Urgent funeral help please

whitewing

xxdeebeexx wrote: »

Would this be arrange with individual people before the funeral... or do you ask people to say something if they want to?

dx

I would talk to the funeral director first about it. Then I would arrange it with people beforehand as not everyone wants to speak at funerals and sometimes the most unexpected people say something that is so touching.

I did the eulogy at my nan's and it is surprising how much basic info you don't know about someone until you come to write it down.

If you do do memories, I would ask each person to write a short piece, and maybe no more than 10 mins altogether which is about two sides of typed A4 paper at the most (bit less if more than one person). Or different people could submit the memories but one person - even funeral director - read them.

GobbledyGook

xxdeebeexx wrote: »

I think that's what I'm worried about.

By Mums reckoning it will last about 4.5 minutes

dx

That might be enough, but perhaps if she starts talking it through with a celebrant they will mention things that she likes the sound of.

The other thing as well is, if you and your siblings (if you have any) feel very strongly about something then you should mention it. Your Mum may just have not thought about other people at the moment.

duchy

I visited two funeral directors two weeks ago helping a friend arrange a funeral.

Both asked if we wanted a religious or humanist funeral
As for who speaks -that's entirely up to you-at the funeral (it was today) both the widower and the deceased's sister spoke -They had prepared notes in advance. I think it would be hard for people to speak without notice-most people would like notice to think about what they'd like to say.

Think about what music you'd like . Doesn't need to be religious .

The person conducting the service will contact you ahead of the service to discuss details so you don't have to decide the exact format straight away-just that you want a humanist service.

Service was about thirty minutes today if that helps. I don't think simple means impersonal by any means . Funerals don't have to be somber -they can be a celebration of a life and a loving farewell.

At my Mum's funeral we chose not to speak ourselves but the priest asked us for memories and stories and he gave the most fab eulogy full of happy stories about my Mum illustrating what a wonderful wife/sister/mother/friend she was.

The funeral director will need to know what type of service you want but the details of what will be said and by whom is more usualy discussed with the person conducting the service and you can make it as inclusive as you want.

Tiddlywinks

xxdeebeexx wrote: »

I think that's what I'm worried about.

By Mums reckoning it will last about 4.5 minutes

The service should be what YOU would like as well - he was your dad and you deserve the chance to say your goodbyes in your own way - what would you like to do?

I'm not saying you should fall out over things but your mum might just be too upset to really get into planning anything and may welcome doing more if someone else sorted it for her.

Spottedleopard

My grandmother died two weeks ago- and she made it clear before she died she didn't want a proper funeral.

We planned a home party and luckily it was GLORIOUS weather (it was on Thursday) so we had a BBQ, drinks and generally just had a good time!

Hopefully we did her proud- it was a chance for the family to get together but it wasn't miserable!

No thunderbolts have struck any of us down yet, so she must be happy

Im sorry for your loss.

duchy

whitewing wrote: »

come to write it down.

If you do do memories, I would ask each person to write a short piece, and maybe no more than 10 mins altogether which is about two sides of typed A4 paper at the most (bit less if more than one person). Or different people could submit the memories but one person - even funeral director - read them.

Funeral directors don't usually take such an active part in a service-surely this would be the person conducting the service not the funeral director ?

mpet

Funerals will need some kind of planned order to them however brief you want it to be. First you will be restricted by time. When I have attended cremations, there has usually been back to back services, so as one funeral party leave another enter. So if, for example you had a lot of friends and relatives who wanted to spontaneously get up and say something, you may run out of time.

I have attended a humanist funeral and really it didn't differ too mauch from a religous ceremony except for the prayers. If I remember rightly, we entered the crematorium chapel and music (chosen by the deceaseds wife) was playing. The humanist 'priest' (not sure what they are called) spent about 10 minutes speaking about the deceaseds life - what he was like, telling some amusing tales etc. There was then another song played, a few minuted of quiet when we could think about the deceased. A relative got up and spoke about him and I think there was a few more words from the 'priest' and another song as we left.

This pretty much took up about 30mins which is the usual length of this type of service. I must say when we had a religious service for my MIL it was pretty much the same. There was no hyms and the vicar only said one prayer - my SIL got up and spoke and 2 of her granddaughters got up and read a poem.

I'm sorry for your loss and your Mum is obviously grieving - but do get her to think what she really wants as she may regret her choices after, which would be sad.

dontone

My condolences to you and your family on your loss.

When my Uncle died, my Auntie and cousins also requested no black clothing (although some of them changed their mind and turned up in black)
My uncle wasn't a religious person, in fact he hated religion. So at the crematorium, the funeral director got up and explained that it was a non-religious service, and my oldest cousin stood up and told us about his, and his siblings fondest memories about their father.
My Uncle also had a few favourite songs that he loved to sing, so, one was played going into the room, one in the middle of the service, and one when the curtains closed.
It was rather lovely, tasteful and quite emotional.
The wake was held in the local pub, and my other cousin raised a glass as a toast and told everybody that it was a celebration of my uncle's life and they wanted everybody to enjoy themselves in his honour.

While everybody does things differently, what my cousins and Auntie did was exactly what they thought he would have liked, and it came together beautifully. The funeral director was a great help to them in organising everything, so please ask yours for help. They deal with things like this all the time, so will be able to give you the help and support your family need.

londonsurrey

I went with the Coop for my husband's funeral. I wanted no priest, no songs, nothing religious.

They found it perfectly normal, and even had a chap who specialised in non-religious services.

puppypants

jackieb wrote: »

I'm so sorry about your Dad, deebee. xx

I really like this poem. It was read at my cousin's partner's funeral. She picked it herself (obviously it was changed to she )

He is Gone
You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived,
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind be empty and turn your
back,
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes,
love and go on.

This was read at my Mum's funeral in March and is beautiful.