Custody advice

clearingout

re: going abroad - if you are separated, technically she can't take the children out of the country without your consent. If she does, you can claim abduction and drag the thing through court. It wouldn't be a good move for her. If she has a Residence Order, she gets to take them out of the country for 28 days without your say-so. It is not considered reasonable that either parent stop a child having a holiday - if you said no, she could apply for a Specific Issue Order and it is likely it would be granted. You could do the same.

if she has family abroad (is it immediate family- parents? brothers and sisters?), you need a solicitor. As well as wikivorce.com, also have a look at reunite.org. Is she actually American? I would personally ask that immediately upon separation you ask for the children's passports to be lodged with one of your solicitors as you consider her a potential 'flight risk' (even if you don't) as she sounds like she's going to be a nightmare. The children leaving the country is not something you need to dealing with on top of everything else.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

You need to apply to the courts for a 50/50 shared residence order which you are likely to be awarded, unless the judge see's a good reason not to.

GeekyJoe

Thanks MissMonkeyMoo, clearingout.

MissMonkeyMoo, you're right. There aren't many people I can trust at the moment. One of the common friends (whom I'm quite close to) I actually did confide in about my situation and he looked at me like I was making it up. Of course looking from his point of view why would he believe me anyway based on her exemplary behaviour outside. One of my childhood friends though who went through divorce though gave me the same advice i.e. keep a journal which I do now. I keep an online journal.
I did suggest counselling to her and we did go for around 6 sessions, but I stopped it because she would again sweet talk the cousellor, lots of crying, lots of 'I know I shouldn't do that and I'll try' (but the behaviour is exactly the same i.e. no change). I just had to stop it since I found it not worth as I was paying for it and she enjoyed putting on a show. She was only too happy to stop so she had a chance to accuse me again 'Well you wanted to go and now you want to stop'

clearingout, thanks a lot for the advice. I understand what you mean now and thinking it from your point of view it does make sense. Either way like you said is rotten I'll have to research this now like you advised in more detail. Sometimes its like burying your head in the sand hoping for it to get better and for to get some sense. But that's wisful thinking. Also start saving a few pennies separately now so I can afford a few solicitor sessions. I guess I can use the time to get my research done and ask more targeted questions.


To clarify, she is British as I am, her family has just moved to the US and have been staying there for the last few years now. Children have a British passport too. The problem is she knows I won't go to the their place (and definitely not at their expense) and even if I decided to join them the time she decides to go there is during holiday seasons when the ticket prices are very expensive (so I can't afford it). To spend the holidays alone is very depressing and I have to keep constantly chasing them up over the phone to try and speak with my daughters I know, even if we separate there will be the issue of her wanting to take them there for the holidays. I would like to spend time with them for once on my terms with or without the separation

GeekyJoe

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow wrote: »

You need to apply to the courts for a 50/50 shared residence order which you are likely to be awarded, unless the judge see's a good reason not to.

Thanks, is a 50/50 shared residence where we both stay together after the separation? If so, wouldn't that be weird?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

no it's where the child spends half the time with each parent. This is the way the courts are going now unless there is a good reason not to.

clearingout

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow wrote: »

You need to apply to the courts for a 50/50 shared residence order which you are likely to be awarded, unless the judge see's a good reason not to.

I don't agree this is the case in the situation that is being described if mum is opposed (which she clearly is). 50/50 is a rare order although shared residence in some other ratio of time spent with each parent is increasingly common. the OP needs advice from a solicitor before making such a move - I would be surprized if it were recommended.

OP - another source of useful information would be Families Need Fathers.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

"50/50 is a rare order "






not so rare anymore:)

clearingout

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow wrote: »

"50/50 is a rare order "






not so rare anymore:)

I'd be interested in the stats on that one? do you have any links?

Alcofrolic

You have had some good advice here already. But have a look at http://www.dad.info/dad-talk-forum/legal-eagle they really know their stuff with regards to seperation and helping Dads who really dont have much rights when it comes to their children. They also can give free legal advice and advise on how to represent yourself in court if you are unable to afford a solicitor.

My partner and I have in the last year got full custody of his 4 children and it really was a fight. And even though their mother put them in danger with her choice of partner and allowed her partner to abuse the children, neglected them and goes months without contacting them the courts seem to think its still a good idea that they have contact with their mother. Everytime she comes back in their lives we have bed wetting and nightmares and problems in school, then she goes off and we have to pick up the pieces and sort them out for her to come back and do it again.

Your wife may have confidence in what she is saying because it seems to be the norm. Women can go into court and lie their !!! off and have no proof what so ever and the court with believe them and can deny you all contact or make it supervised when previously you have been a wonderful father. It can really be one sided so you need to get all help and advice you can. Keep her sweet as long as you can while you get advice and help.

Good luck with it all.

GeekyJoe

Thanks Alcofrolic, that is really helpful information.