Urgent funeral help please

xxdeebeexx

londonsurrey wrote: »

I went with the Coop for my husband's funeral. I wanted no priest, no songs, nothing religious.

They found it perfectly normal, and even had a chap who specialised in non-religious services.

Thanks... how did you 'fill' the time?

I am concerned that there will be no 'shape' and too many empty silences

dx

londonsurrey

There was a factual eulogy by the chap - he was very good, having been in the industry for decades, and naturally drew out the story from me of how we met, etc.

However, if you are worried about how to fill in the time, I suspect that the best people with ideas will be the funeral directors. They were truly excellent, and this is coming from me, who was very angry and traumatised at the time (sudden death, unexpected as only middle aged, I was smeared with his blood trying to revive him, etc)

One thing that occurs to me is members of the family going up to him with a flower each? It might not be to your taste?

londonsurrey

Thinking about it, I had a eulogy but no songs, and your mother wants non-sad songs but no eulogy, so I suppose that really, there's the same length of time filled.

I've looked up a sample order of service:
1. Entry of the coffin
2. Welcome and introduction to the service
3. Readings and sermon
4. Prayers
5. The committal

So for events 3 and 4 your mother wants just songs, and maybe anything like the laying of flowers? That would work, wouldn't it?

xxdeebeexx

londonsurrey wrote: »

who was very angry and traumatised at the time (sudden death, unexpected as only middle aged, I was smeared with his blood trying to revive him, etc)

How awful for you, how terribly sad.........

One thing that occurs to me is members of the family going up to him with a
flower each? It might not be to your taste?

I suggested this idea to my sister earlier this evening but she doesn't like the idea. I thought we could ask everyone to bring some flowers from their garden and could add to the floral tribute if they wanted to..... anyway she thought it was tacky.

I have no ideas....I'm empty headed, running on auto pilot ...... haven't even cried yet

dx

xxdeebeexx

londonsurrey wrote: »

Thinking about it, I had a eulogy but no songs, and your mother wants non-sad songs but no eulogy, so I suppose that really, there's the same length of time filled.

I've looked up a sample order of service:
1. Entry of the coffin
2. Welcome and introduction to the service
3. Readings and sermon
4. Prayers
5. The committal

So for events 3 and 4 your mother wants just songs, and maybe anything like the laying of flowers? That would work, wouldn't it?

Thank you!
That looks like a plan.

I'm sure the funeral director will have a similar plan.... but I had nothing in my head, no idea of the form or sequence of things.

Thank you

dx

Summerstage

So sorry for your loss. A very difficult time indeed.

All I can add is, have been to religious services in the past where it all seems (to me anyway), very impersonal. Almost like a "template" where they could add anyones name into the service.

Over the last few years, I have noticed that more Humanists are being used and personally I have found every time the service to be warm and personal. They do this by talking to those close to the departed,to find the essence of the person, what they were and what they were to others.

I guesss your Mum is still in shock, like yourself. Take the time to meet with the professionals, let them know your concerns and they will work with you and I am sure you will end up with something fitting.

Take care, my thoughts are with you xx

londonsurrey

You're very welcome.

Don't worry about the service, the funeral directors are really good and expect to deal with the bewildered. They'll ensure that something is put together. They were very human - actually, they treated me with a whole lot more humanity than our families did!

It's only if YOU feel you want something in particular in the service that you need to speak up.

As for crying, not crying, thinking, trying to think, etc, don't worry. Whatever you're doing or not doing is perfectly normal. The world has tipped, and your mind is doing its own thing to sort out the new way of looking at things.

Just make sure that you and your mother are hydrated, and eat reasonably. Maybe take some vitamins. Make sure that your physical self is kept ticking over while your brain's doing all this processing. You don't need you or your mum to get ill over simple lack of nourishment.

I wish you all the best.

rosie-lee

Do ask your funeral director or ring your local registrar. Some Local Authority Registrars offer to do a non religious ceremony and will be much less expensive than a private celebrant.

Very sorry for your loss at this difficult time.

coolcait

Summerstage wrote: »

So sorry for your loss. A very difficult time indeed.

All I can add is, have been to religious services in the past where it all seems (to me anyway), very impersonal. Almost like a "template" where they could add anyones name into the service.

Over the last few years, I have noticed that more Humanists are being used and personally I have found every time the service to be warm and personal. They do this by talking to those close to the departed,to find the essence of the person, what they were and what they were to others.

I guesss your Mum is still in shock, like yourself. Take the time to meet with the professionals, let them know your concerns and they will work with you and I am sure you will end up with something fitting.

Take care, my thoughts are with you xx

I don't think that it's always as clear cut as "religious funerals are impersonal" and "humanist services are warm and personal"

I've certainly been to funerals which fit those descriptions. I've also been to warm, personal religious funerals, and to humanist funerals which were like the recitation of a Wikipedia biography - right down to dates.

For me, the funerals which were the most personal were the ones where the family had worked with the person taking the service.

It's important to know what you don't want, and to get that message across. It's even more important to know what you do want - and to get that message across.

For example, if you say 'don't wear black', a lot of people will turn up in navy, dark grey and (maybe ) purple). Not black, but not colourful. If you want people to wear bright colours, you have to say that.

jackieb

I agree, my Dad had a very personal and hugely comforting religious service - and there was even laughter.

One thing I will say is, when you get a visit from whoever is taking the service, try and get as much close family or friends with you when talk about your Dad to him. Your Mum will be upset, everyone will be, but the more people that are there, the easier the stories and anecdotes will come. When my Mum had a visit from the person who was taking the service, there were 8 of us there. We'd been worried about what we could tell him, but once we all started talking it was easy. And then he met with one of my Dad's friends to get more dates and stories of his earlier years.