More wedding stuff!

Noozan

Ok, so I spent last night reading through the "wedding tips starts here thread" and have picked up some good ideas and forgotten lots already, lol.

OH and I got engaged on Boxing Day last year - I was still in bed and he told me to look out of bedroom window. Our house looks out onto a big open grassy area; and in big black letters (sticks he found in my greenhouse ) he had written "Marry Me".

We have had a chat about what we'd like in in the way of a wedding and are stuck now...... He's been married once before and this my first time. Neither of us are remotely religious, so church is definitely out which suits me fine. I fancied the idea of a castle, which he actually suggested so I was really pleased. There's a nice one near us - small, but lovingly restored and lots of original bits and would be very atmospheric. Went to look at it yesterday but was shocked that it's over £900 just for a room! Is that normal? That's before any catering, fees, etc.

Anyway, the price has definitely put me off. We're not exactly desperate for cash but we don't have unlimited funds either. We have no budget set or agreed as he wants me to be happy and will pretty much go with anything that makes me happy.

I originally thought we should just go away, get married and then come back to announce it to our families but he has a 13 year old daughter and I think she would be hurt if she wasn't involved, so i don't want to suggest we do that. This would the most appealing to me as it would be fairly hassle free, no worries about people enjoying themselves etc Then, I thought I'd like my youngest brother to be there as I'm very close to him but if he was there and my mum wasn't, she would be hurt. She mentioned a little while ago that she had better get herself a wedding outfit and I jokingly said "But we haven't invited you yet" to gauge her reaction and she went very quiet. Now, if I invite my parents, we would have to invite OH's parents so they don't feel left out. If I invite my parents, my mum would automatically assume my eldest brother is invited as a) he still lives with them b) he's their first born son c) she thinks the sun shines out his bum. Now if has to come, I can't not invite my second brother and his wife and two kids.......So, then the party gets bigger and bigger as my OH has a sister, BIL and two kids. Now can you see why the "just going away" idea appeals to me?

To make it more confusing, I am chinese and would have liked the whole chinese wedding banquet thing, but that wouldn't be feasible unless you had at least 80+ guests (at approx £40 - £50 a head) which I definitely don't want. I accept that I'm not going to get the banquet. OH is Scottish but will eat anything so the food thing isn't an issue for him.

I don't like wedding cake - sponge/fruit or otherwise so don't want one just because other people may expect it. Would rather have a big raspberry pavlova. Yum.

I've seen wedding dresses that I like (but not the prices, lol) but I also like the chinese wedding dresses too. I want a dress to keep, not hire, but find it hard to justify in my head spending alot of money on something I'll only get one chance to wear. I don't want to get an "evening" type dress just so I can wear it again and besides, we don't go anywhere that really requires dressing up in that sense.

I'm not bothered about fancy cars, unless it's low, fast, roofless and I get to drive it.

I just don't know what to do or which way to go. I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure. Help! Please throw some ideas and suggestions my way.

margaretclare

Hi

There must be other wedding venues that you would like that are cheaper than the castle!!

You don't have to have a wedding cake of any kind. You don't have to have wedding cars. In fact, there are an awful lot of things you don't 'have to have'.

If you like a Chinese wedding-dress then have one.

Just one point to bear in mind. Weddings have become part of a huge industry and people will tell you you 'have to have' this, that or t'other. A big party isn't essential, a honeymoon in exotic locations isn't essential, and maybe I'm prejudiced, but I still think that the most important thing about any wedding is the actual ceremony. Believe it or not, this simple idea can get totally forgotten in among dresses, flowers, wedding favours, seating plans, you name it.

You want a civil ceremony - fine. There are any number of beautiful locations you can choose. Not all will charge an arm, leg and several pints of blood. Within the ceremony you can include readings, music, extra words added on to the statutory vows, anything at all so long as it's not religious. Even if you think of 'Ave Maria' as something they play on Classic FM, because it's basically a prayer you couldn't include it.

One of my daughters got married without telling us. Her Dad cried, and I've never seen anyone, man or woman, cry like that - we were told the following day. So when our other daughter got married she had something fairly traditional, but with their own ideas as well - reception held on a preserved steam train, and the bridesmaids dressed in 1900s style as per the Railway Children. It was lovely. But sadly, her Dad missed that too - he died the year before her wedding.

Sit down with your Mum and have a good talk. Explain who you want to invite, who you don't, and exactly why.

My second wedding (at an advanced age!!!) is still fresh enough in my memory. It was simple and it was lovely. The people who came enjoyed it. We didn't invite anyone who was likely to make trouble - his brother, for instance, who disapproved because it WAS in church!

Best wishes

Aunty Margaret

Jay-Jay_4

You sound SOOOOO much like me!!!!

I'm getting married in August and would've been really happy to just go and do it (second time around for me:o ) but OH wants his family there so I've had to invite mine too.

We've chosen a castle as we're not religious but the price was extortionate so we asked for use of just one room instead of the whole castle and booked it for a Tuesday afternoon instead of a weekend....we HALVED the cost. Even the registrar is cheaper during the week.

We're having our parents, siblings, grandparents and my best friend along with all the children so our wedding party is only for 19 people including us. The hire of the castle with 3 course meal, wine and accomodation for everybody is £1500 which is still a lot of money but I'd rather give the important people a lovely time than give 100 people a soggy buffet and a huge bar bill.

I bought my dress last week from Debenhams for £80 and it's perfect. I probably wont wear it again but for £80 I don't mind so much. I bought my daughters dresses from BHS for £24 & £26 so that's us all kitted out for £130.

I'm going to buy an M&S iced sponge cake for around £10 so that we can give everyone a piece to take home, for some reason I'm a sucker for cake

We're not having a car as we're marrying at the Castle and then having our meal and drinks there too. The accomodation is also within the castle so no taxis for anyone either.

We're paying for the wedding ourselves and have asked for our guests presence rather than their presents. It's costing us more than a normal small wedding but we're looking at it as a very luxurious dinner party for us and our guests rather than the usual 'machine' that the wedding industry pushes onto us.

I'm actually beginning to look forward to it now, even though some of my family are moaning that it's along way away and even that they will be missing 2 days of work as it's midweek :rolleyes: If I was offered a night in a castle, free drinks and a 3 course meal for me and my family... would I moan? :rolleyes: There's no pleasing everyone!

macchicken

Hey there
You havn't mentioned where you want to get married, historic scotland own most of the public castles in scotland (edinburgh, dune, brodie, urquhart etc..)
and i think the national trust own a lot of the rest, try their websites i got brouchers from both for my wedding. (sorry cant remember prices)
Alot of hotels are hotels now and try can do the whole lot for you, so no need for cars!!
Im getting married in a Macdonald hotel (they have 100's up and down the country) it is an old victorian mansion! Just a nice as a castle! They are really resonalble priced!

Go to a bridal shop try on as many dresses as you like, make up an excuse like you need to come back with your friend/mother to help decide and lok for the same dresses on the internet. Alot of people have reccommened https://www.houseofbrides.com . May be you could have something made, this can often work out cheaper! And it is just what you want.
But dont feel bad about the cost of your dress, my attitude is, im only doing this once (although its second time for mr macchicken to be)


As for who to invite and who not to invite ITS YOUR WEDDING!!
Have who you want! Mr MacChicken to be isnt inviting one of his brothers and one of his sisters or her kids because they are trouble makers and he doesnt want them there stiring up trouble!

Many people say women turn into bridezilla, but it is because you need to be, everyone and their wife thinks they have a say in your wedding make it clear that they dont!
And if you think that someone is going to react badly then tell them in a public place, they are much less likely to cause a scene!

I know i sound really harsh but sometimes you need to put your foot down!

Good luck

Savvy_Sue

Marrying across culture gives you one big advantage: you can do things YOUR way and anyone who doesn't like it can think "Oh well it's because s/he's xxx s/he doesn't know how we do these things". So even if what you choose to do is not in line with either culture, you can just do it.

We married an awful long time ago without bridesmaids or best man so saved ourselves lots on posh frocks. My mum thought one sis would be upset not to be asked to be a bridesmaid because she'd never been one, but that was tough, neither had I, and I was certainly NOT about to have a bridesmaid just so she could strut round in a daft dress! Lots of guests to the wedding and buffet afterwards. But it was self-catering: all local guests brought something!

Hope you sort yourselves out soon. Sometimes ANY decision will be wrong, but better than no decision at all!

td

A few things maybe worth considering -

are there any nice school buildings nearby - a friend of mine got married in her local school and they decorated the hall with chiffon and had local students serving the meal, they provided the wine and champagne themselves thanks to a trip to France and the photos on the school lawn were lovely. Obviously it would have to be a nice school!

Church halls - some of them are lovely. Our local Sally Army building is lovely.

Local takeaways may cater for you - if I got married again I would consider asking my cantonese takeaway to cater for it.

Don't get caught up in how it should be done - if I did it again I definitely would not do it in a big fancy hotel where you have little control I would arrange all the individual bits myself.

Haven't tried this - got a local jag dealer or posh car alternative - might be a good advertisement for them to drive you (or test drive it for a day!!!)

HTH

td

Juicy_Tube

Jay-Jay wrote:

You sound SOOOOO much like me!!!!

I'm getting married in August and would've been really happy to just go and do it (second time around for me:o ) but OH wants his family there so I've had to invite mine too.

We've chosen a castle as we're not religious but the price was extortionate so we asked for use of just one room instead of the whole castle and booked it for a Tuesday afternoon instead of a weekend....we HALVED the cost. Even the registrar is cheaper during the week.

We're having our parents, siblings, grandparents and my best friend along with all the children so our wedding party is only for 19 people including us. The hire of the castle with 3 course meal, wine and accomodation for everybody is £1500 which is still a lot of money but I'd rather give the important people a lovely time than give 100 people a soggy buffet and a huge bar bill.

I bought my dress last week from Debenhams for £80 and it's perfect. I probably wont wear it again but for £80 I don't mind so much. I bought my daughters dresses from BHS for £24 & £26 so that's us all kitted out for £130.

I'm going to buy an M&S iced sponge cake for around £10 so that we can give everyone a piece to take home, for some reason I'm a sucker for cake

We're not having a car as we're marrying at the Castle and then having our meal and drinks there too. The accomodation is also within the castle so no taxis for anyone either.

We're paying for the wedding ourselves and have asked for our guests presence rather than their presents. It's costing us more than a normal small wedding but we're looking at it as a very luxurious dinner party for us and our guests rather than the usual 'machine' that the wedding industry pushes onto us.

I'm actually beginning to look forward to it now, even though some of my family are moaning that it's along way away and even that they will be missing 2 days of work as it's midweek :rolleyes: If I was offered a night in a castle, free drinks and a 3 course meal for me and my family... would I moan? :rolleyes: There's no pleasing everyone!

This sounds absolutley fab Jay-Jay and something I would think about doing..Could you give me a few more details about where you are getting married etc. if you don't mind?

Please PM when you get a chance.;)

Thank you in advance,

JT x

Noozan

Thank you for all your replies

td - The local takeaways don't really cater the sort of food I would have liked. Alot of my family have takeaway/restaurant businesses and the food we sell is not really "chinese" food; it's evolved over the years to suit western palates. Other than sweet and sour, you wouldn't really find any of the food served in takeaways in a chinese household. Of few restaurants that do cater for chinese people, none will cater for a wedding party under 80. At a minimum of £40 a head, this is too much for us. This is in no way meant to sound greedy or anything, but if I was marrying a chinese man and thus majority of close guests would be chinese, they would know it's general etiquette to give a laisee (red packet) containing approximatley £50 per head for each person attending the reception and this covers the costs of the meal. There is no way I would even consider asking guests outright to do this if it is not what they are accustomed to. It's also not economically viable for restaurants to cater for any less than 80 as they would have to source thing such as oysters, dried scallops, sea moss, abalone, lobsters, suckling pigs and all manner of other mouthwatering delights and also close the restaurant to the public on the given day! It's usually an 8 course meal (8 is a lucky number) and each dish is symbolic of something i.e wealth, health, happiness etc. So, this type of meal is definitley out

I thought about asking the TVR garage if they'd be sooooo kind as to help me out so will let you know how that goes.....


Savvy - I've already decided not to have any bridesmaids. I really don't see the point in having them I guess that also means I won't have to pay for any fancy dresses for someone that serves no purpose, lol.


Macchicken - We looked at Balgonie Castle, which was extortionately priced. I also had a look at Fernie Castle but it seems that the going rate is also in the 1k mark. Fernie castle has a "treehouse suite" which I'd love to stay in but it's very expensive.

Are you in Scotland? Do you know of any bridal fairs coming up soon? Finding a dress is going to be a nightmare; I wish my fairy godmother would wave her magic wand and bring one to me that I love and fits. I hate clothes shopping and only go when my clothes are falling apart at the seams. I hate standing around in shops, I hate hoards of people, I hate unhepful sales assistants, i hate queues, I hate changing rooms and never try anything on. Gosh, I'm a seething cauldron of hatred. :rolleyes: I usually buy it, bring it home, forget about it for a few days, try it on and if it doesn't fit - either take it back or give it to charity shop.


Jay- Jay - I was planning on having it on a weekday anyway, if I have it at the weekend, my parents would begrudge closing the business to come as it would mean a drop in takings. When my brother got married on a Saturday, my parents didn't go to the reception because they wouldn't close the business for one night. Do you mind me asking which castle you've booked? 1500 is pretty good if it includes accommodation for everyone too. Actually, I really like the sound of what you have arranged. Would you like a job as my wedding planner? I din't think to look in Debenhams for dresses, will have to do that sometime.

Margaret - Having read your post and after much thought, I've decided not to just do it without at least my immediate family. I have 3 brothers, 1 is married, 2 still single but I'm the only daughter and I can't break their hearts, even though it's MY day. Thank you for sharing that.

I feel much better having read everyone's advice and will have to have another chat with OH. Will let you know which route we go down.

Hm, wonder if you can get married at the Botanical Gardens? That would be lovely, still doesn't solve the food dilemma though. Will have to see...

Jay-Jay_4

I've PMd you Noozan

I found our venue here, click on a region first and it will bring up lots of places to choose from. I picked one that looked really nice and we visited it for a day out, then decided that we would really love to get married there.

margaretclare

Hi Noozan

I didn't say do it without your immediate family. The little anecdotes I related do - I hope - illustrate how hurtful it can be to be excluded, as we were from elder daughter's runaway wedding.

Oddly enough, she herself - I think - felt she'd missed out somehow, because for their 20th anniversary she had quite a big do, a proper church renewal of vows, a lovely dress in cream/buttercup-yellow, and we (me and my second husband) were invited.

We didn't invite husband's bro to our wedding in 2002. We didn't actually 'invite' anyone - just told people, and if they expressed an interest in coming, we said 'fine, lovely, look forward to seeing you'. Some couldn't come because it was on a Monday morning. It was in our local church, we knew bro would be sniffy abut it (different religion, you see) although his cousin was happy to come and to be his best man.

I had difficulty because there's very little advice about what to wear if you're an older bride. 'A little suit, or anything will do, it doesn't matter' was the kind of thing I was told. So I designed my own. Because January, it was a long-sleeved, long dress in moss-green velvet with an over-tunic and little veil in gold lace.

Mostly the people who sat down to lunch with us (18 of us in a local pub/restaurant) were the people from church who'd helped us, played the music, did the flowers, took photos, our minister, and just a few friends and relatives. Because neither of us had ever had a honeymoon before with 3 previous marriages between us, we went for 3 days in an old pub in the Cotswolds.

Best wishes

Aunty Margaret

Noozan

margaretclare wrote:

I didn't say do it without your immediate family. The little anecdotes I related do - I hope - illustrate how hurtful it can be to be excluded, as we were from elder daughter's runaway wedding.

Hi there

Sorry if I wasn't very clear, I wasn't saying that you had said to do it without my immediate family! I just wanted to thank you for your post - I had wanted to do the runaway thing but I can see it would hurt my parents if I did so and it was helpful to have your perspective on it.