Bladder/Bowel Cancer

budget_babe

Hi I am wondering if anyone could give me some advice please as I am currently driving myself mad.

My Father will be 77 in July, 5 years ago he had bowel cancer and luckily after his operation he did not need any chemotherapy etc. He has now got bladder cancer and had his operation last Friday.

He is now back at home waiting for a letter from the hospital which they said would take between 7-10 days.

I am extremely concerned as he told my mother and I that they would not know if it is cancer until after the operation which turns out to be untrue as he already knew that he has bladder cancer. This leads me to think that he is keeping other things from us as to the severity of what his consultant said?

However because he has just had his operation I am not able to press him on the issue. He has lost a stone and a half and looks really poorly.

I am an only child so this in its self is difficult and my mother is almost 70 and has her own health issues.

I have been looking on the internet but to be honest I have just upset myself.

But with him already having bowel cancer and now its in his bladder this really does not seem good to me.

He can be difficult at the best of times, so it is hard to confront the issue.

I suffer with high blood pressure and was ill back in February so this is why I am thinking he did not tell me?

I am married so have my husband for support as we have been together 31 years, I also have my Ds but he lives 200 miles away so although I can speak to him on the phone its not the same as a hug.

If anyone has experienced anything similar I would be grateful for any advice.

Sorry for the epic post.

Budgie x

Molly41

The two cancers might be totally unrelated - just coincidental and very bad luck. I am in a similar position as 5 years ago my father had radical surgery on his bladder related to cancer. I am also an only child with a mother with health issues and a father who sticks his head in the sand. As difficult as this is you have to respect his way of coping and take each day at a time. I have leant that the hard way and know it is not as easy as it might sound

floss2

I think your father is of the "don't discuss" generation. I would respect his privacy - it may be one of the few things he has control over right now.

BTW, I have a close friend who was diagnosed with bowel & bladder cancer over 9 years ago - he did have 2 "bags" but now only has 1 after a repair, and is the only fundraiser survivor of his cancers for Christies in Manchester. He's now in his late 50's, and has seen some dark times, but he is still very much alive & kicking

pink68

It maybe that when your dad has said they wont know he may mean he knows he has a tumour but until they biopsy it they wont know if it is malignant or not?

My uncle has just had a lump removed from inside his bladder and they feared the worst but once the biopsy came back it turned out to be benign.

Sounds like your dad just wants to not think about it until he has all the facts. If you need support I'd recommend asking the hospital for an early referral to the macmillan nursing team , or i think you can phone them direct.

Their website is great too http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Home.aspx

I've found our local team a great support with family issues.

Dunroamin

When I had cancer, I didn't tell my elderly parents, both because I didn't want to worry them but also because I didn't want to have to deal with their worries about me.

You should respect your father's way of dealing with his illness, not press him to open up and remember that his needs come first.

ab.da54

It is not easy opening up to loved ones about cancer and, perhaps in a selfish way, it is difficult enough to come to terms with yourself, that you have this illness, let alone having to cope with the upset and turmoil your family go through, knowing you are ill.

Personally, I think you should respect your father's wishes. Let him discuss it with you in his own time. As upsetting as this may be for you, for your father it may just be a lot worse and it's easier for him not to be so open at this point.

budget_babe

ab.da54 wrote: »

It is not easy opening up to loved ones about cancer and, perhaps in a selfish way, it is difficult enough to come to terms with yourself, that you have this illness, let alone having to cope with the upset and turmoil your family go through, knowing you are ill.

Personally, I think you should respect your father's wishes. Let him discuss it with you in his own time. As upsetting as this may be for you, for your father it may just be a lot worse and it's easier for him not to be so open at this point.

Thank you and to everyone else that has replied, its just that I am so confused over it all, it was only because he was waiting hours to go to theatre that he let it out that it was cancer.

He has always played the tough guy, I am just so upset as he has always been so strong and now he's looking frail and vulnerable.

I am just fearing the worst as he has previously had cancer and now he has it again, to me this is not good?

But I will wait and see what happens when he hears off the consultant?

Thank you again for taking the time to post, it is appreciated. :A

Budgie xxx

ab.da54

It is natural for you to be worried about your father. The man you have always looked up to now appearing to be frail and weak. It is not easy. Cancer can be an evil attacker. Doing it's worse before you even know it is there, so it appears to always have the upper hand.

I am glad that you will wait until the visit with the oncologist. It will give your father time to come to terms with anything - if indeed, there is a need to come to terms.

I do not know if you are a religious person, but you have been in my thoughts and I pray that the outcome will be a happy one for your family. [I hope I have not spoken out of turn there.]

jackieb

I agree with the others who have said that however your Dad chooses to cope with this, then let him do what he wants. After all, this may be the only thing he feels he has any control over.

My Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer just before Christmas - he died last month. I went in with him to every appointment and just tried to remain as positive as I could. You'll find the strength from somewhere because it's your Dad - you'll do it for him. My Dad didn't really want to know anything though. He never spoke about being scared - it was just his way of coping. It's early days with all of you yet. It's not easy but you will cope.

I hope everything turns out okay with your Dad. xx

no-oneknowsme

No real advice for you OP but I just wanted to say that I know how you feel.

Watching your Parent go through cancer (or any other serious illness) is awful . You almost think that your Parents will always be around , so its hard when they are ill.

I know all too well how you are feeling right now.

My Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2008 , aged just 57 . She had surgery followed by chemo and radiotherapy and after a year or so she had a mammogram which showed the cancer had gone. I let out a massive sigh of relief !

Then , in October 2011 she was admitted to hospital for a completely different (minor) illness and it was whilst she was in hospital that it was discovered that the cancer had returned , this time in her bones of her spine and shoulders.

This came as a massive shock to the family and to be honest I fell apart . Knowing that she had cancer again hit me hard as I adore my Mum and felt that she didnt deserve to be going through such pain.

In January of this year we got further bad news when we found out that the cancer had spread again to her liver....

So at the minute she is receiving chemotherapy and is having a very difficult time.

She , like your Father plays things down as I know that she doesntwant to upset me. She doesnt want to talk about the illness and just fights on every day.

Maybe this is what your Dad is doing too?

Stay strong and take each day as it comes.

silvercar

I am extremely concerned as he told my mother and I that they would not know if it is cancer until after the operation which turns out to be untrue as he already knew that he has bladder cancer. This leads me to think that he is keeping other things from us as to the severity of what his consultant said?

It could be that his consultant has warned him what it might be and he is thinking the worst.

Going through similar with my dad at the moment. After every visit to the consultant I get his view of what the doctor said and my mum's view of what the doctor said. You would think they were describing two different patients!