First date in forever - help!

snowleopard61

I’m 50, female; was married for 16 years and have been on my own for 12. My children are now pretty independent young adults.

I’ve just been asked out on a date for dinner at the weekend and accepted, and I’m terrified. Although I’ve been asked out a couple of times in recent years, this is the first time I’ve had any inclination to accept. He’s also divorced and seems nice, genuine and quite attractive (in a quietish, shy sort of way which appeals to me). He’s someone I met by chance in real life (i.e. not a blind date/lonely heart).

The problem is that I’m about the most solitary person I know: completely content with my own company, I would probably genuinely be happy on a desert island as long as I had regular reassurance that the people I cared about were safe and well. I want to be nice to this chap and make it a pleasant experience but I’m scared of encouraging him too much as I’m not at all sure I want a relationship with anyone. I’m actually more scared of hurting someone else’s feelings than being hurt myself. In addition, (getting a bit ahead of myself here) I’ve never slept with anyone at all except my ex-husband and even the thought of kissing is quite scary after all these years.

You might well ask why I did accept - partly because I thought it was mean to refuse, partly because I do think he's rather nice and partly because something in me wonders whether it's really wise to put 'all that' behind me while I'm still relatively young.

I’m not going to back out of the date – but just wondered if anyone had anything reassuring to offer …:o

Lovelyjoolz

I completely understand why you are getting worked up, but think that you should try and relax and stop thinking of this as a date. Repeat after me: "It's just dinner...it's just dinner...it's just dinner" until it stops being so scary

Really, if he's the nice guy you describe, then I don't think that he will expect anything of you other than nice company over a nice meal. Who say's there's going to be kissing? And really? You're thinking about sex before your first date? Boy you're forward!

Joking aside, no one is putting pressure on you other than yourself. Take a step back, breathe, relax. Go for dinner, talk, learn something about each other, have a wonderful evening and then at the end of it, decide if you'd like to do it again next week. Maybe. Or the week after.

At some point you'll decide either a) that you don't like him and stop agreeing to dinner, or b) you really like him and the kissing subject becomes more of an issue. At that point the old hormones will take over and you'll find yourself doing what comes naturally.

Trust me, it's like riding a bike... :rotfl:

tea_lover

snowleopard61 wrote: »

but just wondered if anyone had anything reassuring to offer …:o

... at the risk of sounding patronising (not my intention!) enjoy yourself

It sounds like you're going into this with a great attitude - you know you don't 'need' anyone else, but why rule anything out. I think that's a really healthy, rounded view of things.

If the idea of a date is quite scary (and I can see why it would be) maybe just tell yourself it's dinner with a friend.

As for the physical side of things, FWIW I'd say don't worry about it until you need to. No point stressing about it and then finding out over dinner that you don't particularly get on anyway.

Hope it goes well and you both have a great time.

Caroline_a

Just go out and enjoy yourself!! I have made a conscious choice to stay on my own now, and I'm pretty happy with my own company, however I do have several male friends that I go out to dinner with... and they are only friends too! (no benefits :rotfl:)

Apart from the conversation topics, which tend to stay away from hair, makeup and clothes, it's exactly the same as going out with one of my female friends!

Jo84_2

Just be yourself!!

You sound just like my mum, she is also a very shy quiet person and is happiest in her own company. She was widowed for a few years and swore sh would never date again!

Well, fast forward a few years, she met (my now step dad) online and was so scared and wasn't even sure she wanted a relationship, she just wanted a companion. They met for their first date and were friends for a while before they agreed they wanted more. But they have now just had their 2nd anniversary at the age of 53!!

It's a big step to take, and as long as you're honest to this chap (he may feel exactly the same!) about not rush into anything, you'll be fine!

Just go into it like your having a catch up with an old friend, take it step by step and just see where it leads to!

Life is for living and you have many years left, so enjoy them!

JoJo

go_cat

See it as a friendship first then if things develop then let them if they don't you have a friend

SailorSam

Have a good time, peck on the cheek at the end of the night and decide if there's to be a second date.

marisco_2

I can relate to how you are feeling. When you have been by yourself for a while the thought of dating can seem quite daunting.

You sound like a lovely, grounded and sensible person. All I can suggest is dont get to far ahead of yourself at this stage. This is just a dinner date. Dont worry about whether you are compatible, if one or other of you may get hurt or on how to manage your feelings about kissing etc.

Go along and just be completely yourself. Dress in something you feel completely at ease in. If he is as nice as you seem to feel he is, then hopefully conversation will flow and you can get to know each other. He may be feeling exactly the same as you. You can subtly set the boundaries of any relationship if you want things to progress and do things at your pace.

If this guy is meant to be part of your future then everything will feel natural and easy. Just go with it and see how you feel. Look forward to it and I hope you have a lovely time OP.

SailorSam

One small point and it's probably to late now anyway, i'm not sure if a dinner date is a good first date. If you're trying to talk and eat in front of a stranger at the same time.
Maybe that's just me having to wear a bib or make a mess.

londonsurrey

I'm 41, widowed, married for a similar amount of time.
Be yourself, and just enjoy the company!

And even if it doesn't go so well, I've found that what seem like disasters at the time turn out to be excellent fodder for future dinner time conversations.

gibson123

Oh my goodness in dating circles you are pure gold! Not needy, financially ok, not needing entertained and selflessly putting others before yourself.

You have absolutely nothing to worry about, just take it very easy and remember those "nerves" could actually be "butterflys"... remember them? Agree with others go into it as a friendship and see what develops. Good luck and do come back and let us know.