affair no matter how bad things are. That's not a solution. That's weakness. Too many marriages go down the tubes because people don't put in enough effort. Marriage is hard work and if you're expecting hearts and flowers for the rest of your life, you're living in cloud cuckoo land. You've not said what's made you so unhappy. Is he mean to you, lazy, abusive etc or do you just feel "out of love" with him?

I go through this every few years with my husband - a feeling of discontent wondering what it would be like to be single with on myself to think about but it doesn't last. I feel the same about my job. Or my house. Of course you get bored with things and think "what if" - that's life, get over it.

All those posters saying to "get out, you deserve to be happy" - what about your husband's happiness? Maybe he'd be horrified that you're unhappy and would welcome the opportunity to, oh I don't know, save your marriage?

Perhaps I've over-reacted - maybe your husband's a pig but I've not got that impression from your posts.......

Breast_Cancer_Survivor

I think he will be more hurt by the fact you have been cheating than you falling out of love with him.

I have never been cheated on to my knowledge but I know that it would completely destroy my self confidence.

I think it cowardly quite frankly that people don't have the balls to leave until they find someone else as deep down they are insecure & don't want to be on there own.

Sorry if i've offended anyone but I feel very strongly about cheat's.

System

Well, personally 'd have said you should maybe have tried to talk thng over with your husband first. Did he know how unhappy you were? There could have been a chance to talk things through and perhaps fnd someway to save things.

However, now you've already made the choice to cheat thnk the best thing you can do is walk away from this. Its not fair on your husband to carry on with this other man behind his back. Whether you leave to be with the other man, or just to be on your own, i'm not sure there is any gong back from this. Some marriages can survive adultery, many can't. In the very least you should take yourself perhaps away for some time to think about how you feel and get some space.

My.Star

Thanks for all the replies.

I can't reply to them all, but I will say that he didn't know I was having an affair. He hates cheaters and has said that he'd leave me if I ever cheated on him. Before this, I felt the same. I don't haver any excuses for the affair, I knew what I was getting into. I always had the option to stop it, but I didn't. I actually wanted it.

I am full of guilt for the betrayal to my partner and myself. I know I should do the honourable thing and leave. The thing that is stopping me is the guilt. He will be so heartbroken if I leave him. I know time is a healer, but his life will be turned upside down by me leaving. He will be completely devastated. I don't think telling him about the affair would make things any easier for him. Maybe I could tell him about the affair. Maybe he would take me back and we could work on the marriage, but then he would know he had been betrayed in the worst possible way.

I really wish I didn't have the affair, but it does confirm my feelings towards the relationship.

krlyr

My.Star wrote: »

I really wish I didn't have the affair, but it does confirm my feelings towards the relationship.

As in, you're now terribly wracked with guilt and realise that your husband is the one for you? Or that it's made you realise that you're unhappy in your marriage and wish to be with someone else?